I am addicted to coffee cups and college ruled notebooks and eyes so blue that they turn grey. My veins crave wool sweaters and red cheeks and freckles and overcast skies. I wish on stars for snow and fog and thunderstorms with no lightning. I long for jeans with ripped knees and scarves and long walks in very cold weather with someone very warm. Sometimes I want you so much that I don't want anything else at all.

I never thought I would fall in love with you
You are the unobtainable, best friend
You are captain friend zone (or you were)
You are sweet candy that will rot my teeth
You are sneaking out my window at night with the understanding that I've already been caught
You are risking it anyways
I never thought I would fall in love with you
Because you are so annoying
But oddly enough, I crave you
I crave you in the mornings when I wake up to a cold room
I crave you at night when my mind refuses to sleep because thoughts of you are like caffeine
You have the audacity to be beautiful even when everything around you is not
I never thought I would fall in love with you
But I think I did anyways

If you would have asked me what I though love was a year ago
I would have responded with one word
"Pain"
Love is late nights and damp pillows
Something that you find in the romance of hazy coffee houses and broken cigarettes.
Something that you get burned up in
Something so unobtainable people crafted a word for it
Unrequited
Love is cavities, love is hurt
But then I came across a boy
Who is now starting to change my mind
He shows me that love is acceptance
Love is joy
Love is waiting by the phone, love is finally calling and hoping that they answer
Love is a shared song that you can both cry to
Love is comfortable silence
And now, as I think about it more
Love is beginning to look
Love is beginning to look a lot like him

I look forward to cigarettes
Habits walking back into my life
Those I spent everything on
Just trying to push away for good
All of my endeavors failed
But they calm me down
Carrying stress away like a helicopter carrying someone too injured to wait longer for any other form of transportation
Carrying me like a mother holds her first newborn child, being especially careful, don't drop it
The spark of a lighter like a firework
A sweet flame, always comforting,
whispers,
"you couldn't change
even if you wanted to"
And I sit here
And in one hand, holds an escape to my pain
And in the other
My own throat

Time is a delicate advocate for pain
We say that it heals all wounds
We say that it opens doors
And we say that it closes them
Time is my only medicine
for a disease like this
I am cutting you off
Like scissors cute paper in
the old childhood game
I am leaving you here
before this burden gets too heavy
Already I find myself stopping
because of the overwhelming weight
My shoulders are abandoning their supporting bones
The blood is draining from my face
I find I do not blush in the name of you
as much as I used to
Time may bring these habits home again
but as of right now
time has delivered nothing
But time
is all I have

Our love is
so sweet and secret
Kept locked up behind bedroom doors
and the doors of your beat up truck
Our love is
clever woven words
trying to out-do each other
Our love is
our faces getting too close,
eye contact that last too long
Silly things that didn't exist before we created them
Our love is
the moment between breaths
the spark of a lighter
the hidden smiles
the looking
the looking away
Our love is
borderline insanity
Our love is
like nothing other
because this love
is titled

"Just Friends"

I see you look at her
and it is not hard to tell
just by the expression on your face
that you still love her
I recognize this look
because it is how
I look at you