I never knew if you were so in love with me it hurt or if you never loved me at all

Today I thought about you
As I did yesterday and the day before that
How your skin is like velvet
Hair like burnt caramel
Boy with a kiss like a hand grenade
Boy with a touch like a paper cut
Boy with a voice like a church choir
Boy I fell in love with in 2 weeks
At the age of 14 it was easy to love you
I loved every piece of you
Treated you as if you were the last molecule of oxygen inside of a gas chamber
My love for you was so sweet some would call it cliche
Cupid didn't have an arrow large enough to fit this love
You were the first boy to make my palms wet just by walking into the room
Until I took it too far
Finding myself on a bedroom floor
He loves me... He loves me not
I let you have the remote control to my smile
I realized I was never letting myself cry as much as I needed to
You were the boy who I would spend all day getting ready for
Loving you was the last thing I thought I was good at
Until I started replaying these memories like scatched up DVDs
Broken, glitching flashbacks
Your name engraved in my heart and mind
Your voice being the anthem of my soul
Your smile being my favorite picture
You being my favorite tragedy
Today I thought of you
As I will tomorrow and the day after that

I never imagined that I would still be in so deep
That the sound of your voice would still be playing in my head at night like a record
That I would still drown in your eyes every time I looked into them
That your smile would melt my insides
Talking to you was like walking on tight rope
One wrong move and I'd fall
Maybe even further than I'd ever fallen before
Praying that hitting bottom would hurt a little less than the last time
I will never forget each of our memories
The way you were so desperate to know what was going on inside of my head
The way I was so desperate for you to stop asking
How I wanted to kiss you but on the other hand I wanted you to kiss me
I still dream about the taste of your lips
And the silk on your hands
How each breath you breathed out was the same one I breathed in
I still have not forgotten your scars
The way you tried and I pushed you away
I pushed you away like a glass door that had the PULL sticker on it
I didn't know what I was doing
I forgot to read the message that was sitting in my phone that I had forgotten was there
But now the tables have turned
And I am the one that is waiting for you to answer my call
For you to take my hand and save me from this saltwater
Please don't let me drown
**Please don't let me drown

If I were to write you a letter
the first thing I would do is let you know of all of your flaws
Every single one
Next I would tell you how much I loved them
If I were to write you a letter
I would retell the stories you once told me and
recall each moment where I thought I'd loved you
If I were to write you letter
I would write in pen so that nothing could be erased
each mistake was left alone, as it was, kind of like me
Throwing around 26 letters in certain ways to express my perception
How on our first date, I wish I'd held your hand
How we never bluntly explained our feeling, somehow we just knew
How every time I saw you, I could easily, without second thought
just run up to you, interlock our bodies together for a few seconds
and ask how you were, or how your day was
Now I can't anymore...
The fact that I can't even speak to you anymore,
that's what kills me the most

you're right there
right in front of me
not even 3 feet away
although you and I are
miles and miles apart
my heart is on my sleeve
& yours is tucked away
in your blue jeans
each second crawled by
still I lost count
I tried to listen to your words
but all I could hear was myself
getting choked up
trying not to stare at you
was like trying to avoid
a flaming sunset on one of the
last days of your life
trying to forget you was like
trying to forget my own name
it's engraved into my mind
it's glued to the walls of my heart
my arms constantly crave to in yours
how can I avoid your smile
when it's the only thing I love
in the **world

You are as beautiful as
flowers in the rain,
a sunset setting fire to the sky,
fall leaves,
snow on trees,
You are so beautiful and you don't even know it

Do not tell me to calm down
When you do not know
Of the demons inside of my head