No one has ever fought for me.
That wound is so deep
it scares me.
Maybe that’s why I push people away.
To find out who will come back.

My love is deep.
I’ve never found anyone who could match it.
How much would I put up with just to be held when I’m hurting?
So much.
More than you would believe.
There’s a hole in my heart that nothing can fill.
I want to be held by someone who won’t let go.
I want to be loved by someone who won’t give up.
I want someone who would fight for me like I would fight for them.  
Will I always feel this empty?
Will I always feel this broken?
Will I always want to die?

I spent the last seven years
trying to tame both our demons.
Each one of mine I chained
was a vital part of me.
The iron on their wrists
burns me.
The weights on their ankles
tether me.
You gave me a mask to match yours
and tied it on for me
so gently.

When I look at the stars,
I feel the same,
I still think the same thoughts I did
at 16,
and 21,
and 25.
That’s how I know I was never lost.
Just hiding.
I haven’t changed.
I’ve only learned how to perform better,
to perform different roles;
lover, friend, employee.
I abandoned myself for awhile,
but I’m still here.
I was always here,
behind the mask.
It’s coming off now
and the chains are falling away
now that you’re gone.

Get you a man
who wants to fall asleep next to you,
wake up with you,
workout with you,
cook and eat healthy with you.
A man who will
look into your eyes
and tell you he loves you,
who can read your face like a map,
who notices when something is wrong
just from the shadow crossing your face,
who likes your cooking,
and shows you he loves you
with the way he touches you,
and the way he looks at you.
Get you a man like mine.

We said I love you so much,
it stopped meaning anything.

I’m sorry.
Please don’t leave me.
Don’t be mad.
Goodbye.
Goodnight.
Good morning.
Leave me alone.
Let’s not fight.
I miss you.
Do you still love me?

I’m not going to do that this time.

D!rty spoons in the drawer,
Smelly socks on the floor.
Loud noises when I sleep,
Angry looks when I speak.
Quiet house when he goes out,
No response when I shout.
Where he goes he leaves a mess,
And he thinks that he’s the best.
Leaving every light switch on,
And he wakes well past dawn.

I’m as cold as the space
between me and those distant suns
we call stars.
I don’t want to live.
You watch me self destruct
and you say nothing.
You revel in it, even.
“You know how to snck d!ck”
as if that’s something to be proud of.
I can tear apart your soul too
but no one wants to talk about that.
I can turn you inside out
and make you look at yourself,
but you don’t want to.
I can’t help myself.
Am I a demon?
Or a witch?
Or something in between?
A fncked up human,
with no reason to live.
My emptiness yawns
like the mouth of a cave.
It consumes everything.
I am a hungry ghost.
Insatiable, invisible, and so lonely,
I want to die.