I can hate blue eyes
That catch my green ones on the street.
I can hate love songs
That make me turn off the radio.
I can hate seeing fire fighter symbols
That remind me of you.
I can hate that I still wear the bracelet
The one that you made me.
I can hate your shirts
That fill my closet with your scent.
I can hate crying
The kind that knocks me over.
I can hate that bench
Because we used to kiss on it.
I can hate cuddling
Because no one else's arms feel right.
I can hate blankets
That give me a false sense of security.
I can hate sleeping
When it only brings more bad dreams.
(What's the point in sleeping
When my waking hours are nightmares too?)
I can hate knives
And the fact that there are so **** many in this too small house.
I can hate breathing
Because I know it's something we both do.
I can hate myself
For not being enough for you.
The only thing I can't seem to hate
Is you.
I wish I could hate you.
I feel like it would hurt so much less
Than loving someone
Who is no longer here.

Everyone tells you it happens at 3am
When the walls close in
And you hug your pillow too hard
Hoping it will keep you from falling apart
Without him there to hold you together
When really it happens at 8:30
On a Tuesday morning
Light pouring through the kitchen windows
You brush your hip on the counter
And it feels like his fingers
You drop your cup of tea
And forget what to do with your own hands.

I pull my seatbelt a little tighter -
It feels good to be held.

You've been gone so long
I can sleep at night
I can hear our songs
*Maybe I can actually move on.

I am certain I heard
My heart break that day.
Physically ripped in two pieces
By the same hands
That once held me close.
Every day I fight.
Every new stitch I make,
In an attempt to pull myself
Back together,
Is a piercing hole in my side.
I tell myself over and over,
Even painful progress
Is a step in the right direction.
In pain there is healing.
I will find myself again,
*And I won't need your help this time.

I loved you so hard.
So fiercely.
So much it hurt sometimes.
You taught me
I was worth loving.
My next lesson,
Without you here,
Is how to aim
All the love I had for you
At myself this time.

Still hooked on you
Like a fish on a line
Being dragged through the water
My lungs crushed by the weight
It's exhausting surviving this way.
You forgot to reel me in one day
A fish (a love) not worth saving.
I wish I could set myself free
Release this painful hook
And learn how to swim alone again.

At the bottom of the ocean
Crushing crying
I'm choking
But I can see everyone up there
*They're breathing just fine.