I do not really understand why people choose to be hurt
Why do they have to go with the wrong choices even though they know the right ones?
Why do human beings choose to be stupid and lame and dumb?
Why?

Or is it just because they really don’t have a choice?
Maybe because they just really want to be happy
And whatever risk it may take, they just go and do it.

I do not really understand why pain exists
Like what the hell is wrong with this world
Oh, wait, I forgot. Everything’s wrong with this world.
Except for the beautiful things, may be.

Like the beautiful sky that reflects the ocean
Like the stars in the dark that shines so bright that most of us think they could answer our deepest wishes
Or like the sun that burns our skin and makes us hide under the shades of gigantic trees
Or… the beautiful you that you never saw.

I do not really understand why do we have to seek for love?
Why are we so desperate for it like peperoni on a pizza with cheese on it?
Why do we seek and long for it like air in our lungs?
Why couldn’t we just wake up one day and find that love that we’re hungry for?

I do not really understand why depression haunts me
It’s like a deafening silence banging in my brain
Killing its cells gently until it stops functioning
I feel like it’s obsessed with me
I don’t want it, I never wanted it. Never.
But I realized it’s the only thing that thinks of me.
It’s the only one that talks to me, that makes me feel overwhelmed…
And then it’s the only thing that makes me hurt myself, makes me cut my own hair, makes me wonder why do I exist, why am I here in this cruel world.
Nice huh. Sounds crazy.

I do not really understand why do my parents expect so much from me?
Wait, I’m not perfect. I have bruises and scars not just on the outside but in here in this ***** heart of mine.
Why couldn’t they understand that it’s not also easy for me?
Why couldn’t they just ask me and care for me and long for me?
Why couldn’t they stop comparing me? Why?

……


I do not really understand why.
I cannot blame my limited brain if it cannot answer all of these questions
But one thing I know is for sure…
There’s a God out there turning pain into beautiful paintings that scream of His love
Turning bruises and scars into words that give life
Turning depression into testimonies that release hope and comfort

And that love that you’re longing for?
That love that you’re desperate for?
That you’re hungry for?
It’s right beside you – that when you wake up, the moment you open your eyes, it’s right there…
He is right there.

Beloved, everything around you is nothing but temporary –
all the emotions, pain, depression, hurt, people…everything. Even you.
But remember this truth: you have a Father whom you could be with forever.
You have a Father Who cries with you, Who knows your anxious thoughts, your deepest secrets, your first love, your crush,
a Father Who knows all the pain that you went through.

Beloved, please remember this truth: He reached down from on high and took hold of you;
He drew you out of deep waters.
He left heaven for you.
He endured the suffering and the pain just for your gain.

I may not understand this love.
But this love saved me. He saved me.
This love makes me want to dance forever in His freedom.
And I want you to experience that.
He wants you to experience this genuine love that no one can rob.
He wants to be the desire of your heart.
He wants you to be lost in Him so that you could find yourself.

This poem is getting too long.
But I really made this… for you to know that whatever you’re going through right now,
You will overcome because He loves you. Jesus loves you.

And I want to tell her that I understand
what it feels like to be fake, insignificant,
and a shadow on the sidewalk of society.

And I want to tell her that I also borrow
the experiences of others --
that I, too, learn feelings
by stopping and staring at personal wreckage,
like a tourist of emotions,
like an inevitable wish of a human being.

your facade
will fade.
despite the splendor
of its ornamented
exterior,
in time,
it will crumble
and appear
to be
the wreckage
it had
always been
from the
very start.
this manufactured
structure
with shallow
foundations
and over adornment
cannot stand tall
for long.
one day,
these pillars
will turn into ruins,
burying
you
and all your
falsities
along with its rubble.

We danced toward
each other's wounds

with gentle step
and touched inside

and now the bleeding
has resumed

and all this blood
is hard to hide.

It sounds ridiculous but only I feel productive when I'm doing nothing.
Sitting back, just relaxing.
Popping blue beans, burning bowls of green.
And just thinking.
Daydreaming about how things could have been.
How things could still be.
But how things will probably be.
Just close your eyes and let music be your guide.

Entire lives constructed and played out
in grand fashion. A world so detailed
I would rather get lost,
And never come back to this travesty of a society,
so raw and primal.
so human.
My world is so beautiful and yet so depressing
because it's what ours could be, but never will become.
Anything to distract me from this.
The 24 year old burnout grinding through school because there aren't many options left.
So where will I'll be in 5 years?
I wont.