I am a thinking person, a logical person. Yes, that is true, but with that said, I am also a feeling person, with emotions intact, yet I am well able to reason and come to solid conclusions when emotions need that counterbalance. Sometimes, I succumb to the emotional side, but I always try to keep that in check with my logic based thoughts.
That said, deep inside somewhere, apart from my intellect and ability to think properly, is an insidious, dark hole that I don't want anyone to penetrate. For if it is penetrated, it takes shape and form to reveal a monster in its lair, like a fire breathing dragon, one that cannot be reasoned with. I know well of its dangerous effects.
That monster is shame. It has been tapped into before. It has been pervasive. It roars its wounded, angry bellow and wishes to take over everything that is about who I am. It overpowers logic and tells me that I am no good, that I am a failure, that I should just hide away from everyone. Shame tells me that I am hopeless, helpless and of no value whatsoever. It doesn't want anyone to come in and cleanse those wounds, for it knows no trust, knows no compassion. So it licks its own sores, soothing its own pain, has opted for self-preservation.
I want to slay that wounded dragon within, to bring it out of that dark, stinking den that it lurks in. I want to seal up the hole and cleanse away the infection, hopefully for good. I want to overcome that battle, to destroy the fierce fire breathing animal that took root early in life, from an ugly childhood, from school bullying, from life experiences that were ungodly.
But I am tired, and feel almost completely defeated. Yet I just exposed that secret to you, and ugly secrets revealed and exposed to the light can and do set us free.
So the battle continues, because I want to win and won't give up until I have.