I heard that if you do something everyday,
You'll become good at it.
Therefore, I could play my guitar once a day
Or I could paint trees at 3am during a month
And later become really good at it.
So I'll write something here everyday,
Until, someday, this notebook (and my mind)
Will be filled with beautiful things
Instead of messy thoughts
(although, sometimes, those can be beautiful too).

i sleep with a bomb under my bed

cut the blue wire
cut the red

(tick tock)

i can't live with this bomb anymore

i'm so hurt
i'm so sore


i cut my red veins
i cut the blue


it was going to end like this

i always knew

I blew
The heart shaped balloon

I filled it with
Every breath
I could take

I blew
Until I was empty,
My lungs hurted
And my lips were bruised

I tied a knot
So my air
Couldn't escape
From the heart
And that way
Keep our love alive

So,
I blew
I blew
I blew
And I took my last breath
For you

i want to say

hey i'm here
talk to me
i'm here
don't ignore me
i need you now


but i'm just so scared you won't know who i am

this has gone too far
why do I keep checking if you're still breathing?

Dead... - they said

I held your hand
it was so cold
your eyes were now blank - empty
is your heart still pumping?
the tears roll down across my face

Dead. - I said to myself

let me hold you
stay here forever
hold my bones together

don't you die on me
i won't forgive you

you’re like a disease
deep down in my throat, you keep me from skeaping
deep inside my chest, you keep me from breathing
you’re in my lungs
you’re in my veins
you make my bones ache
you make me feel weak and sick

and,
there is no way I can deny it,


I’m dying

I want flowers to grow in the darkest parts of my body
I wish I could say beautiful words that would made you cry and smile
I want to be a poet
I want my feelings to be poems
And my life to be poetry
I want to be pure as the sea
I don't want to be happy
I want to be free to fly
And leave this mad world
Full of emptiness

*******
i hate all of you
you're so happy without me
i can see it

when i'm gone don't ******* say you miss me
because all of you ******* hated me
and honestly
so did i

i can hear the ghosts
playing in my room at night


they laugh
they are trying to scare me

i took (too) many pills
because of my headache

but soon,
i discovered that

my headache
was actually
your name


being constantly repeated
in my head

by voices of the girls you kissed



who weren’t me

I'm drowning
In my thoughts
In my feelings
In my uncertainties
In my tears
In myself

I'm drowning
In the doubts

I'm drowning
In the vastness


Why do I keep drowning myself?

(...) Desculpa se às vezes digo o que não devia, mas tenho dificuldade em escolher as palavras certas quando o meu coração está prestes a explodir, um nó na garganta me impede de respirar e as borboletas no meu estômago tentam rasgar-me a pele.

if you go
please take me with you




and if i get afraid
hold my hand
and say we're okay

because
the ghosts can't hurt us
if we can't see them

will i ever be with you
i think to myself

i know the answer though
but still i whisper

i would travel the world
just so i could look at your eyes

Do you really like me
Do you really like to hear me talk
Do you really like the way I say I love you

i wanna kiss your lips
even if your breath smells like cigarettes
and bad words

When you look at me
Do you still see the person you adored?

Do you still see the person who adored you no matter what?

The person with whom you talked hours and hours until sunrise?

The person who tried to help you?


So if you do...
Please don't leave

PLEASE

I DIDN'T LEAVE

**I   AM     H E R E

trees
they're embalmed life
i bet they'd cry if they could



i wonder
if my cat would commit suicide
if he could

Don’t cry little angel,
I’m here to save you.
Let’s cry together, make a river.
Let’s dive in each other sadness
And swallow all the flowers.
Don’t cry little angel
I’m here to show you that you’re not alone.
Let's share our pain,
That's all we've got.

this song reminds me of you

i should listen to it while i can

while it isn't only sad voices
repeatedly whispering your name
into my ears

i took too many pills

i just wanted to sleep in peace
without all these ghosts in my head

The Stop's and the Start's

Stop complaining.
Stop wanting attention.
Stop regretting.
Stop thinking about him.
Stop wanting to be perfect.
Stop saying that you're going to do it and just do it.
(...)
Start working harder.
Start wondering.
Start doing something new.

The Do not's and the Do's

Do not show your feelings.
Do not cry.
Do not eat.
Do not buy things you don't really need.
Do not give up.
Do not be ridiculous.
(...)
Do apologize when you hurted someone.
Do your best.
Do what you want.
Do feel loved (because you are).

The You are's and the Be's

You are beautiful in your own unique way.
You are fine with your weight.
You are talented.
You are nice.
You are interesting.
You are funny.
You are contradictory.
(...)
Be more mysterious and reserved.
Be optimist.
Be neutral.
Be rude if you want to.
Be kind if you're in the mood.
Be fearless.
Be ruthless.

i rip the peels from my lips until i'm bleeding
i bite my tongue until i pierce it with my teeth
i crack my bones until they're broken


i scratch your back until there's pieces of your skin under my nails

I stopped in front of the mirror
And I looked at myself.
I put mascara on my eyelashes
And they grew long and dark.
I covered my face with base
And all imperfections were hidden.
I put lipstick on my lips
And then I ****** them gently.
I put the brush in the colored powder
And I passed it on my cheeks.

I was perfect

But such perfection deserved to last forever
So I decided to take twelve pills:
One baby blue
One green
One happy yellow
One purple
One orange
One ****** red
One soft lilac
One golden
One gray
One pale pink
One brown
And one white that dissolved softly into my mouth.

I had the perfection and the eternity in bottles

stop running away
i can't catch you if you run that fast

wait

are you running away from me?

i'm sorry
i'm so sorry

if i was too boring
and
if i was too needy



now please come back


you know i can't do this without you

i really can't

even if i want to

I want to know myself.
I touch every inch of my body
I touch every inch of my soul
All the dusty places that were once forgotten
There are some open wounds
They hurt, so I try not to press them
But sometimes I can't help it

Feelings I don't know or understand
Thoughts I'd rather forget

I am made of those little things
I am what I feel
I am what I don't know
I am what I can't understand

-I love you.
-Funny how I always thought you'd never love me.
(silence)
-Funny how I used to think the same.

sometimes i dream about you

those are the times that i wish
i could sleep forever

When I die,
She won't cry

Because for her,
Life is just a big word
She can't pronounce
Although,
They're just four letters
(2 consonants 2 vowels)
Together
A little word
Capable of
Making my bones ache

Because for her,
Life ain't a pain in the back
It ain't something
She's tired of

Infortunetly,
For me,
It is.

So when I'm gone,
Don't stay by my side
Waiting for me
To wake up

True friendship
Reading a good book
Watching the stars
Hugs and kisses
Warm and large clothes
Music
Crazy people
Cold seasons
Sunsets
When someone loves you back
Making someone smile
Food
Screaming
French movies
Sleeping in
Surprises
Running
Feeling loved

-Do you wish somebody was here?
-No.
-Do you love somebody?
-I do.
-Then why don't you wish that person were here?
-Because she already is.

you are the reason i smile
you are the reason i cry
you are the reason i laugh
you are the reason i get mad

you are the only reason i feel something

get off my shoulders
i can't carry you anymore

you're a shark






you are color blind
you perceive my movements
you make me bleed


but i'm not afraid


not anymore

don't go



please
please don't leave a hole in my stomach again

(...) It's in the insanity of darkness that I become sane.

E quando o mundo morre para nós,
Nós desejamos morrer para o mundo.

-Tudo isto é para mim?
-Sim, tudo.
    As flores...
      As árvores...
        Os oceanos...
          Os sorrisos...
            *Eu.