consumes me
black coffee
fuels me
i am on a path
to know
and never forget
lungs black
liver beaten
books read
pizza eaten
play the game
but keep it short
love your highs
and know your lows

a friend of mine
invited me to a party
I decided I’d go
even though I hate parties
people make me uncomfortable
so I avoid them as much as they’ll let me

the house has a large porch with a couch
which is nice
because I’m able to sit out there
and smoke cigarettes
away from everyone else

a girl is dropped off in a car and goes inside
girls are people too
and too I avoid them
but some are different
this one is an exception

she has long brunette hair
parted down the middle
and long legs
her eyes are happy
but not too happy

you see
the happy ones haven’t figured it out
haven’t realized how this **** hole runs
the happy ones haven’t left the city
and seen the smog resting on it

but her eyes have a sadness in them
and I like that

I want to follow her inside and take her home
convince her  we can be happily
sad together
late nights of whiskey and cigarettes
laying in bed all day watching movies the proper way
not speaking until it’s over

I finally came

wiped off with a ***** sock
got dressed
grabbed a beer
and started walking to the party

to know all
forget everything
and say nothing

is something nice
about smoking late at night
in the darkness of your room
perhaps its the lack of senses
all you can do is
see and feel
the orange cherry
floating like a ghost in front of you
the sensation of smoke
filling up your lungs
my room is always warm at this of the night
most likely from the scotch
i don’t mind though
it gives me an excuse to open the window
and let the cool air chill me
while i smoke
it is interesting how
something as simple as smoking alone
can bring one so much contentment
at such a lonely hour of the night

and it’s cold outside
on the dock
the dog is chasing mosquitoes
and I am drinking cheap wine

I wonder if my mother knew I’d be
as ugly as the world
black and blue and green
but mostly black
and I think back to high school
when I aced calculus
and made out with Ashley in the back of her Jetta
but I’ve always hated math
and Ashley died drunk driving her Jetta, I think

the dog and I head back up to the cabin
for another bottle of wine
as I walk up the steps
I can hear Hank Williams on the Silvertone
             “my bucket’s got a hole in in it
my bucket’s got a hole in it”

the mountain
            burns
while dogs and demons
trade souls for feather and bone

lapis lazuli
face down
             on all fours

i fell in love at the bar
sitting in my chair
in the company of friends
i drank my double
because the bartender
poured me a ***** glass
she passes me
i stop
never does this happen to me
never am i taken back
she is perfect in every way
her body
her face
those eyes
those lips
we are introduced
naturally
she is known
naturally
she is on a date
never
am i taken back
yet
she remembers my name
that is all i could ask for

holy

holy
holy—

on mesa
high dune    and tooth

bats sing

     there was a golden
     burial

howl
loud

sun    of son

throw my poetry in the trash and
scream hallelujah
maybe
then
I'll do the dishes

the herd     moaned
three legged
broken

& the shepherd spits
           blackgold
off
silver tongue

it is raining outside
it is raining
inside
my head
i pull the sheets over
in hopes of protecting myself
from the rain
no use
i am already soaked
so i stay in bed
waiting
until enough of it
dries up
with no sign of sunshine
i might be here awhile
waiting
with my blanket raincoat
and pillow umbrella

there are times
to give a ****
and times
to give a ****
both of which
should just be
thrown out the window
if hank was alive today
he’d understand
what i’d have to say
and let me do
what i have to do
yet maybe i
am just a fool

we still be lonely
if we weren't reminded
everyday?
does no one
look up at the stars
and realize
how insignificant we really are?
just because we are capable
of having feelings
doesn't necessarily
give them any meaning
don't get me wrong
i do not believe
love is overrated
i am a hopeless romantic myself
however
i do not lay in bed at night
wondering of what could be
for i
right now
and always
am being
to die alone
sounds so tragic
but aren't we always alone?
even if we are
dating
married
in love
we are always trapped
inside ourselves
if only we could understand
the beauty of our own company
maybe then
our lives
wouldn't seem so tragic