it is a lazy day
i've slept in
knowing i have little
to do:
drink coffee
smoke
read
and write
i enjoy days like these
no cares
no worries
although
i cannot help
but be anxious
is there something
i should be doing?
if not
why do i feel
that there is?
i guess my anxiety
let's me know
i am still driven
even on lazy days
like today

find a spot
rest and ponder
if done correctly
there will be
nothing
to ponder at all

to know all
forget everything
and say nothing

unsettled
and in between
on my forward
upward
being my only
direction
although i am
still stuck somewhere
in the mess
of it all
there is something
to be had
yet i haven’t
found it yet
i feel soon
it will come
but sometimes
i wonder how soon
soon will be
so i will smoke my cigarettes
and drink my whiskey
until soon presents itself
and my awkward peace
packs up and leaves

is like
the nights
you get so drunk
that you throw up
on your shoes
and **** in your bed
when you wake up
the next morning
you tell yourself
i swear to god
i will never drink again
but of course
that time between
sunset and sunrise
you find yourself
throwing up
and *******
all over again

is a sheep
in a black sweater
not real
not what they say
they are
not
what they do
when it comes down to it
to that specific situation
they fold
they crumble
they do what they do
what i hate
is how okay am with this
i do not mind their actions
do what you want
however
it makes me sad
i feel alone
with my thoughts
with my ideals
with my philosophies
with my mind
i try to help
but all i receive
is combat
i am okay with being alone
but i’d rather be accompanied
someone on the same page
someone on the same level
someone who’d
be frustrated with me
truly frustrated
i shouldn’t be trying to settle down
so young
i know
from stories told by others
that when the time comes
the time comes
so i will wait
i know eventually that time
will come
so until then i will remain
frustrated
with
everyone

in my cave
the cigarettes dry out my mouth
i am contented
but somehow not
like many nights
tonight
is just like those nights
we all
read about

it is raining outside
it is raining
inside
my head
i pull the sheets over
in hopes of protecting myself
from the rain
no use
i am already soaked
so i stay in bed
waiting
until enough of it
dries up
with no sign of sunshine
i might be here awhile
waiting
with my blanket raincoat
and pillow umbrella

half used
left side remains
empty
although dreams
are filled with company
reality sets in upon wakening
when you realize
the pillow next you
rests unwrinkled
nights are cold
no body to warm up to
nobody to warm up with
so an extra blanket
is the compromise
needing music to sleep
when normally silence
suffices
a bed
can be
one of
the worst reminders

oh lila
you are but a child
innocent in your play
building castles of sand
and breaking them down
running in the grass
and staining your jeans
so much chaos
you create
so much destruction
you manifest
oh lila
no one understands you
your simplicity is frustrating
everyone remains hallucinated
everyone remains vexed
your divine play
is but an eastern thought
however
is something we all
misconceive
when our layers are stripped
peeled off from our infinite selves
we will realize
who and what you really are
oh lila
you run our world

i fell in love at the bar
sitting in my chair
in the company of friends
i drank my double
because the bartender
poured me a ***** glass
she passes me
i stop
never does this happen to me
never am i taken back
she is perfect in every way
her body
her face
those eyes
those lips
we are introduced
naturally
she is known
naturally
she is on a date
never
am i taken back
yet
she remembers my name
that is all i could ask for

when your vision turns from one to two
when you’re kneeling down making porcelain stew
when stumblin’s all you can manage to do
that’s the blacked out blues
when you’re strolling down the street looking for a fight
and you find your target wandering by
that moment when you punch him in the ******* eye
that’s the blacked out blues
when getting laid is your only goal
when your only requirements are two legs and a hole
but little do you know your model’s a troll
that’s the blacked out blues
when your vision turns from one to two
when you’re kneeling down making porcelain stew
when stumblin’s all you can manage to do
that’s the blacked out blues
that’s the blacked out blues

consumes me
black coffee
fuels me
i am on a path
to know
and never forget
lungs black
liver beaten
books read
pizza eaten
play the game
but keep it short
love your highs
and know your lows