Lately I’ve been In search of an answer,
Digging deep into metaphysics .
To find that time isn’t real Only clocks exist.
The world is fake,
And you are living a lie.
Either way,
Aren’t you supposed to die.

I dont want to be who I am
Make me someone else
But not somebody smart
O god no
Make me someone stupid
I hate being who I am

*if you can please help me

high sense from illusion
Past away few months ago
she left us
alone ourselves
in dream night
my unconscious be appear
firewood thief to drawn
blind and deep in debt
plot plot plot
light someday will come
you still maintain
fly in the face of mom
full moon  it's covered with stains
cry because youre still fully eyes and blind
dingy
grimy
murky
fully eyes and blind

Afraid of the dark
Afraid of the shadows
Watching from behind
Afraid of the sparrows.

Afraid of the night,
Afraid of the flight.
Hiding behind the curtains,
Afraid of moonlight.

Afraid of the trees,
Afraid of the breeze.
He didnt like his place,
Afraid of the seas.

Afraid of the jaguar,
Afraid to go too far.
Hated the idea of living,
Afraid of the scars.

Afraid of the oceans,
Of the ships sailing by.
Afraid of the sunrise,
Also Afraid of the sky.

Afraid of the drums,
Afraid of the beats.
He told like liked competition but
Afraid to sow the seeds.

Afraid of the cross,
Afraid of the shine.
Hated to boast himself a lot
Afraid of the rhyme.

Afraid of the colours,
Afraid of the rainbow.
Colour blind he wishes he was
Afraid of the world .

Afraid of the melody,
Afraid of the songs.
Broken strings of the guitar,
Afraid of the strong.

Afraid of the screams,
Afraid of the dreams.
Wasn't sure of his abilities,
Afraid of the teams.

Afraid of the paradise,
Afraid to rise.
He wanted death,
Afraid of the lies.

And whoever thought it’d reach this point?

I am so empty.
I need someone to fill me up, this cavity in my chest.
Nothing I write makes sense,
Nothing I write is honest,
not even this,
why would it when I haven’t been able to feel
anything real in the past twelve months?

I used to be so emotional that I hated myself for it.
Feeling so much beauty for the world
that it felt like my chest would burst.
Having so much love to give that no one wanted to receive
that it felt like my heart would spill over.

And now nothing makes sense anymore.
I’ve stopped living in the grey areas of life,
I’ve been seeing things in black and white.
And everything I write or think is ****.
It’s not real, it’s not real and I
want to rip up this ****** poem
and scream my ******* head off until I can feel
something besides the crinkled edges of paper
on my palms.

I would rather be a little girl
with shards of glass living inside her
not being able to breathe without her ribs
feeling like they might shatter,
than be this zombie immune to pain
shuffling daily through life’s routines,
not caring for the homeless,
not caring for the senile,
not giving two ***** about the
who-gives-a-****-about-them-at-least-it’s-not-me
that were killed or are starving in wherever-*******-country
on the news last night.

I used to think apathy was the secret to life.
That it would be better to feel absolutely nothing
than have to live with the pain of feeling absolutely everything.
But I’d rather write something that nobody likes;
embarrassing cringe-worthy words full of promise that sound like
they were penned by an mentally unstable naive five year old,
than a viral masterpiece that sounds like it was written by
the next Sylvia Plath, devoid of meaning or feeling
besides writing for the sake of writing.

****.
****.
****. ******* ****.
Where has it all gone?

Being with you is not enough.

why do I constantly feel like crying
I am the one who did it
he is not the one to blame
during it I was annoyed, lying to everyone, guilty
hands are still stained with the juice of a pomegranate

now the weight has been released
so why do I feel so venerable
this is so unlike me, I hate it
I wasn't playing little submissive girl
it was a warm fleece blanket

but I guess I only can win mind games...

not games with the heart.

Not living life to the fullest
Scared yet dying to rebel
Family first but fun not close to second

Who is really there for me?
Who out there values me for the person I am?

Scared of rejection yet rejecting everyone in sight

Jealousy is stronger than I am

I want you. Bad.
No strings attached would be ideal.

Why must I confine to these rules?
Who am I doing this for, I wonder

I dream of melting into the shores
just you me and mary
Not a care in the world, no one to please

Unfortunately this is a fight not worth fighting,
I'm sorry.