I broke your heart
And I am sorry.
I hope this apology
Doesn't fall short.

I know some days
are extremely hard
our hug fell apart
before it even formed.

I am sorry, its my fault
You've given my days magic
And I returned in tragic,
And I can't fix things.

When you sing, your voice-
is soul moving and beautiful,
completely acoustical,
And I miss hearing it.

Don't blame yourself,
You are still beautiful
And that is indisputable
So please stop blaming yourself.

I remember you'd carry me on your shoulders
Watched as my clothes and smile got older,
I remember you held me in your arms,
To drive away the meaningless harm,
I remember cancer erasing your strength
And your hair became shortened in length.
I remember that my first word was your title,
Father,daddy,dad,pa like I was at a recital
But it was less Margaret Atwood, more shakespeare,
Because there was no happy ending to be had here.
I remember the way we wilfully fed the fishes,
But then I remember your back with all the stitches.
I remember you telling me you loved me in your final days,
But things that I've come to remember, are all but a haze
Because the things I believe I remember are stories
Told by mum, and I'll hold them to way past my forties,
Because I have nothing left of you except your DNA.
All the stories of us I've come to appreciate,
But...
What was a four year old really suppose to remember?
Is there really a Christmas miracle every December?
Come January, will I be able to walk any farther
As a man without ever knowing or having a father?

I wanted to write you a poem yesterday
But something along the lines of alone
Left that feeling washed away.

I wanted to write about how I'm here for you
But I guess you wanted something clearly new.
I was stressed from what words to use
To hopefully paint colours to your blues.
I could write of your smile
How it shined lights from a million miles
How your eyes were the right shape and colour
And they could stare into souls, pass the exterior covers.
How you appeared in my dreams
How you were beautiful
And ripped interlocked fingers like seams
So the sunrise and you had something in common.
Your sense of humour and words
Are to be envied by those who lacked.
Keep on shining

The word love was new to me
It was a strange concept
One I only ever saw on set.
Hollywood glamourised the word
Made peacocks out of normal birds
and taught that love always works.
There isn't a single soul mate,
There is no real workings of fate,
It takes trust, effort and patience.

I followed love, expecting a film,
I became a bit of a bitter bird,
but it was thanks to you,
that I realised, it only takes love
for love to work.

I've been thinking about the word crush
And how you were my first
And how better days became worse.
I sat behind you in English,
Every two p.m Tuesday was a picnic
And I dreaded when the class was finish.
I remember ignoring the world
From all the words the teachers hurled
I heard none of it,
Made fun of it,
to make you laugh.

The only time I ever saw your face
Was on my way to my desk,
But when it came to your fashion sense,
Or your favourite taste
I'd already known them all
Before I even knew you.

You did not look back all year,
Till the end of the year
When you and I were face to face
To tell me
'I've been shy, I wonder if you'd like lunch',
Trying to mask my joy, I giggled
'Yes I'd like that very much, place and time?'

You never appeared,
And that was the end of the year,
So now I know the meaning of the word crush,
I know of how you left my heart to crush,
I could c-the rush before everything fell apart.
You were just a crush.

A few years ago
We were an item
Thinking that our
Love was a titan.

You'd call me an a-hole,
I'd call you my *****,
Our vocabulary wasn't
Exactly labelled rich.

I painted a portrait
Of an ex that was crazy
with the tainted ink of
heartbreak and immaturity.

You grew happier
And I grew bitter
Like the taste of a
lettuce that withers.

All of the hostility
Was my own ocean
Drowning deep denial
And inner emotions.

I have grown mature,
Since being with you,
Appreciated that skies
will forever remain blue.

I have found a special
Someone who makes me
Wish to be the best version
Of myself that I could be.

My sun, my moon, my stars,
That cluster of hopeful light
Providing me with comfort
And warmth in the night.

I write this poem to
acknowledge my mistakes
Of breaking bonds by
Brandishing heartbreak.

You were not the crazy ex
That I made you out to be
And for all I've said
I hope I could say, I'm sorry.