this morning when i sat over the breakfast i couldn't finish,
i  noticed the kitchen clock blinking
the time was wrong
from two nights ago when the power went out
i missed you then too
in the awkward candle light too dark to move or read
i wished then i could have whispered to you in bed
whispered the poem i've been reading over again
i wish now that i could hear your voice
i have been talking with many people
and i feel bad to say so
but they bore me
you never did
i don't think you ever could.
i miss you tonight.
that's all i'm trying to say.

sometimes I see you, lost in books, and films, in deep conversations, searching for the theme, finding how it fits, or even how it doesn't, and why. sometimes you exhaust yourself, but that's alright, because you don't stop until it's finished, until you know. I like you best when you're searching, there is a fire in your eyes. you listen more closely, and you broaden your perspective. but it's okay to be calm at times, it's okay to remember all that you've discovered. sometimes you don't have to read, or talk. sometimes I like you best when you rest in your bedroom, waiting for the theme to come and writing it down for next time.

there's a dull ache that you can hear underneath my words
if you listen closely,
i don't speak very often anymore
but i still say a lot
to those who are trying to hear me.
this is true on most days.
other days there is an emptying hole
behind the phrases i utter
and anther worse in place of the ones i don't
but no one can see that,
not even the ones who want to,
because on those days no one can see me,
the hole has swallowed me up
with every word
i was too afraid to say.

I like to run my fingers over the bridge of your nose
That bridge leads to your home
And I'm at the door
I'm more in love with you than I know how to say
How to write
How to love you without limits
You are a joy
You are one hundred joys
Swimming in my chest
Rocks skipping on a pond
You are birds singing on rays of sunlight
You are a meal cooked by mom
And my life is full with you in it
Like the seeds in the center of sunflowers
Fish in an aquarium
Children out at recess
You are so much fun
An endless discovery
One hundred joys
Swimming in my chest
a divine kind of unrest
My body spells I love you
I love you

you stayed with me all night,
watching me sick and miserable
and enduring my terrible moans,
you studied my face
and the inconsistencies of my breath,
and at the end of it all you still said,
'you looked gorgeous last night,
im so glad you're okay.'

my
chest
aches
for
you
like
my
stomach
after
missing
another  
meal.

you noticed that i move when music plays
and i cant speak without making circles around my face with my hands
said, 'you put all of you into all you do'
and i nodded with my toes
this body is not enough to say
all there is in my mind
i can't express the way the world turns me
how could i make as much noise as my heart
on every hour, 3,600 times an hour
pumping my blood and beating me through
like the ripples on a water front
my body can't be enough,
someday dance with me
we could make a motion of the song together
we could walk two lines at once
tap your toes when i play next time,
jump up and down  
and know that inside i am always jumping
but you can jump higher
know that even on the days i don't speak quite enough
my heart is still making the fluttering click of a film projector
my mind is still a song of a factory, constructing dreams
out of the silly things i see, and all the things you say to me like,
remember that we both touch the same air
and it still carries our breath, not matter how far
know that i breathe for you,
hoping your eyes can see the way i force it into the atmosphere
out of me and into something so much larger
something that is always,
always expressing what i try to.

i'm starting to think maybe i'm not cut out for this. maybe life is just too much for me too juggle. like playing guitar is too much for my small hands. maybe i was never meant to play this song.

i never wanted this

it was never my idea

i only did what you asked of me.

you closed every door i tried to open,

i tried to take us somewhere new

but every time you locked me out

then sliped me a key that doesn’t work

and in the end i got desperate

‘cause old friends screamed at me ‘let go’

i never wanted to do it

but you told me to so boldly

and watched me trembling over my words,

looking for one last answer.

you told me to end it like it was over,

like i had already done it.

please know i never asked for this

this was never my idea

i tried to salvage what you severed

and piece it back together.

and now it’s all scattered

in songs and faded scenes

and though most of me is cold and weeping

some still arranges all the parts like a puzzle

desperately

hoping

that it’s not actually forever.

like the two dimes in my wallet
i counted the days i have felt lonely in my life-
only twice
maybe thats not right  
maybe all my time
today i doubted if you miss me at all
paced the room like i could walk to you
drove 'cross town like it would matter
cried like i'd feel better
do you know it scares me how much i love you?
it scares me that i love you at all
it scares me that you might always
be far away.

out the window it is a still night
and I am alone, in bed,
reaching for you with every part of me.

shaded windows and broken mirrors
gliding paper, too soft to hear
you're on the bed
rambling off words
but i'm clinging to the corner
trying not to be heard
sick with shallow breathing
scared that i will faint
i didn't want you to see me
so i asked if you could leave
but you were slow and wouldn't go
so i headed for the door
but when i turned the corner
i couldn't see anymore.

you're my least favorite tea but i drink you anyway.

it's been a while since i picked up a pen,
since i picked myself out of this rut i'm in.

how do you speak to me
with the fullness of novels
and not say a word?

there was a time when i could feel you through the miles
and despite it all my heart felt warm with the thought of you
but now i feel like the distance has doubled
and i feel so far away
from you
and from everyone else

there was a time when your words were enough
whispering that im the only one, your favorite girl
but after all the hours that pass between your apologetic updates
i doubt that i matter
to you
or to anyone else

i wish you would wake up and tell me what the ******* meant last night.

i miss you like a cigarette, and you were no good for me too.

i could never write enough apologies that say,
i'm sorry you love me
i'm sorry that i love him.

words are not enough.