right now,
if someone were to ask me,
"what is he to you?"
i wouldn't know what to say.

because i don't know what you are to me.
and i feel us drifting apart every second.

but 4 months ago,
if someone were to ask me,
"what is he to you?"
i would know exactly what to say.

d.l.b.

you came to me in a dream
and told me you loved me
after you had left me

what if my dream comes true?
what will become of us then?

i still remember what you looked like in my dream
you looked frightened
and i was confused

d.l.b.

i thought we were all friends
and i feel left out
you talk to her when you could've talked to us both
i just feel unwanted sometimes
like
why should i even be there

d.l.b.

occasionally i'll look to see how you're doing.
but it just makes me sad
to see you can be happy without me,
because i can't be happy without you.

d.l.b.

oh my goodness gracious
you're the cutest
you make me so happy
and i just don't know
what my life would consist of
if you weren't in it

d.l.b.

i bought a ukulele yesterday.
i'm so excited to play.
my hands are much too small for a guitar.

d.l.b.

i thought you had forgotten about me.
so my heart leaped when i discovered you didn't.
i had forgotten about you for a bit.
but then everything came back.

d.l.b.

the place where all my wishes would come true,
would be in a little apartment in new york city
with you
we would stay up late
laughing
and talking
and life would be absolutely wonderful
but look at where we are,
and where we want to go
five years is a long time
but you're my best friends
and i'm the happiest i've ever been

d.l.b.

there was a mouse in my math classroom today.
i saw it run across the floor.
it reminded me of myself.
scared.
confused.
worried.
poor little mouse.

d.l.b.

today's your birthday.
you're so wonderful, did you know that?
god knows if you'll ever see this.
i feel like i'm being pushed away by you.
but maybe it's just me.
happy birthday.

d.l.b.

everywhere I go,
i see things that remind me of you.
oh look,
he would like that.
oh look,
he would say that.
oh look,
he would do that.

d.l.b.

the fears have started to dissolve
my breathing is coming back to normal
everything is okay

d.l.b.

i don't like this feeling
please make it stop
why was i born like this?
afraid of every little thing

d.l.b.

i've started thinking of you more,
and replacing my thoughts of him,
with thoughts of you.
i'm not quite sure if i like it or not.
but it makes me happy,
to have a little reality

d.l.b.

two boys
both wonderful
one is close,
the other far
one is young,
the other old
one is tall,
the other short
one is known,
the other seen
both wonderful
two boys

d.l.b.

i so desperately want to tell you
all these feelings i'm having inside
and how much i long
to see your smiling face every day
but i say to myself,
"oh i'll tell him tomorrow,"
but what happens when tomorrow doesn't come

d.l.b.

even just the little things you do
make me so happy
you're so adorable and cute
i don't even think you realize it

d.l.b.

i like to read
fairy tales and pretend
that you're the prince
who's come to save me
from this horrible disaster

d.l.b.

sometimes i feel like
i get in your way
and you would just be better off without me

d.l.b.

i thought you had forgotten about me
so when i saw the message
pop up on my screen,
my heart overflowed with happiness
and excitement

d.l.b.

maybe if everyone
were a bit more like you,
the world would be happy

d.l.b.

nights are the hardest.
mostly because i can't just simply
look down and see you
browsing the internet
while we should be asleep

i didn't feel so lonely
like i often do
when i could just simply
look down
and watch you

d.l.b.

i'm crying again
i don't know what to do
you all make me so happy
and distance breaks my heart

d.l.b.

you're gone now.
and i'm not sure i know what to do.
all i've been doing is cring,
and wishing you'll come back

d.l.b.

seeing your face again
was like seeing your newborn baby
for the first time.
magical

d.l.b.

am i being replaced?
i don't know what to do.
you make me so happy
and i do the same
i don't want to be forgotten

d.l.b.

i haven't talked to you for 5 days
5 agonizing days
sitting around
waiting
for something
you

d.l.b.

i don't know what you're doing right now.
and frankly,
i'm not quite sure what i'm doing either.
but what i do know,
is that we're under the same sky.
and even though,
you could be watching a movie,
taking a dip in the pool,
or even just sleeping,
while i'm sitting here writing this poem,
we're together.
in a weird little mixed up way.

d.l.b.

it makes me sad
that you think that
i don't have enough time for you.
because i have
all the time in the world
especially for you

d.l.b.

you make me feel
so many emotions
at one time and
sometimes
i don't think that my mind
can handle it.

d.l.b.

another year older
another year brighter

d.l.b.

i should really stop
writing this poetry when
i'm tired in bed

d.l.b.

if i had any wish
in the whole world,
just one,
i'd wish for a plane.
so i could take myself to you.

d.l.b.

oh how i long to hold your hand
kiss your lips
run my fingers through your hair

d.l.b.

you keep picking at the scab,
hoping it will never heal.
because you like the way it looks
on your tiny little finger.

d.l.b.

tired eyes
weak smile
long nights
longer without you

d.l.b.

i'm too tired to
write a poem. i will dream
of you tonight, love

d.l.b.

oh how i wish
you were here with me right now.
right now at this very moment.
i think i'll go crazy without you
but having you right here,
right now,
would make it all ok

d.l.b.

i'm so confused
what is happening
why
i'm happy
yet sad

d.l.b.

insomnia
keeps me up at night
or that's what everyone thinks
but in reality,
it's not insomnia
it's you

d.l.b.

it's nice to have friends
who get you

too bad they live so far away

d.l.b.

let me introduce
you to the real me. this is
who i want to be

d.l.b.

do you ever just feel so alone?
once a week?
once a month?
what about every day?
but i suppose,
there are lots of people who feel so alone.
maybe we aren't so alone after all

d.l.b.

sometimes i pretend how life would be with you by my side.
no, not imagine.
pretend.
pretending is so much more valuable than imagining.
imagining can only take you so far.
pretending can take you anywhere
pretending is realer
and more fanciful.
imagining is cloudy
while pretending is crystal clear.
so no,
i don't imagine us side by side ready to take on the world.
i pretend.

d.l.b.

it's nights like these
when i want you
curled up beside me.
i'll listen to your heart beat
while you listen to mine.
we'll wake up in the morning
happy as can be
because we have each other

d.l.b.

i don't understand you
then again,
who really does?
you confuse me
and frustrate me

but i still love you

d.l.b.

stage makeup and lights
butterflies in my stomach
this is who i am

d.l.b.

my thoughtS are scattered
confused
i dOn't know what to think
i don't undeRstand
how the thought of me consumes youR mind
i'm sorry
mY thoughts are scattered
confused

d.l.b.

you knew exactly what you were doing
you knew exactly who you were hurting
how can you be this way?
******* the joy out of doing what i do best
just like a venomous snake
does it make you happy
to see the sadness in my eyes
to see my sorrowful heart
to know that i sit in the corner of my dark room
hoping that what you said will be forgotten?
but we both know it won't
does it satisfy your soul
that i somehow find the strength to see you everyday?
no
you will hurt me no longer
i will rise up like the sun
and accomplish what you said i couldn't

d.l.b.

I remember, Sunday, June 9th, the day we all met.
I've heard the melody of our ongoing laughter.
I've taken the advice you've given me, to make me a better person.
I remember how it felt to have our own little jokes and secrets no one else knew.
I loved receiving the letters you all carefully wrote and signed the same.
I've hung up funny pictures of you, knowing they can make me laugh when I'm upset.
I have seen the depths of your hearts, and you have seen mine.
My favorite thing to do was have late-night video chats because I always feel asleep happy.
I've learned how to be a better person because of you.
And I will never forget you, my best friends, Margaux, Alexandra, and Emily.