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 Dec 2013 Dhirana
bb
I press the scalding hot washcloth against my face while it's still soaking wet and inhale. This is what it feels like to drown. I think about your eyes, how they are so dark, like solar eclipses and I think about how your nails leave crescent moons in my heart. This is what it feels like to fear. In a dream, your weight is resting on my neck and you tell me to tell you that I love you, but the minute I open my mouth, my throat is filled with butterflies and my trachea snaps. This is what it feels like to love. I take off my black lacquer polish and I can't hide the blood under my fingernails anymore. This is what it feels like to know. Your mouth touches my face again and again and I cannot break away to take a breath and I am overtaken by the sweetest darkness. This is what it feels like to die. This is what it feels like to drown. I am drowning drowning drowning drowning drowning drowning dro
 Dec 2013 Dhirana
bb
Maybe
 Dec 2013 Dhirana
bb
Maybe I am a crybaby. Maybe I am the person that feels twice as hard because she has a father that doesn't feel anything and maybe I love too much because I watched 2 parents that didn't know how to do it but they pretended because l talked to myself since I was too young to understand why the sky is blue and maybe the things I said scared them. Maybe I made up friends, not for the sake of having some, but for the sake of knowing that at least they understand and at least they won't judge me because I scratched my legs until I bled and they don't know that I'm making up all these happy stories of vacations I've never been on so I don't feel so sad in school while everyone talks about what they did over the summer because all mom and dad ever did was scream at each other run from their problems while I drew in my room. Maybe I grew out of my imaginary friends because I'm not even worth their imaginary time and their imaginary presence the imaginary way they pretended to care. Maybe I called my dad even though I know what he did because I still loved him because he's still my ******* dad and he loved his son and he wouldn't tell him that it's wrong to break baby birds' necks and it's wrong to sneak into your sister's room and hurt her. Maybe he hasn't picked up on the fact that life is a big cycle, but you can't let your child hurt because your father let you hurt and his father let him hurt. Maybe I left long voicemails talking about one day being able to see him without a supervisor because I hated the way she wrote everything I said down, including the time I cried because he wouldn't stop prying me about if my mother would let us go out of state together. Maybe I don't need razors and cigarettes because my body isn't even worth the pain at this point. Or, maybe I'm just a coward who can't face death or who doesn't want to hurt more than she already does. Maybe I love too many sick people. Maybe I love too many normal people. Maybe everyone's sick and I just don't realize it yet. Maybe I self-loathe too often, maybe I shouldn't have said those things to people I thought gave a ****,; maybe it's a dream and I'll wake up and be five again. Maybe I don't want to be five again because being five was more hell than being alive. Maybe we wish some people we love were dead because it's too painful to know that they are somewhere loving some stranger when they couldn't ******* call their own child back. But I don't know. I don't know a thing. Not a **** thing. Maybe my ghosts sing because they've got nothing ******* better to do, because their fists just slide through every wall they try to punch. Maybe the dead don't rise because there's something about this life that makes Hades look like paradise I don't know. I don't know a **** thing. Maybe the wolf is howling at what the moon took from him. Maybe the stars are self-conscious and don't like to be stared at. Maybe we're always alone. Maybe we're always ******* alone. But I don't know. I do not know a **** thing.
 Dec 2013 Dhirana
Harry J Baxter
Walking down the street I pass
a girl walking in her bundle of flannel and warmth
strut strut strut
I blow smoke from the corner of my mouth
to spare her the danger
of my second hand smoke
 Dec 2013 Dhirana
Amanda
You see, someone who can make you the happiest.

Can also make you the saddest.

Oh, the irony ****** even the places in my heart that I thought were impervious.
Good morning, Good Afternoon or Good night! x
 Dec 2013 Dhirana
F Alexis
Isn't it ironic, lovely ones,
How so many pretty faces
Can hide a demon's soul?

How the same eyes which bat their lashes
In flirty beckoning,
Offer a window into wickedness,
An entrance to an evil place,
That harbors evil things....

How the same lips which speak such pretty words,
And lovely falsities,
In pleasant company
Drip poison behind the safety of closed doors,
Without the courage to speak so
In the outer realm...

How the same mind which seems so wise
Can foster such horrid operations,
An assembly line of treachery
Which twists and warps that
Which really is
Into what is isn't,
For its own selfish, devilish purposes...

Isn't it odd how the world's
Cruel jokes
Have remained so timeless,
Doomed, like history,
To be repeated,
Over and over again?

"Do not judge a book by its cover," they say.

And isn't it funny how this phrase
Aims to promise some unknown good
Behind that cover,
But never entertains the possibility
Of evil behind it,
Instead?

Yet it still holds true.

It is far more dangerous
To trust a pretty face not supported
By pretty words and actions,
To have faith in a glittery exterior
Without pondering the worms
Which breed underneath,
Than it is to doubt
A far less attractive cover,
Beaten, threadbare, its title worn off
By the winds of the world,
May guard a mine of diamonds within.

How foolish of us all
To take at face value
That which we see, hear, and touch.

How irresponsible
To abandon the idea and support of proof,
And let our judgment laze around,
About as useful as if it we hadn't had it at all.

I find it hard to pity those moths
Which do not examine the light
Before letting themselves fly into it.
When the static crackles,
And the glimmer flickers,
And the wings are burnt and injured,
It is too late for a second thought, then.

And as a bystander,
I cannot reach out and pull them from it.
I can call out my warnings,
My cautionary tales,
And even my proof that the light,
In all its beauty,
Harbors a special kind of evil
That they clearly cannot see,
But I must let them learn.

As much as it hurts.


I truly believe that what we put out
Into the world
Will come back to us.
Perhaps not today,
Or tomorrow,
Or anywhere
In the forseeable future ahead.
But it will return.

And though my human nature
Demands I bring order to the wicked,
Expose their evils for the world
To shudder at,
And cower away from,
It is not my job.

These forces which surround us
Bear that burden.

I, a small and staggering presence
Among billions,
Can only perform what I know it right,
And good,
And kind,
And hope that my fellow man,
Instead of drooling at the sight
Of fool's gold,
Will find a true beauty in this instead,
And choose to abandon all that deceives.


On a day which has no date,
No time,
No existence until it is ready,
Justice will come to the evil ones,
And those foolish enough to follow them.

How gloriously the wicked will fall,
Their cries ringing in ears
Which heard their sneers and cruel remarks,
Underhanded jabs and petty,
Childish words,
So many times.

Ears which will hear the music
Of that which was sown,
Being reaped
In the rays of a glorious sun.

Those untrained minds,
Which sought the disappointments
Of easy friendships
And sparkling facades,
Will fall, as well,
Regretting their decision to
Believe in the unreal,
And abandon their sense.

And I, at the end of it all,
May stand with fewer than I started with.

But, with those solid few,
Apart from the unstable masses,
I will still stand stronger
And better than I was,
And with minds like mine,
Rooted in goodness, kindness,
And grateful for the difficult journey
Which brought forth the lesson that
Examining a person's cover
Is well worth discovering what lies beneath.

Beware.
 Dec 2013 Dhirana
jamie
titled: The True Confessions Of A Heartless Girl

this is not an apology letter and i will not apologize about my words that reek of *****, neither will i express my heartfelt woeful regret for burying what was left of your love under black wilted roses. in September we spent four hours under a tree attempting to bind our hearts and minds but i crumpled them together with the fallen autumn leaves, leaving you staring at the exposed bits of yellow xanthophylls and orange beta-carotene blended with the beautifully bruised muscle. i’m not sorry that your flowers ended in the trashcan with the weeds, but they were crooked and fading. i’m not sorry that the love poem you requested from me was written in the cemetery on the back of your father’s obituary, and i’m definitely not sorry that the first tree i felled in my backyard was the one with our initials carved in your pinned dead heart. call me heartless, but this will clear up everything you were ever baffled about. i am heartless. no, not that type of heartless. i am literally heartless. in my chest there lies a chest of drawers which used to be unlocked and filled with human traits but somehow along the way i think the key to them ended up rusting in my bottomless pit of a stomach. i won’t ask if you still feel that tingle in your spine when my name is mentioned, but did the letters from her burn prettier than the ones from me? did your last name fit her better than it did with me? did the last petal you plucked ended with “she loves me”? i know she smells like honey and roses but i’m not sorry that i smell like roadkill and expired cheese. now it’s December and i’ve changed my name to Hollow then repainted my skin with cut out pieces of eulogies. once upon a time i was actually a teen girl with hummingbird heart beats and red apples for cheeks, but as of today i am completely out of touch with this world, painting nail varnish on cigarettes and tucking in tulips with the weeds. her sad words may be written on textured paper but mine will stand up and punch you in the eye. most of the time we learn that you have choices in life, but all i ever know is that for every big leap you take you’ll end up with a splintered bone and it’s just like writing your life story in permanent ink. maybe one day the ocean will freeze and you’ll find the hidden message in your coffee, but this is not an apology letter and i’m still not sorry for scalding your skin with a hot iron rod when we were twelve years old. see you in the pool of regret; i won’t be there, since i’m lacking a heart.
 Dec 2013 Dhirana
jamie
who are you?
 Dec 2013 Dhirana
jamie
when people meet strangers it’s only normal to ask “who are you?”, and the next sentence verbally put out will be what they call First impressions. when people meet strangers it’s only normal to ask “who are you?” and then what do we say? when i was 3 and in my pram i answered “i’m a girl”, when i was 8 and at a dinner with my mother i answered “i’m her daughter”, when i was 16 and at a party i suddenly found the words choked in my throat.
who am i?
that night i went to bed with crawling skin and whispering thoughts armed with hydrofluoric acid that nibbled away at my soul as the clock ticked by. painful seconds, minutes, hours passed, and i decided i couldn’t. that night i spent the remaining hours sitting in front of my mirror manually taking myself apart like a jigsaw puzzle that seemed to fit but never really did. there i sat, in the heavy, thick atmosphere of confusion, anger and suffocation.
who am i?
i arranged the pieces of me neatly on the silver tray― the oesophagus with years of corrosion by food that i reversed back up my throat so forcefully i made gagging look professional; the horrifyingly thin skin on my wrist with the twisted definitions of Art i thought would release the emotions in me. is there a word for putting back a shattered sculpture only to throw it down from the twenty first floor? is there a word for being forcefully submerged in bitter water and trying to breathe, only to realize you can’t? there is only so much you can lock into twenty six letters, but this is not about me.
this is not about me.
this is about the people who have lost grip of the kite strings attached to themselves and can proudly declare “I am a lawyer”, “I am a doctor”, “I am a teacher”, “I am an artist”, “I am a singer” but can not convince themselves about their empty eyes. this is about injecting those already stained with insecurity with self esteem, pouring emotions and feelings into their hollow shells of bodies, only then can we shrill with satisfaction “I have contributed to the world!” this is about dreaming of a day when people are asked “who are you?” and the answer will come flowing from deep within unlocked ventricles. we will refuse to be contained in blurry, grainy. colorless film with faces blended onto one another.
this is about dreaming of a day where mirrors are looked down upon and weight is merely a number.
meant it to be performed as Spoken poetry
 Dec 2013 Dhirana
jamie
one word
 Dec 2013 Dhirana
jamie
ast night i looked into your eyes and felt the ***** of your blue orbs. your finger on my lips smells like peaches and strawberries, and the knife you plunged in my back bled in hues of orange, purple and red. about a month ago i sat by the beach reciting my written poem while gargling the ocean foam in my mouth and feeling the horizon twitch behind my eyelids. July was pale with throbbing angry blue veins while November was a green tree brimming with life and pink petals. when mom and dad fought i could feel every stinging crack on my skin, slowly wrapping around my neck and jamming my oxygen supply. the flowers you gave me are rotting on the bedside table― some nights it moans and groans and other nights it whispers unsaid words from your cemetery of a heart. i want to turn into a pile of ashes and be swept away by the wind. i want to slide down the curve of your spine and watch your goosebumps form. i want to stuff you into a glass vase then fling you down a skyscraper. i want to entwine all your senses together, then maybe you’ll stop calling me insane because that isn’t my name.
frantic unedited post on synesthesia. pardon the errors if any.
 Dec 2013 Dhirana
jamie
Untitled
 Dec 2013 Dhirana
jamie
i am slowly drowning in my own skin as the days tick by. /// (sun. rise. set. rise. set. rise. set.)
i have forgotten the feeling of being burnt by a candle and i am getting sick of being left behind on motel walls and left under tongues. haunting breathing and missed airplane flights remind me that i’m alive, but all i want is to be left in a puddle to fester. inhale. exhale. i wish human bodies were transparent so we could see exactly how important each ***** is. maybe we wouldn’t hurt ourselves anymore. children laughing echoes in the rusting playground and we sit around the candle to watch it burn out. the birds make me wonder what its like to be free. every cell aches for that mysterious feeling and i am a sixty page poem on Dead People. is there a word for feeling every vein clog up and body shut down? across the street lies a chained boy writing about smoky eyed girls and heavy pockets, and right down the road there is a curled up girl thinking of flower stems and smudged paintings. we gargle the ocean and continue listening to the violent waves.

“I just want to be free” whisper the spinning planets
 Dec 2013 Dhirana
jamie
Raw
 Dec 2013 Dhirana
jamie
Raw
i.  parts of my life are slowly blurring out of focus and i’m only left with the vision of an impaled heart on a fishhook. i want to quickly grow up, and yet i don’t. i dream of long train rides accompanied by good music and books, and dream of meeting the person who will morph to be the other half of my body. i store a jar of empty promises in my room and they are getting fuller as i meet more people. the irony is present.

ii.  i’m sick of seeing art forms caressing glittery pretty words that hide the harsh world. i want to see more paintings of crying women, more baring of the inner souls, more bared ankles and twisted bones. i know the secrets you think you hide behind your tight jaws and everything boils down to nothing when atoms collapse upon each other and eyelashes are trimmed. there is something romantic behind skin on skin contact and fluttering eyelashes and i will stop at nothing to capture them in black & white.

iii.  lessons on how to escape your body are filled with applications and i wonder where they want to escape to. bruised knees are tangled to the rhythm of church music as the professor reads page after page of rotting letters to a room full of skeletons. clear your throat and cobwebs in your heart, for spring is headed here and warm bread will soon take the place of cold carcasses & wilted flowers.

i shift in my grave.
5th December ramblings
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