We spent days together. smoking kush, watching the **** tube. everything seemed like it could last forever.
sometimes i wish i could go back to that place, of both calm and aware. a place where all we had to care about was what to watch.
but instead im here. alone. worried, frightened even.

when will you come back?
when will we sit together?
when will i be able to lye my head on your lap as you run your soft finger tips through my sandy hair?
when will we laugh together, smile and kiss a little?
when will we not have a care in the world?

i want it back.
i want it all back.

i hate being in a world so rushed by society.
i hate living in a community where money is everything.
i hate people who take showers every morning.
i hate people who throw their pocket change at homeless men.
i hate people who quote movies and think its cool.
i hate everybody.
but not you.
and right now, i need you



i am *dying

right now, I sit curled up on my couch, under a warm blanket shared with my swear heart
we listen to the soft roar of the crackling fire
feel its heat radiating from across the room
the reflection of an old christmas movie on our happy faces
black and white couples flashing across the screen
a girl with a present
a man with a cigar
a child looking at the toys through the window
it all looks so nice on our flat screen

the steam from our hot cocoa starts to fog up the screen
the acting wasn't that great anyway, might as well turn it off

"you wanna listen to She and Him, I have their new christmas album on vinyl."
I laugh at his hipster-ness
"of coarse"
"rockin' round the christmas tree"
he knew I loved Zooey's voice

"care to dance?" his voice like butter
and who can resist butter??

we glide across the carpet, almost stepping on the pets
everything was so perfect in his eyes
as they were inches closer and starting to close
I guess I should be doing that too

CONTACT

it was sweat like candy canes at first then salty like a ritz *******
but still good
we stumble over back to the couch, Little Saint Nick playing
the blanket is long gone now

I can feel his burning hands messing with my bra
his mouth caressing my collar bone
its off, along with every other piece of our clothing
now the tv screen is covered with a different steam
the cocoa spilled on over my legs
his hand on my head pushing me downward
hes too strong

just as I was about to give him something he would never forget we hear something from the fire place
it startled us both
after the black dust flittered down we saw two little black boots
and then heard the grunting of a man, much different than mine or my boyfriend's
could it...
no thats impossible!
is it?


before I could question what was going on he was there, in the room with us
santa
his face soon turning red after realized what he had stumble in on
he didn't say anything though, just walking over to the tree and put some small packages down
then left
as he rode away we could hear him shout
"MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!"

well this is awkward

"we're getting a divorce"

no.

how could you do this to me?!
do you hate me?!
you must!
why the **** would you have a kid if you knew this might happen?!

anger

violence

rage

fine
get ******* divorced
I don't give two ***** if you love each other or not
I don't love you
I will never love you ever again
ever

leave

hate

ignorance

please don't
I need you
you don't understand how much this will ruin me
I feel like my life is decaying right in front of me
just please don't leave me

plead

cry

pain

I accept the fact that you don't love each other
it's okay
I'll be fine
just take care of your issues
I will always love you
together or apart

quiet

depression

change

I just don't want to live anymore
it's getting harder to put thoughts together
and then speak
nothing is right
I need help

dread

isolation

suicide

the more I know, the more I know I don't know

and that is okay

because

in that moment

I am absolutely passive

things may come

and things may go

like they will do

and it will not affect me

I am still

listening

feeling

aware

zen

My seed coat is pressed up against me
holding tight, protecting me
as I age I break free from its grasp
growing away from its warmth
when there is finally room to stretch I let my roots flow out of me, bursting downward towards the center of the Earth
coming from the opposite end of my body is my radicle
reaching for the light, it climbs its way out of the darkness and into the sweet summer air
to feel more of the sun's heat I unwrap my cotyledons
so enthralled by the light, I can't help but but let true leaves sprout upwards, to touch the sky
my leaf viens swelling with excitement
I need more
before I had time to think, an internode grew out of me
with small buds everywhere
I am content, but need more color in life
so I forced the buds to explode into a bright yellow color
apparently the yellow also attracted some bees
because I was soon surrounded by them
after they left I felt tired, worn out
ready to sleep
I let my body start to decay
shrinking back down to the darkness
the silence
as I leave, I decide to give part of myself back to the Earth
out of my last living limb
I squeeze out a few more seeds for you to remember me by
there, now my work is done
I will rest

When he puts his mask on he's nice and caring
he will ask you how you are and offer his advice at any time
his mask is soft and warm
he will be generous
he will kiss you
he will know everything about you
he will buy you things
he will be romantic
and you will think he actually loves you
but don't fall for it
for his mask
he's not really like that
not at all
under that mask is something completely different all together
he will spit
he will growl
he will lie
his face is sharp and defined
he will reject you and point out your faults
he will use you
he will abuse you
so watch out for him
because he is out there
waiting
for his next lover

there was a girl who had a pink ribbon
she never got rid of it
even when her friends left her
even when her dad ran away
even when her aunt died
she would never get rid of it
no matter what

there was a girl who had a pink ribbon
she never let go of it
even when she got sick
even when the doctors tried to take it
even when her mother was crying
she will never let go of it
no matter what

there was a girl who had a pink ribbon
and it fell from her grasp
right as she stopped breathing
right as the loud alarm when off
right when the all the doctors rushed in
and as it fell to the ground
her mother picked it up...

there was a girl who had a pink ribbon
she gave it to her mother
her mother cried over it
her mother yelled at it
her mother hung herself with it
and as she fell she saw her daughter
dressed in white
holding the pink ribbon