Melachonic, yet joyful, and still no care in the world, i don't even know what struggle is, i still don't know what i want, its like a whirlpool of emotions, and i am so unsure of my self, blinded by something unknown to me. Blinded, stopped, and disabled.

I know you dont notice the way i admire you when you pass by, or when we talk and my eyes light up and my heart starts to beat faster, you are oblivious to what i feel for you, you have captured my attention like no one else ever before, but i know nothing will ever come of this, maybe its because were too different, or timing, or something much more complex that i cant seem to figure out.

I have this deep and profound interest in you, this feeling i cannot explain, this feeling that yearns deep inside of me, this feeling that only you can trigger, i want to know what your about, i want to know your wants and needs, i want to know the thoughts deep within your sub-conscience , i want to know about you, all of you, i want to be the one person that can really get through to you, i wanna be the person you have a soft spot for, i want to be the person you confide in, i wanna be the one person you love, and frankly if i cant love you as a lover, i will love you as a friend.

everything starts to feel so unreal, I've lost track of who i am, I've lost control and the person i have become feels like a lie, positivity feels so far away, happiness feels so unattainable and i know I'm slowly leading myself to my own demise, I'm slowly dieing  inside and everything is just all depending on time, how long will it take until i crack?

I dont have my head on straight, im putting my wants before my needs, my priorities are all messed up, and my mind is so far gone, my decisions are slurred, my morals are derranged and yet again i dont know what im doing with my life, i dont know where i went wrong, i dont know when everything turned to ****, i dont know what to depend on anymore.

Im a country away from everything and everyone, all my worries are far far away, i have no reason to be sad, but still i find myself here in an empty room crying at 11:36 P.M.

Im just starting my day, its early in the morning, and I'm in pain, a sort of pain that cant be shaken, i am melachony, i am pain, i am sadness, its become a part of me.

Your absence creates this endless pit of despair inside of me, just seeing you makes me so excerntric, just your existence fills me with joy, i wish there was more.

I dont know what im doing with myself anymore, it feels as if my mind and heart are slowly deteriorating, like my existence is falling apart, i feel as if im becoming everything i never wanted to, i dont know where im headed, i dont really know where i am right now, im not sure of much anymore.

My biggest tormentor and my worst enemy, lives within my mind, it destroys me and defeats me, this "thing" comes and goes frequently and it isnt gentle in the slightest way possible, it conquers me, it takes control, and it breaks me down.

I tend to have a deep endearment and emotional intrest in coldhearted people, i see good in them, and i want to develope a relationship with them, i fall inlove with what i know they can be, i want to be there for them and see what there about, i have this huge thing for ******* type people, but sometimes when you play with fire, theres a great possibility you will get burned.

Is there a purpose to this? This profound loneliness, this constant need for whatever it is i yearn for, this helplessness, this constant sadness that has become almost like a numbness, what are its reasons? Where will it take me? Will i ever be happy?

Confused on the perception of wrong and right or if the two should even be distinguished, I'm lost and indecisive on wether i should act based on instinct or thought, I'm uncertain of who i am and what i think, i am unsure of myself and my needs and wants.

Theres close scattered all over the house and dishes mounted up in the sink and everything has been dark since we returned back home, it terrified me to see one of the strongest men i know, my father, cry. Ive never seen someone hurt so much, i had never seen him cry ever I'm my whole 16 years of life, and it wasn't much he cried for about 3 seconds about 2 times throughout the whole funeral, but the rest of the time when his eyes would not tear, i could see the immense pain in his eyes and it troubled me to see someone so strong and brave break down and hurt, it hurt me to see my father like that my dad has always been a hard person to talk to and an even harder person to relate to. I didn't know how to comfort him nor how to make things better. I haven't seen him since the day we got back we've returned to our usual routine of him going to work at the crack of dawn and returning about 10 and me going to school leaving no time for us to see each other let alone interact with each other.

Torn and unsure, should i follow my instincts blindly or think this throughly, should i keep to myself and stand alone, rely on only myself, or open up, what is right and wrong, should they even be distinguished? Or should life be simply that just life, pure life, just simply living without any expectations or categories? What is there to do? Keep to your self  and do nothing? Or to do everything.

Its like im here, but im not really here, im here physically, but not mentally, in sit here , but where my mind is? That, thats the million dollar question that remains unknown to me. Where is my mind?