Let me insure your cat
Cold calling
Let me rewire your home
Cold calling
Let me reseed your toupee
Cold calling
Let me repair your crazy paving
Cold calling
Let me put a satellite dish in your attic
Cold calling

Champagne or cyanide
It's your call.

I met a boy the other day
At first he turned to walk away
But then he stood

If in that moment
I had spoken

What we shared
Would have been broken

So I let it be.

I cannot say what made him stand
And look upon a man
He never met before

But there and then he was forgiven
And I escaped my adult prison

Because that boy was me

If you go down to the woods today,

You might get a big surprise.

If you go down to the woods today,

You'll get more than itchy eyes.

The toxic dust that sheds from spruce,

Will coat your lungs and turn you puce,

Today's the day the foresters spray their cash crop.


With apologies to all Irish teddy bears.

I love your sense of fun

When you smile you light up the sun

You are still my number one

Even though you are not my real Mum.

When travelling on the bus to town
Put down your phone and look around

Forget about your facebook cronies
Who wants to be a mobile-phoney

Now you’re in a public place
Why not try a face-to-face

It’s not an easy thing to do
To greet the person next to you

But if you do and share a word
You both will be by grace preferred

Written by Dermot Kirwan

I went out this morning and met the sun at the end of my street.

Smiling, it nearly won me over but I obeyed my feet.

I felt it’s warmth as I made my retreat.

If it is still there tomorrow I’ll pull up a seat.

I have got through life like a wounded animal.

Head down, avoiding further conflict.

When I look back on it all, I see no trace of me, no flattened grasss, no displacement.

Even the air remains undisturbed.

I want to come back as a crazy African rhino with a arrow lodged in his ear.