An event, an occurrence,
As if it all happened in a flicker.
Part of my past,
Part of my identity.
Learning to embody it,
Learning to sift through the pain.

Its effect coursing through every interaction,
Every conversation.
It held me in its grasp.
A prisoner to its will,
My emotions and feelings a puppet,
****** reactions a reflex.

As I take steps to unravel it,
Actions and thoughts become more understandable,
Relationships more translucent.
With consequences of a new sense of anger,
A surge of hate,
Flowing through my body.

I stare it in at in the eye,
Show it valor,
I am here to fight.
Detours may ensue,
But I will find my way back.
No longer will I be a pawn.

A self-arranged route.
Ambitions led me forward.
Every step was to gain my adolescent aspirations.
I was confident.

When life was array,
The goals became my crutch,
My vitality,
The only reason to move, progress.

Idealistic and naive.
Blind and hopeful.
I meandered swiftly,
I gallivanted unsuspecting.

If I was to truly exist, I had to control my haste.
Oblivious to true adversity,
I needed to digest the lesson,
I needed to understand the complications.

Unexpectedly, the caveat stared at me.
I fought and clashed,
To only raise the white flag of surrender.
The battle was lost.

Who I was eluded.
I struggled through a sea of self-impediments.
I allowed myself to drown in the agony.
I did not have the armor to save me.

Through the fog, I heard songs that healed.
I held on to the words as they began to stitch me together.
I started to crawl,
I knew I would never be the same again.

I knew I had to start a crusade,
An onslaught against myself,
An onslaught against the organization.
I knew I would never be the same again.

As I raised armaments,
With the reinforcement in my ears,
I began to evolve.
The person I was became more substantial.

I had further tribulations ahead,
But I was more prepared, more capable.
I was humbled, yet proud.
The person I was became more unobstructed.

Through the misfortune,
My identity became solidified,
I reattained my dreams,
And I made efforts to get a steady hold.

I told myself I will not founder.
I told myself I could not relinquish.
For this was the war that would define me,
And I knew I must persevere.

Staggering with each step.
Unsure,
Unreliable.
A state I have never felt.
Uncharted,
Unimaginable.
As if I am treading without sight,
As if I am wandering without hearing.
I have to depend on my instincts,
In a world of disgruntled confidence.
I grab for anything,
Yearning to latch on to something solid,
Something paramount,
Something substantial.
I yearn for connection.
I ache for love in a way I've never felt before.
I want to take your hand and never let go.
I want to take you into my arms and be enveloped in happiness.
Impossible, for I am not capable,
Perpetually alone.
A nomad in my own brain.
A sole vagrant left to travel for infinity.
I can try to be optimistic,
But my past only shows one path,
One I have sowed myself,
I must take the consequences.

Burdensome to breathe,
Laborious to walk,
Clutch back tears as my hands tremble.
Thoughts scramble,
'I'm a failure,'
'I'll never be good enough,'
At the forefront of cognitions.
Cycling through,
Impede on concentration,
And everything done can no longer stop it.

Crawl inside.
Shrink and revert.
I become seven again.
Take each word and misconstrue the meaning,
Multiply the effect,
Undervalue any positive utterance ,
Discount any commendable contemplation.
And all I want to do is escape.
Disappear and give up,
Start over with nothing.

Woman.
        Giver of life,
        Four the unequaled number.
        Imparting resemblance,
                Qualities,
                      And­ traits.
         Letting go to raise her own,
                 Her blood.

Teacher.
          Unselfishly offering love,
          Cultivating growth,
          Ensuing self-confidence.
          Planting the spark,
                 To empower us to dream,
                        Believe,
                         ­    And hope.
Heroine.
            Engulfing her responsibility.
            Spreading her unparalleled capabilities,
                    Her unrivaled craft.
            Guarding,
            Yet allowing her brood to experience,
                    Learn,
                         Build a life.

Model.
             Providing an outlined map,
                        An example.
             Lessons to pass down.
             Bestowing advice,
                       Answers to inquiries,
                              Keys to locks.
            Humble and understanding.

                                                            
                                                            All the while pride amplifying,
                                                                ­ To be her son, life, essence.
                                                       Her endowed features shine through,
                                                        ­       I wear them like an insignia.
                                                       ­     Unrelenting gratitude flourishes,
                                                     ­       With no foreseeable confinement.
                                             Unique, coloring a world otherwise painted gray.
                                                           ­            All along glowing.

An old friendship from years ago,
Started a legacy.
A legend of affection and devotion.
A story of family and love.

From a young companionship,
Blossomed a devotion unlike any other.
A narrative of happiness and laughter,
Of triumph and joy.

A pair,
So perfect for each other.
Compliments and balances.
Finishing each other’s sentences.

For years they have been by each other’s side,
Been each other’s stability and durability.
They have laughed and cried with each other,
All the while their adoration embedded.

Together they taught us what it means,
To be husband and wife,
To be mother and father,
To be loyal and true.

Their commitment started it all,
It grew and cultivated a family,
Spreading their passion,
And allowing love to flourish.

A model, an example,
Standing tall and genuine.
A beacon to show us the way,
Of pure and faithful love.

Showering undoubtful love.
With eyes filled of pride.
He voices admiration about us,
He embeds ambition within us.

Strong willed.
The epitome of a hard worker.
He constantly picks himself to give to us,
He wages war to support us.

The key to the past,
Reciting history about family.
He shows the importance of kinship to us,
He ingrains the significance of affinity within us.

A shoulder.
A hand.
He is a monument to stabilize us,
He is a beacon to show the way for us.

Full of laughter.
Patron of jokes.
He lights up the room for us,
He roots humor within us

A storyteller.
A dreamer.
He installs creativity within us,
He exemplifies wonder for us.

As the impact begins to settle,
As my life deviates,
Realizations set in.
A sense of clarity and desperation.

Past onslaughts of wars long believed to be won,
Begin to bridge.
I am triumphant over assaults,
But the true victor has yet to be crowned.

I must continue my weary, burdensome stride.
As long as I breathe I will challenge the assault.
As long as my heart beats I will resist the barrage.
I will not surrender to the hellion.