I miss you
And not in the same way I missed him
It doesn't hurt
I don't feel downtrodden or hopeless
I just miss you
And your company
I miss late night talks
And daily ramblings
I miss honesty
But I lost that the day I told you the truth
Funny how life works like that

I really like you
You really like me
But what is supposed to happen next
Is not meant to be

We talked once before
You asked what we were
But I denied that we were anything more

I once believed that I could give my everything to one
I tried it before
But that guy made sure we were done once I wasn't physically enough

I know you are not like him
Nothing like him at all

But I am not the first to fall

She has known you longer
She remembers the conversations and friendship you've fostered

She tells me "He's my exception."
And I respond by pushing her in your direction

How do I tell her?
That I look at you and know I'll be jealous of whoever you give your heart to?

We've been talking more
You've seen me cry which is not something I do in front of anyone that's for sure

But I'm afraid that you'll leave too
Once you find out how much I'd want to be with someone like you

I can't seem to contain myself
The more I reveal the more I want to hide
If it's too much
I don't want to imagine a life
without you

I hope I never see you again
I tell myself before I finally approach you with words
Words I've been longing to say ever since they formed
that came into being from feelings that I thought were fleeting
"I love you"
A jumbled mess comes out and I hope you heard it that one time because as much as I want to say it again, I don't think I can
I think I have premature ventricular contractions
I don't want to look up
I know this is ridiculous
I've done it before
Telling him how I feel right when he is about to move forward
You stand there
I don't know how long I can wait
and then
I hear you say

So I'm at this point
Where I don't know if I'm mad or not
Yes I've been upset
But should I even be at this place
Why is this taking so long?
I guess it's coming from lack of closure
The lingering feeling of never knowing for sure
How you feel
If you know how I felt
What 'we' was
If 'we' was real
I know I was a clingy *****
And I'm sorry
But you made your point
there's nothing that says "******* and your neediness"
Like telling me you were getting busy with school but changing that one preposition brings us closer precision to truthfulness
If we changed 'with' to 'at'
There would be no lie
No lie for you to hide behind
As much as it killed me
I got up
And I will try again
Not with you of course
That mistake isn't one I'm willing to make happen again
These are the thoughts that have clouded my mind these past few months
But as time passes
I grow stronger
Knowing I have lived without you much longer
than with
And I was okay then
And I'm okay now
And I'm going to be ok tomorrow

You're all I think about every day
Oh dear God how did I ever end up this way?
I repeat to myself, all the things you ever did say
Will I ever find the way,
the way out of this perpetual rainy day?

I cry
As I try
To go through the day as I lie
to myself because as time passes by
I can't seem to lose sight of you within a blink of an eye

Why did it have to be you?
The one I gave my heart to
It's really a shame because you already knew
What would happen between us two
Why, why does all of this have to be true?

I like you
I really like you
Or at least I think I do
I don't like the way you make me feel vulnerable
I don't like the way I feel when I know you see right through me
There have only been two people I know who have been able to do that to me
Her
And you
I haven't known you that long
I'm most likely infatuated
With your humor
Your talent
Your kindness
Your intelligence
**** you genuine human being you
When I like someone
I usually tell them
Because I didn't think about consequences then
Now?
There would be no benefit for either of us
It is pointless to even begin thinking of something more
So I'm going to be the stupid one
I'm going avoid your friendship
Your smile
Your innate sense of understanding
Because
I like you
I really like you
Or at least I think I do

The last time I told you I loved you
It was a Sunday afternoon
All I wanted was a call
But the Sunday before was when I knew
You told me to go
Never really thinking of how much it would affect me, now did you
In the 15 minutes I deduced that I wasn't enough
Now that I think about
How annoying I must have been with the constant 'I love you's
I told myself that I needed to understand that you had other things to do
Realize where I fit in your list of priorities
Out of sight, out of mind
Is this what we have come to?
I used to have a countdown, of the days until I would get to see you
To hold you to touch you to kiss you
To be
With you
I deleted it
I'm not sure what I have to look forward to with you
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