When i was a boy, i smiled.
I smiled like life was perfect, in my mind it was, because its all i ever knew. I smiled untill i grew, an as i grew bigger my smile grew smaller, doctors still havent noticed the corelation of a kid who gets more depressed as they get taller. What they dont know the taller you are the farther you fall, so i now spend some night curled in a ball wishing i was small. My doctor offered pills, but my depression is a devopment of my surroundings, the government calls it middle class poverty, where we dont have food in the fridge but of coarse the government doesnt give a **** because the class we barely fall in.. so we fall deeper into debt, having to hold our breath so we dont drown in the red.  Some days id rather be dead,  or at least gone far away but by the time Dawn comes i realize im here to stay, i have a responsibility here to watch out for my little brother and sister. And i smile as i watch them grow every day, Im also trying stay in a school i barely fit in, still broke . 17 dollars an 12 cents, the amount of money i currently have in my bank account. The worst part it is more then my parents so for the next three days i have to eat n buy gas, i know at twice the deal i can get an extra large peperonie pizza for 7 dollars and 90 cents leaving me with 9 dollars and 22 cents and its 3 dollars n 50 cents to get there n back to my sweetheart but 8 dollars for school so people wonder why the poor end up like fools the numbers just never added up. Its not our fault, so we beg and like a taunt the government offers 30 percent off tuition like its a gift dont waste it but most kids in my stand point could never taste it we are trapped.

A
D
C
B
B
B
Be correct please...
I cant stand these tests
Desighned to determine the worth of our mind.
Dont mind me im just suisidal because i got a C, plus these desks lined infront of me, im my three hour exam that took me two and a half hours of writting i took the rest of my time to count the isles,  35 then i took some time to count how many were lined in front of me 31, and with me thats 1120 desks filled with students so stressed you could cut their hope with a single breath. Now this horror scene has no bars but the crippiling debt deffinitly imprisons us. Its funny that a gymnasium can be turned to a slaughter house, maybe even a gas chamber killing hope by the masses leaving thoasands behind because they allready got their check.

Every smile is to be paid double its weight in pain, paid outright and full before intrest is gained. I escaped depressions grasps for first 12 years of my life. Someone forgot to tell me what i owe, now i dont mean to seek pitty with my tale of missery and woe. But it seems some nights the devil takes a certain interest in my crimson eliqour of life. he to just wants to see it pour from my veins flow like silk down my leg and hear me say.. nothing.. no cry for help in fear someone would notice the scars i cover with my pair of jeans. Some say its in that that i aquired such a lovely taste a hatred for myself. Others have told me to get over it, everyone feels depressed sometimes, but most nights i dont see the light my path is a foggy stormy night sailing without the stars you can not tell me its the same and im the one who should lay the blaime on myself  for letting it get this bad.

Remember when flowers and butterflys were to girly for guys to draw, so some guys practiced in their rooms curving lines to make art, blending the pencil's lead residue left on the page to create depths of endless proportion in our mind. Then came the colours, bold and bright enough to make us smile. Remember the grade school bully who saw the picture and made fun of us for it, but deep inside he was jealous. Then in high school art class we were asked to draw it and finally our time has come. We once again blend the colours and pencil lead to form the memorizing wings of the butterfly amongst the bright yellow flower. For this moment we were Picasso and Voticheli at once. We ceased the moment and claimed it as our own, we put the others in awe by the. time we were finished. For this moment we  were artist's. .

Here is a four letter word I put between Canada and I. I'm just sayin it ain't hate. Its the place i live and the reason i give my four letter word isn't just its great, sure our society is corrupted but give me a minute to explain I'm sure you'll find it's worth it. I agree Canada is far from perfect, but name a country that is. I'm saying right now if I had a choice from anywhere in the world this is still the country in which i want to live. Maybe we do need to get our ethics up to speed, but countries are killing just for the leaders they want to please. There are countries with communism that ended in oppression where if you say no to conformity they will teach you a lesson. This can be paid by death unless you can write a really fat check. People are dying and their government isn't even trying to look for their killers and it isn't us who are oil spillers in the gulf. Sure we could cut down prisons and use the tax in missions to help feed those who need but there are good people who proceed to do this please believe me when I say some of the nicest people are those who say eh, to me **** Canada is far too harsh, sure you can say **** politicians even **** religion **** segregation and **** the sexist people of the nation but don't insult the place I love as a whole cuz now you are the one who's spreading hate

There is a girl i sit behind in a class we are asked to hone our craft of writting, producing storys and tales but in my mind poetry stiill prevails, this girl has long light brown hair that flows like silk down her soft face jeweled by her big bright brown eyes that draw me in. She speaks from her heart and can captivate any reader she gives the glorious chance to glimps upon her work. Her words could move mountains with the weight of truth she uses. Still she does not see it, sadley she does not see the gold in her soul, the angelic like perfections that make up her face beauty is not worth the essence of what you trully are, for you make the stars envious with how u shine, your eyes so amazing they are like a rainbow a child sees in the sprinklers reflection to remind every man that deep down is a boy who still thinks the world is full of wonder you give me the same feeling as christmas and just like the grinch u made my heart grow three sizes bigger then nyone thought possible to the more astonishing part you ddnt just make me fall in love with you, you showed me i can love myself even with the times i grunted n growned as u made me look after my health a good nights sleep before you meant nothing, but now with you a dreamer has a reason to sleep hopeing i can see you even a second longer in my head as storys play like projector screens thinkin of the magic it would make me feel if i could only just kiss you, Your lips softly pressing against mine. The idea brings fireworks to my mental imagery, my body becomes lifted full of energy. Like the sky that was once dark and smogy is fresh again, i take a deep breath inhailing the clean air that clenses my heavy soul. I reach my hand over my cheast realizing the heart you stole. Thinkin its safer where it is cuz my hearts a wild animal and its wrong to keep it locked up behind the cage of bone being my ribs. Memories like monkey faces and tickle fights, curved with philosophy and a cold cola dwn my neck while you laugh enough to everyone stare but we diddnt care, whats highschool without silly memories, like asking bout my feet. Or convincing me to keep my dorky hair that never seems to lay flat in the back. Picking jokes at my baggy jeans, stealing sweaters but that part always made me smile thinking something of mine kept you warm, no matter if it was dark or a snow storm know im close to you. The thought of my arms around you, sometimes we might get pulled into dark thoughts, we are tested and pulled, sometimes you might think you have nothing but know you will always have me. I care so much i will never let you forget. Till the life leaves from body and i take my last breath. You are strong, you are smart, you are beautiful. THANK YOU, You made this grumpy man smile.

Today i start over
I found out im not as dumb as i once thought
I found out how early acceptance to university can bring a smile that lasts for a while
Condasending claims will now sease to darken my flame
As i will burn brighter

Each step seems lighter lifting off the ground
In my head only music sounds like i made it
**** your false odds from the same kids who stay at home all day to play COD

The hours praying to God begging to help me study and pass
The strength not to relapse and let my past be just that...
My past

Today i smile longer then i remember, today i raised the bar im not just the scary guy who fights with his fists within my words i undoubtibly exsist

Today  i thank those who helped who saw more of me then i ever dreamed possoble thank you

Drip drip drop
I watch the blood run dwn my leg then pool on the bathroom floor in one spot
Drip drip drop
I lock the door so i wont be caught
Drip drip drop
I lock the foor so i wont be stopped
Drip drip drop
I look at my leg this is for my flesh as i carve n F
Drip drip drop
This is for the ******* remarks in place i carve an A
Drip drip drop
Im done with being called an idiot accedentally so i carve an I
Drip drip drop
For everyone who called me a looser or laughed i carve an L
Drip drip drop
People who made me feel useless this is for you as i carve a U
Drip drip drop
This is for those who made me realize what i am so i carve an R
Drip drip drop
This ones for me the last letter i carve an E
Drip drip drop
I lay in the tub watching the water run red replaying FAILURE over and over in my head

lately my world has come to a halt
and i hold it all in as my own fault
change can be good but deep down I'm scared
I'm scared to think that someone could actually care

Even though I had friends and family growing up
I felt alone, hidden in my head with no one home
I made the dark hole I lay in as I thought my heart was stone, but in the end I'm the one who believed I had nothing to give

in my head I had absolutely no reason to live
but now maybe I have to let go and myself is who I have to forgive, I held hate for far to long sang one to many sad songs, maybe I have to realize that I found a place I could maybe belong

to the girls who helped me change. Thank you I owe everything even when my heart is stained.
I will try to fix the hurt I made, it's weird to think a a few hours of sleep a night 4 months ago was impossible and the possibility of me living past thirty was improbable.

3 grams of caffeine a day is no number for any human to play. the beautiful brown hair girl took it away to think I should stay.  This beautiful girl showed me I deserve to live. maybe I do have more then nothing to give

I am someone, I am more then my designers make and model I'm more then my belly or bad grammar I'm more then the bad things I see and maybe one day I think I can be happy with being me.

to that beautiful brown hair brown eyed girl I love you I'm sorry I put up a fight every night and I pray everyday to see your smile shine bright maybe one day I hope to see your right maybe one day ill actually get to hold you at night

u want more emotion, maybe im just tourchered to the point im just going through the motions praying out there i find a potion to let me relax, maybe stop the wise cracks about how im fat or how minimal the cash is i stack. or maybe the fact when i cut open my vain i just see black no crimson blood just black oozing from the cracks as if my tanned skin is a stone statue starting to crumble under the weight of self loathing. the fact of deep down id rather be a better person but it bugs me i cant afford the fancy clothing, even in our society how we hype up to the idea then it comes to play and no one seems to stay like whatever happened to kony we live amungst phoneys saying their better only to better their pride and maybe to impress a futer bride collecting money only green in there eyes envious of those that accumulate wealth but seem to be blind to those who have nothing pushin it off to someone who has more to give now tell me again wat gives u a greater right to live over the young women even children forced into *** but u need to spend ur check on a fancy rolex because ur life is complex now im not saying im better though i have been gifted with my life but in my heart i still cry everynight because were on borrowed time ive seen people distroy themselves in hate a freind in grade 9 became addicted to******* now shooting ****** in his vein his leather jacked stained skin n bones calling on the phone for his next fix my mom with her slit wrists pretending i dont exist  now is that enough emotion for u after all im still just a kid.

twelve

         If i could write a letter to my twelve your old self, i would mention the pain your about to face, with self loathing and mental health is far worse then the years before. I would mention how when you wake up wipe the sleep from your eyes and read this letter and find two people you loved gone from your life forever. When you leave your plastic car framed bed you will find an empty room in the basement. The first loss is not death but abandenment leaves no answer to the sting a heart can feel when your older sister meant to guide you has ran away.  She has left, and to what you shall soon find out, left you to your death. The second loss has less thought to the idea of why? but still i did cry. It was my great grandmothers time. Her slow pace death lead to suffering till one week to the day after i turned twelve.  Emotional asking questions why, three days later i tightened my silk tie putting on a suit and ending the night seeing the casket of one of you. To think of you as dead eased my head for a while but still have to replace my frown with a fake smile. After all i lost a sister, when i needed someone to talk you were never there. Instead i just found myself cutting and dyeing my hair.  This is the year you feel your fathers strong hand as you tremble below it. This is the year you tremble in fear this is the first year you want to die

Thirteen

      To my thirteen year old self, im sorry life doesnt get better. im sorry that this is year your parents admit they don't care.  Im sorry this is the year you hear the three words no one wants or deserves to know their pain. Even though the words "I hate you" Were uttered in vain. Im sorry no one was there to hold you in there arms, im sorry of how when looked in the mirror every morniing after you showered  telling yourself its a new day and the pain is past. Im so sorry of how you found out how long the pain really lasts. Look at what you have achieved though, this is the year you win first in all categories invited to Kick Canada to again win. You achieve a bronze as a group, silver in your weopons, and gold in kickboxing. With you feeling weighed down your still weightless, with your amazing place and the smile on your face to look in the croud hearing the aplause. Somethings missing though your parents no where to be seen. Im sorry they wernt there to say good job im sorry your dads hand still strikes strong. This is the year you say enough though, you say no and strike back your foe. He stands stunned for a minute and walks away, the bruises faded away from the surface, but inside i still see them.  It is the night of my birthday i fall asleep praying tomorow will bring a better year.

Fourteen

     Im sorry this is not the year it gets better, your father never lays another hand to your dismay doesnt matter for his and your mothers word fly freely. This is the year they make you cry, only to insult you further "your nothing, your trash" there tounges did lash me. Til  i crashed under hate to my untimly fate, your mother is sick and you walk into the room as she slashes the blade across her wrist, you watch her bleed amd scream for help but she pretends u dont exsist she  spends the next year and eight monthes in psycitric care. Left in a house with nothing fair in the air my invitation ti nationals came and past i did not go in fear of leaving my mother would effect her more vast, past her yelling at ke eberyday i walked in the light blue room with the curtains always closed filled with gloom . While my mother on her last heartstrings looked for strength from her groom . Only to be filled with hate she saw me as a reminder he exsists and how he doesnt visit but i did. I walked the long path every **** day to see my mothers face still i wasnt good enough but that is just my luck. It is my last night of this age. The house is empty amd quite but still remains okay just praying thiis new year brings joy to the now broken boy.

Fifteen

     This is not the year it gets better neither, but this os the year your mother is released. It took a week for the smiles to wear away. Then i saw once again the skin tare from her flesh. Soon hate took over the tone under her breath and malace mixed with spite is the only thing left of my mother i once knew. This is the year you once again face death, you and your mother are in a car driving counting breaths singing along to eminem, reciting robert frost. when suddenly a car passes us and my mother is crossed the mid age lady on her phone swirving around, not paying atention to anyone or anything i still see her frown. She ran a stop sighn without a thought hit by a garbage truck in front of our eyes now i know the cost of when her cellphone conversation stopped. This was the first time i watched someone die. Still shocked  my mother had to call the abulence as i and the garbage man saw the damage in case she still did breath. In the end blood filled the scene as me amd the garbage man covered the front window with a sheet to protect what is left of this womens dignity. This is the year you fond a little blue pill that not only eases your pain if snorted aslo goves you a thrill. This is the first year that you almost sucsessfully kil.l... yourself going to sleep for this living hell praying next year could be better aswell.

Sixteen

     This year is a self medicated blur, this is the year you forgot who you were. T3s replaced with perks and shots only to be soon replaced with oxys in your black box crushed and lined one at a time up your nose the powder glides. The first night you try an 80 you overdose nearly comitoce as you spew a frothy white  fluid from your mouth but my freinds saved me to this day i dnt know how called said i passed out and cant drive home so my parents could never figure out how i lay on the tiled floor back from death after this a pill is never again accepted that is your debt 2 days to your birthday that cursid day your sober but that was just babby steps and i promise little soilder babby steps you would not regret.

Seventeen

      This is the year you stopped praying for help thinking you did this to yourself i promise it wasnt you. How could it be your still just in youth. This is the year you watch your father fall. You find the trail of debt 100 thousand dollars owed mine aswell of been a million for we can barely live so how would you like us to pay it back i finfd him stealing money from my backpack. This is the year you find out your dad is the same worth of a rat and you dont have to take his crap. This is the year he snaps and instead you help him back up. He was in achoma five days as you stayed never slept jus sat beside his hospital bed praying this did not mean death. Death came in a different way with your cousin brit stabbed to death by her husband on febuary fith.. this is the year you wished you diddnt exsist.

Eighteen

     This is the year.... you found the courage to see you will always be...good and thats enough for me.

your eyes sparkle like a dimond sun, your hair flows like silk down your beautiful face, that smile even crushes even the darkest hate in my heart i want to kiss every inch of your flawless self as if i were an explorer to map the world by the points of its beauty. your words n voice soft to my ear and even past all my fears your the only one whos listened when i shed a tear

life is short but long for those cnt live it
love may build but then destroy
for when a mom is loved by her boy
then his heart is toyed with the idea of pain
filled with hate of himself for not being able to save her
but how can i
when all she wants to do is die

feels like i have no potential but must keep trying to move this mountain its assential will not be trapped like 127 hours left to live or escape and i love to much to leave it to fate my heart beats slowly and reach the point of tunmel vision hard to live when the days of pain are the ones u miss now im just trapped tryin to live

i remember days smoking cotton candy blue rollin papper j's
while always rockin my fitted cap forever tpronto blue jays
taking my last shot of golshlager
just as how robert frost iterated nothing gold can stay
14 in a deep depression my family said was just a fase they said its probibly because i dont see enough sun rays go outside today but in my mind i was trapped looking out and others laughed lookin in seperated by the impassible glass
finding little pills to snort the pain away at 14 i could allready finish n eigths of gin by now a forty at a party is only where i begin finishing more *** till the room spins on my face only n empty grin learning the joke, how could anyone love me when underneath my clothes im covered in cuts skin deep to symbolize the cracks in my soul and sanity baneith

i remember days smoking cotton candy blue rollin papper j's
while always rockin my fitted cap forever tpronto blue jays
taking my last shot of golshlager
just as how robert frost iterated nothing gold can stay
14 in a deep depression my family said was just a fase they said its probibly because i dont see enough sun rays go outside today but in my mind i was trapped looking out and others laughed lookin in seperated by the impassible glass
finding little pills to snort the pain away at 14 i could allready finish n eigths of gin by now a forty at a party is only where i begin finishing more *** till the room spins on my face only n empty grin learning the joke, how could anyone love me when underneath my clothes im covered in cuts skin deep to symbolize the cracks in my soul and sanity baneith

i'm sitting in this forsaken chair
my soul heavy as if i directly feel the people who stare
i utter to myself i do not care
but in my heart i know im lieing and its not fair
i start to weaze as i cant inhail the air
i grasp my cheast clawing the pressure i seel of the weight of those who stare
i try to scream for help but no one cares
i want out
i finally exit my mind to learn that i was always the only one there

****** comersials on your average tv

next a show about teen pregnancy

followed by todlers in tiaras dressed as prostitutes on tlc

parents blaime others for 16 year old mothers

and guys who are allready left there seed

this isnt what its supposed to be

somethings different but when have life ever been as it seems

irational thoughts leave children with adult like dreams

, such as one day ill be the one on a movie screens

makin more money then my parents have ever seen.

intangible like the concepts we hold of love

. thinkin physical prosperity is owed since birth

but the only thing that is certain we shall die and decay like all things on earth

. then to those that beleive in love it is just a dream to keep our minds from becoming caotic and obscene

formaly known as lust to me

so then theres the question is it worth it to love at all

so you must ask if the high of belonging is worth the fall?

like love is a narcotic that we are injected with at birth from the first time being held.

instantly addicted  going from good days of smiles and your feet light as air

to the moments claiming you dont care but you cant stop shaking and you pull out your once beautiful hair.

thinkin looking at the stick wondering why would you go there

why did you let him carress and touch u

why did u ever give your purity up.

he wispered sweet nothings but you could never tell,

you could of even made him wear protection but now you think of you parents n how could you live this hell

you created this child inside of you

little bump a light kick as your face turns a new

this warming glow thst would change your life

but now mommy in the tub found her knife

its been two long years since you were released
but know in my heart i could never blaime you in the least
we were a tourchured family to never find love
but this is what either dreams or hate can be made of

even when i saw your eyes roll back and the blood on the knife with your marijuana pipe so black from the residue packed
you cut till your arms were just red
then smoked enough to leave a teenage stoner in bed

i dont blaime you for either, you were hurt and you needa cope
but was tradeing the love of your ******* son worth that ****
you were my mother, supposed to hold and love me
but i found myself being yelled at thinking im just unlucky

still i guess i could of looked for love from my father
but he was to busy showing love to his two daughters
i was to dumb, couldnt sing a song, to him i ddnt belong
so you ignored my exsistance for many long years till it braught me to tears

but where are we now after i lived a long 18 years
dad look your oldest daughter left and your youngest you only hear hate underneath the tone of her breath
so i guess im all you have left to bail you out this mess you left

so now to watch over these two as if they were as delicate as children, they have only me to watch over them as my  mom bleeds and my dad cant breath the weight of debt needs to be repaid i dont know what else but you will regret how you treated me when im gone one day

momma maybye i just want you to stop with the drugs

looking everywhere just trying to find a buzz

till you look at your son amd forgot who he was

tired of goin to bed everynight to never sleep

keeping one eye open in case i have to call n emt

nearly watched you die remember that moment and i still ****** cry

so i lay with a knife to my throat livin a lie knowing i jus wanna die

so this is my last birthday song remember when i saw love in your eyes now im jus tryin to get by