memories like bullets
are firing at me from a gun
the fists fly from my mouth
as it's all turning south
my life is crashing into the sea
because there's no you and me
I'm vacuumed packed
shrink wrapped out of air
lost and alone
sinking like uranium
radiating all these manic fish
floating in this deep blue foam
screaming that it's okay
but I'm a tidal wave
trying to tear down their dawn  
and this whole world is watching
me feeling so far from so close
I can't have come this far
just to sink into earth

The sun
The rain
The ocean
The clouds

Ferocity
Passion
Love
Thought

those beautiful things
they hurt the most

they burn, dehydrate, and blind us
they flood the land, and drown our people
they carry diseases, spread blights, batter our shores
they electrify us with their crashing waves

they ****, ******, and maim
they *******, mutilate, and ****
they break, batter, and wound
they incapacitate, wrong, and hurt us
our mind, our bodies, our souls

they are malicious
they are pain
they are life

eternity
life
death
limbo
all the circles of heaven and hell
all the worms crawling in
all the worms crawling out

some go through life without a doubt
delusional, insane, the best kind of crazy

some of us
we feel
and we think
we never really know

what is wrong?
what is right?
should we even care?
what matters?

in this moment
in infinite moments
Love

matters
shine is what loves
hurt is what loves
forever is love

embrace forever
forever shall be
your enchanting misery

tangled up in flannel and dreams
dreams that fade into mmm bop
and the realization that it is tim
time to turn off the alarm
almost back asleep when pirates seep into my consciousness
snooze button
rolling over
head banging
against the wall that is
I know
I've gotta get up
I can't get down

pirates once more
out I roll
banging my knees on the bed frame
bumbling to the dresser
grabbing the 4 essential items of clothing
heading towards the shower
if they don't look good right now
well I don't care right now
because it is the morning

other girls say they want to be tall
they don't really
they want to be 5'8" or 5'9"
so that they can be skinnier or a better basketball player
or just so they can reach the top shelf
it doesn't work that way
because that isn't actually very tall
and even if you are that tall
or taller than that
your dreams won't come true
because when you are slightly above 6'0"
you can still be fat
like me
you can still be bad at basketball
like me
and even though you can reach the top shelf
you'll get hit in the head with tree branches more often
like me
but I can pick from the top of the bush
and I can change a light bulb without a ladder
and I can hold onto the ceiling while trying to do yoga
it has it's ups of course
but the downs hit harder
because it's farther to the ground

the feeling before is the worst
when I know I'm going but I can't stop
it's blurred vision fuzziness
and then bees on fire
dark and wooshing

and I'm out
for 3 minutes or 10
I can never be sure
it's like being in a pool with your eyes closed
but not wet
and I dream

the dreams are the strangest of my life
they are dreams without thought
dreams without shape
color is felt
liquid is breathed
thoughts are as solid as non-Newtonian fluids

when I wake up
I'm still in the dream
still in the dark colors and thrashing out of it
then it's cold tiredness
even if the room is as hot as my face
from the embarrassment of having people look at me
even when people are just my mom staring at me while we sit by the side of the road
best case scenario is when I'm at home in bed
it's so much worse when people are around
hitting concrete and have to be taken away on a stretcher
through a school full of kids who will be talking about that girl who fainted
when I came back every one stared and asked how I was
I didn't know how to act and I did't know what to say
but it faded like my consciousness did
until it happened again