*****
After i relapsed that was the first word i wrote
No I lie
'Why' was
***** was the first one that stayed
I made it my own piece of art, something I'm not so proud of

But when you think about it, what artist is proud of their first work
Not my first but my first in a while
Like when God created the first man
I'm sure even he still looked back and questioned if that was the best he could do
So he tried again
But we're still not perfect, are we?

Try
that's what they tell us since the day we are born
"Try to be better," "Try to get good grades," "Try to be happy"
Well I'm tried of trying
I feel like I'm getting nowhere and will never get anywhere
Like I'm on a treadmill,
no matter how fast I go or how hard i try
I will always be in the same place
That's what Depression feels like
Pain being played over and over
Trying to run away but discovering you're getting nowhere
Depression is the treadmill
No matter how fast or how far you try to run
You'll never get anywhere

Its 1:00 am on a Sunday morning,
I'm counting down the hours left till school like I'm counting down the hours i have left until my execution.
I'm on death row and not because i have committed a crime but because school feels like an execution.
The students are the executioners and my words are my crimes.
My mistakes are my trails and my fail is my death.
Everyday is my execution, as if I'm living in Hell.
I repeat each day as i go through the layers.
Their words are the knives, their laughs are the flames.
The flames are burning my skin and making me choke out the smoke in my lungs.
Everyday is an execution, their eyes are like darts, shooting into my already empty heart.
I'm on death row for my life but I'm the one who found myself too guilty to live.
My mind is burdened by the sins my thoughts have caused.
Dreaming of better places is too big a crime to back out of.
Execution is something i deserve because i have committed the greatest crime of all.
So i allow their flames and their darts.
I allow them to stab knives in my back.
I am counting down the days till school, until I find myself guilty of lying and plan my own execution.

The first thing i saw was Darkness
I was embedded in a womb, no light seeping through, i was alone.
The first loving voice i heard was yours.
Calling my name from outside the Darkness, you gave me light.
9 months later i came into this world with you as my creator.
You were, my God.
You were the one who fed me, cared for me, protected me.
I looked up to you and prayed to you as if you were the most powerful thing in the world.
Because you are.
You took something with Darkness, something without life, and made a creature of Light.
You made a creation and for that you are powerful.
For that you are my God, my Goddess, my mentor, my Mother.
You breathed life into me and many more. But you are not just my God or my Mother.
You are a Mother to many.
You are powerful.
You could move mountains if you wanted to, change the world with just a few words.
A Mother isn't just someone who creates Life.
She is someone who can take Dark and make something Light out of it.
She is beauty and mistakes.
She is a creator of love and she is powerful.
She is the reason we laugh and the reason we cry.
She is a healer of problems and pain.
Her kisses are like magical things that can heal any wound.
Her laugh is like medicine that can help stop any problem.
A Mother is powerful because,
with just a few words she can change the world.

Tied to the kitchen chair i scream your name
In the middle of a cemetery i scream your name
Because your body may be dead but your soul is not
And memories still haunt me like broken dreams
Lies you have told me
Nothings is as it seems
I keep coming back to the place where your light touches my dark
Where summer meets the frosty air of winter
But the ice melted away and all thats left are the crystals from the forever snow
You melted my stone cold heart and made it warm again
Made it feel again
And now your gone
Your light is fading and my darkness is returning
I scream your name to come save me

Justin just told me about his weekend.
He went waterboarding with his family,
the waves hitting against the sides and the water splashing on his face.
Water.
The first time Kelly went swimming she was 7 years old.
She was in a little pink bathing suit that had flowers on it.
Her father pushed her in the water and taught her how to swim.
Water.
I feel like I'm drowning in water everyday.
Water.
Is the one true purifier of this world,
It helps wash away dirt and sin.
Water.
The reason my little brother died,
Drowned in the swimming pool because the grownups weren't watching and I couldn't yet swim to save him.
I watched him try to keep up and i screamed for help but.. My voice was gone.
I was frozen.
Water freezes.
Water is the reason my brother died.
Water is the reason i cry at night,
The water slipping from my eyes while i lay in my bed.
Water.
How can it be so clean and purifying when it ripped my world apart!?
How can water be holy but yet so sinful?
I have imaginary friends that i talk to because I'm afraid to make real ones.
Afraid the water can't wash away the sins of yesterday, feeling like I don't deserve to have my sins removed.
I watched my brother die when i was 9,
His breath taken away by water.
Water,
Is just an excuse for my sins.
Because nothing can wash them away, except bourbon whiskey and a bottle of pills

In high school we learn about many things
The quadratic formula is -b +/- the square root of b^2- 4ac all over 2a
The monomer of a protein is amino acid after amino acid and so on
But what we dont learn in school is the average amount of American Veterans that are out on the street, homeless.
What we dont learn is the percentage of children and young adults who commit suicide because of bullying
There are certain things thats appropriate for school and things that aren't
For example, talking about the four different chambers to a heart doesn't explain why mine feels empty
Doesn't explain why 30% of students consider suicide at least once in their life
It doesn't tell me why little billy or Kate felt the need to end their life because they didn't feel like theirs was worth living.
We dont learn about children in need because we are taught that learning parabolas is more important.
School is more important than living a healthy life.
In school you cant talk about real life stuff like **** or depression. Girls are taught that they're *** objects who need to control what they wear instead of guys being taught that they should respect us.
Schools avoid teaching kids good morals and instead teach them how to follow everyones rules.
They take creativity out of children and give anxiety right back. They bend and twist us into how they want us to be and if we dont bend.. Theirs something wrong with us. Or theres something wrong with our parents because god forbid theres something wrong with the school system in america.
Maybe suicide rates wouldnt be so high if schools would see students as what they are.. Human beings
Not robots
Not something you can mold into whatever you want
They say if you tell a monkey and a fish to climb a tree, the fish will always sit there and wonder whats wrong with it
Because its told that if you cant do what everyone else can than whats the point?
What are you good for?
Whats your purpose if you cant do what we tell you to do?  
Why are you here!?

But of course we don't talk about this in school
Its not school appropriate.