Jeff, hey
Hey are you okay?
Jeff, take a breath
Take a few minutes it's cool
Jeff, are you cool?

May your adjustments to the furniture in the common area remain unchanged

I know!
The pattern is called "saddle blanket"
But it's subtler than most southwesternish type stuff
It's dry-clean only though
So that kind of *****
Because I usually fall asleep eating ice cream

Isn't that my lighter?
Okay whatever
No for real

May you continue in your step-mother's platinum traditions

I never really wanted to have an agent
Just one day I met this lady and she starting arranging my gigs and stuff
She gave me this kelly green handkerchief and told me to wear it in my left back pocket at all times
I have followed her orders religiously and now own more laser discs than all my friends combined

Do you know where the Trinidadian bakery is?
I'm supposed to meet the paperboy there and give him this pencil case

May the black cats of January be afraid to cross your path

These coasters look like little vinyl records
I like it when songs on a record blend together in sequence like one really long song
Sometimes I have to press "pause" and make some hot tea to stay grounded
It can be fun to give myself over completely to the music but I don't always have time for that

Did you ever watch a movie at 9am?

May the hands that you reluctantly shake be smaller and colder than your own

I can't use this cable it's a different color than all the other ones
No, uncle, really I can't use it
No, way more Can't than Won't and you know that
Please stop pretending like you've never met me before
You know I want to get this done too but we need another cloth-wrapped light brown cable
And no please don't mess with any of the presets on anything

Pony isn't here but can I take a message?

May your name feel like vaseline in the mouths of your enemies

I have been trying to socialize with more craftspeople
There are lots of color collages around here and I want to trade them for home improvement work
Like my bathroom tile is totally messed from all the cat litter
If one of my new acquaintances were able to fix it, I could give her/him a personalized wish board
I go to the bar by the lumber yard every weekday at 4:45pm with at least $8 in quarters
On full and new moons I come a little earlier and help them set up for the night

If Janky Mike comes around will you please tell him I'm just using the bookstore's payphone?

May your sons excel at binge drinking while simultaneously avoiding addiction issues

I applied for an internship at The Hunting Channel
The opportunity was pointed out to me by my aunt
I only applied for it to make her happy
She is pretty old and doesn't have any kids
She has always told me that one I should be meaner and that two I need to eat four times a day

Dark purple pony with the bright green braids you rock my world

May you be blessed by the deity of your choice

16th, 17th, 18th chapel I don't care how many of them you make
If there's no gift shop how am I supposed to remember I was ever there?
In Germany I got a mug and a spoon
In Wales, Austria, and Poland I got a spoon
They're small and made of poisonous metal but very heavy for their size
I heard from a former classmate that you can't get a spoon in Egypt they only sell forks

What do you mean you're "not a very visual person"?

May your indictment remain sealed despite the current widespread family tumult