i am willing to help you find all of
your pieces to buy you the tread
and  needle   you'll  need  once
you've gathered them     and i
promise   not to look or make
pained faces while you   put
yourself back together inthe
quiet of    y o u r  basement
bedroom   because i know
what  it means to feel like
you're missing a limb but
the ache is  coming from
somewhere          deeper
deeper                            ­
                           deeper
than you   ever could
have imagined your
chest could   sink it
is so scary to wake
up and not be sure
if your    lungs are
still  connected or
if you're going to
be able to get off
thecouchbecause
you've been too
sad to sleep  in
your  own bed
please    know
that i will not
forceyoutobe
h a p p y   or
give up your
past,     but i
will be here
if you decide
to do those things

When I was nine a boy told me I looked like a ******* the playground. I cried and beat him until my knuckles turned white. At the time, anything like a girl was deserving of two things: disrespect and objectification. I write in the past-tense in the hope that this mentality is on its way out with corsets and Truck Nutz® .

The legalization of same-*** marriage has made it so that I'm given a [somewhat] equal level of rights to that of a heterosexual, and it created an air of safety on the streets in which saying things like “******” might now be on par with the word “******”. People might start to feel more socially obliged to say sorry to me for saying it-- but not because they actually are.

For that I'm grateful, but the integration of the homosexual identity in the media is being largely focused through the male lens, and that's a problem.

The 'coming out' sports stars and picket-fence gays in shows like Modern Family completely overshadow women-- in the same way that all aspects of our society do.

I still hear that insecure nine-year-old echoing in the byzantine recesses of my twenty-something brain, “you look like a girl” and I cringe. For society to make sense of my sexuality as a male attracted to other men, I was feminized and subsequently devalued. “If you like men, you must be like a girl” and conversely the same would be applied to a lesbian, “If you like women, you must be like a boy (but probably confused and you'll change your mind, because you're a woman)”.

The problem was, that at some point, I was expected to join the cheerleading squad or football team and play with Barbies or Army figurines. I was born into a gender straight-jacket that aimed to suffocate my expression as a male into singular shade of blue, and I'm rather fond of pink.

But everyone knows that pink is the weaker and more pathetic color.

The expectations of a woman to be barefoot preparing dinner for her drunk and abusive husband has been alleviated, but there is still a monster of an elephant lurking in the kitchen.

For a movement which parades a diverse banner of colors and proclaims acceptance, therein lies the patriarchal monster rearing its head once more. For example-- Grindr, the gay male social networking app that has been all the craze. Amidst the headless torsos looking for partnership among strangers (NSA ***), the unifying demand (literally almost every profile) is masculinity.

A demand that our partners appear more physically masculine as to avoid further social isolation.  A request which directly results from the hurt of being feminized as gay men; it's a request that represents the patriarchal society which ostracized us in the first place for “being like a girl” (and I cringe once more).

Flashback to some age between nine and twenty asking myself, “What's wrong with being a girl?” Well, I suppose we could go the biological route and say that they are in fact smaller and less capable of lifting heavy things. Then we could also look at college graduation rates of females over males and scale the weight of each genders brain and figure out which is superior. (Did you know women exceed males in college education?) They do, and since they're aren't many sabertooth tigers to club over the head anymore-- men should probably pick up the pace.

Then I realized-- there is absolutely nothing wrong with being a girl, feminine or gay. There's something wrong with being a man.

Love letters to every person who has ever seen the stars as someone's freckles:

1. You were afraid to love him.  It was okay, he did not know much except for demanding what he wanted despite the word "no".
I want you knowing that you deserve better than half *** apologies and snowstorms for white blood cells.

2. She was your first girlfriend.  Her hair reminded you of your mother's curtains in the living room.  Burgundy.  
She loved you but she had to go, I bet you wish you never hung that rope in your basement.

3.  Everything was set on fire, even your lungs.  You started finding ashes everywhere but in your shoes.  Walk away
before she gives you a new meaning for saying grace.

4.  By now you've had enough of religious boys.  And Oh My God, how your hips felt like heaven.
This is all ******* and he always went to church hungover.

5. This time you've forgotten how to sleep without his breath in your ear.  I think his name was Noah or something like that.
It was ironic how he didn't have two dogs, two cats and oh yes, that's right.  He had two lovers.

6.  You went crazy with him, he was so full of water.  You thought you'd drown when he touched you, and you did.

7.  You were so pale that I thought you were dying.  This is a letter to myself to remind me to never fall in love with a boy who cares
more about putting his cigarettes out in public ashtrays than asking me how I take my coffee.
He was extra surprised to learn that I was vegan and only drank water when we sat in cafes.

this is a poem about the summer you dropped acid.
this is a poem about the summer you called me and said you loved me.
this is an insecurity.
a sweaty-palmed handshake.
a speech on something you only half believe in.
I am nothing to worship, I want you to know that I am nothing
and still want to come blow smoke in each other's mouths.
this is a poem about the girl that said she wanted to kiss you but didn't.
this is: lonely nights, big sweaters, my blurry vision, your pale face.
this is a hallucination.
I want to say-
If she kisses your lips before I do, whisper into hers that she is not the first, the last or the only.
I want to say-
If she says she doesn't understand you, show her the photograph that laughs with your mother.
I want to say-
*everyone you love will leave for California.
everyone who loves you will stay.