Recall the night we shivered the river breeze
Outside the trailer, we wore those secret smiles

On hillsides, wet grass reflected August light
Your girlfriend on a long distance phone call

We danced and screamed our favorite songs
You slept on the white kitchen tiles so gently

That was the room I knew how I loved you
But doubt and fear sank into the sunrise

Forgive me for the pieces I am missing
My mind has given omen to delusion

University air, holding her hand in the park
My eye contact is now your nightmare

So I’ll hold a hostage grudge over silly crushes
and let those smiles simmer into bitter poems

spinning around through suicidal sounds
i’m feeling my false heartbeat
and baiting boys with throat noise

i admit

i’m an irresponsible owner
of this machine i call a body
ripping down and burning the curtains
that cover the window to my sunny womanhood
spitting acid through the wind
and blaring reverse funeral music

i’m back to writing in shades of red
i’m ******* sonnets and addressing them
to wherever the hell my family’s mental health is

this year, September wrote its own bird song
and i’m using Beer Bottle Birth Control

tonight Privilege is sponsoring
my pathetic recklessness


the wind is no longer gold dust and baby teeth
instead it's shaking for my dignity

it’s two in the morning and ninety degrees

we’re gleaming on the porch
******* down the stale air
from a father’s fat cigar smoke

my best friend pinches my pupils
with her fishing wire love song
launching her secrets
like bottle rockets
through the shells of my ears
blushing blue about how
she can’t help but savor a boy
who would rather linger with birds

she leans in close
mouth still blistered from
all those bees buzzing
in her sunset breath

she said we better start living out loud
because we can binge enough  
electric currents to stay restless for a while
kissing wrists through a springtime tantrum

i tell her about all the places i go at night
boarding time machines in a split screen mind
to when we were under that pine tree
burying letters to lovers like dead bodies

she asks if i ever look forward

i said all i know is time and air

but sometimes it feels like our rotation has paused
and oxygen might seem thick enough to drown

a boy in his hat
and a big full of beer
he slept for a year
with a cross on his neck
and a heart full of fear
he'll never appear
because nothing is clear

he is water dripping in the shower drain
echoing senseless pain onto tiles
denying us the satisfaction
of setting these church pews on fire

down by the water
we never slow danced
to the same tempo
but instead wrote
each other forced notes
for a short term love scenario

dreaming of only Arizona roads
acting like he never loved the slow
burning of mountain sunlight

his purple tie lay limp below his ears
he'll never appear
because nothing is clear

that’s her. the patron saint of gluing words together with chewed pieces of gum. feeding the public with consumable bites of confusion. saint dipped in jewel tone yellow. consistently writing notes to what she believes in. blessed and consecrated into siren lights. crows feet dragging along the sides of scrap metal. a cartoon closet with the inability to settle. fisherman’s sweaters that owe the intended man a blistered *******. black night gown thrown out an open window. velvet second skin rubbing the walls of mountain homes. the patron saint of birthday candle wax blowing through strips of hair. scaring away bits of violet holy air.

the cherub in the corner ******* on bits of blonde boy’s fingertips. she prances numb toes over bike spokes. wings are tattooed on her back to combat numerical rebellion. logic climbs spine as she tries to change lenses. her sunset tilted on its axis. renaissance painting on fragile ceiling tiles in public bathrooms. garden party with one flower to examine. eyes vacant as to avoid witnessing rebellion. little crane holding paper organs in place. bodies of water pushed into vacant sacred space. sleeping close to statues and warming brass within. the cherub angel floats above all girls with silly sin.

the apostle tied to few words. a ghost for a mother and piece of machinery for a father. exhuming quartz from 3rd degree burns. a smile painted on a German Shepard. thrift shop candy born because of ***** quarters. heels grinding coffee grounds and unbelievable pearls from an ungraceful mouth. spitting up fishhooks into fat tire beer. the apostle staring through crosses for a year. wiping down windows with the horizon’s morning breath. pouring peroxide onto ignorant mumble of wealth and egotistical evidence.

the dove predictably flies in upper atmosphere to avoid being seen. squeezing through sharp pieces of mosaic, evading gendered fantasy. birds eye view with potential to burn. landing on rocks watching serenity waste by. most absent parade. mourning in front of an uncertain feeling’s grave. without action there is nothing there to shame. animal comrades using up his skill of throwing wires to wind and sparkling in fields. ukulele vibration uncomfortably close to ski slopes. exhausted idealism underneath of secret thunder skies and metal tube lies.

the temptation from hell’s revived angel. her fall ungracefully surpassing earth’s quivering rotation. blood reborn with rocks for teeth. soft skin easily ripped during the denial of immoral needs. bubbling rapids sailed over with caution, weighing clothes wet as a reminder. favorite songs played forward and backward. promise of vengeful bulbs lighting autumn’s vivid memories. old prose inserted into the fat of your syntax, catching and toying with the rats in your mind.  demon angel not as red in old light.

Looking down is dirt
and up is salvation

but what is this layer
where we dabbble in poison
along with the rainfall

I look to my left
to experience the
epitome of feminine
and to the right
a boy whose shoes
are tied tighter than
the knot locking up his chest
suppressing emotion's stress

but what about the one
whose mother loves Mary's  
reflection in the sun
while his birds fly above
and summon a song
we chose not to title

They would rather see him
become an animal
than paint on lipstick
and love another man
shifting identity ***** up their plan

If we picture the universe
and all its ringing layers
spread wide with eternal ashes
we do not understand

and then we see a stump
raw bleeding facts about the death of a tree
I know that their layers are the same
circling melodies forever played

Maybe everything is stuck on
the ring of a circle expanding with time
but love is not linear
we label these layers with our crass syntax
with love, place, race, and sexuality
when really our DNA
is just tiny a rotation

tops spinning until the lights turn off

he started the night
wiping beer sweat
down the wooden
paneled insulation
swallowing his hair
out of fear
that the girl he loves
has a body that's here
but a mind that's
been buried under
tin cans full of desire
we used to admire
him when he chose
to swing from the tree
limbs into oblivion
snorting the fall leaves
in through his skin
his helping hand
was glued to the
door that jealousy
continued to open
and close as fast
as she could scream
for privacy and yet
he was forgiven
in the morning
he laid on leather
shame and she found
herself above the grave
floating through
apparitions of
blonde hair as
white as a hospital curse
she never saw him burst
but maybe that wasn't him
it must have been
insecurity personified
into a little boy
with a lit candle stick
and a girl who never
learned that she is
allowed to jump
without the shame of
plaid skirts that handicap
the brain until its grey
but its fine

all is forgiven
i heard that violence goes away
but never does sin