The smell of rain makes itself at home, complimenting the silence that has filled the room.
Nothing to hear but the rush of traffic and my own steady breath.
I find myself thinking of the curve of your lips, revealing a smile I had known all too well
better than the smell of rain

My branches thrive with livelihood
strong, they sway with the winds of reason
sturdy, they stand as they are gazed upon in awe
proud, I present my leaves; my most prized accomplishments

but buried deep, I hide away my roots
My roots: I carry shame
My roots: I hold secrets
My beginning, my foundation
Without I am nothing
Buried so deep in soil that I did not ask to be planted in
I try to enclose the ugly truth behind my beautiful branches

As the sun rises, so does my curiosity
I live in a world of complexity
With each free second my mind races with questions I cannot yet answer
With each unanswered question, the monster festers within me, itching for certainty in an ever changing world:
He spits

What can you do to leave here better than you found it?
What if you aren't cut out for college?
What if you aren't smart enough?
What if What if What if
What is your purpose?
What does the future hold for you?
When will you be enough?
When did you stop being enough?
When will you give up?
What's keeping you here?
Why are you sad?
Why isn't anyone else sad?
Why aren't you like everyone else?
Why Why Why

Some days I fill each second
muffling the monster
Some nights I pray the sun won't rise

I look back at the plump yet radiant beauty in my rearview mirror
Bright green eyes gleaming with the thought of adventure, of the future
I look back to find a simple kind of pretty:
a touch of mascara, freshly washed hair still dripping at the tips
I look back at the road, gripping the steering wheel as i grit my teeth to the sound of her laugh
I punch the gas
With every mile placed strategically between us, an empty pit within me grows with vastness: deeper, into a dark abyss
i shove her memory deep
until there's just the sunken eyes in the rearview mirror
coated with black, masking their true identity
eyes back on the road
I think to myself,
"How did I wind up here?"