A heart that is so scarred,
It no longer feels.
A mind that is so overwhelmed,
It no longer thinks.
Is this what I have become?
A mindless,
Expressionless,
Emotionless,
Girl?
Life feels dull
Not even black and white
just
mute.
No pain or hurt,
I have suppressed it so much
None of it exists to me
anymore.
I could careless
about anyone else
right now.
I would rather just float
through the scenes
of the rest of my life than
make an effort
to change what will
inevitably happen.
I want to throw a lot of it away.
Throw it into the wind
And not even watch
as the things i had once
worked hard for
disappear.
I don't give a ****
about anything
anymore.

Sometimes I feel this tugging at my heart.

It's weird cause I haven't felt anything in a while.

I hate that tugging.

I know it's trying to revive itself,

but I don't want it to.

Whenever I come across a memory

It jumps,

as if its trying to say

"Remember? Remember?"

I lie and tell it

"No, now shut up."

It's just better if it remains silent.

Of course it doesn't get that

Nope there it is

Jumping.

Tugging.

Can't you see I am lifeless?

Of course not

the heart doesn't have eyes

Unfortunately.

I don't understand why  it is so difficult now
When before it might not have been easy
but it by far was never this bad
I can't hear the whisper anymore
I don't know if I ever will again
Why can't I wake myself up?
I haven't cried in a long time
I haven't truly expressed any type of emotion
except for anger
in a long time
I don't remember myself anymore
I miss a lot of things
If I knew back then
what I was going to be like now
I would run like hell
and try to change a lot of things
Someone once asked a question
"What are some regrets that you live with?"
This is what I would answer with...
I regret the day that I didn't ride my bike anymore.
I regret the day I started wearing make up.
I regret the day i straightened my hair.
I regret the day I didn't wear my retainers.
I regret the day I stopped playing sports.
I regret the day I stopped swimming.
I regret the day I stopped doing gymnastics.
I regret the day I stopped being a kid.
I regret the day my Grandma died and I realized I knew nothing about her.
I regret the day my Grandpa died and I never got to tell him how much I love him.
I regret the days I took for gran-it when I could talk to my mom face to face
I regret the day that I didn't be a little nicer to my brothers.
I regret the day I didn't live up to being the Youth leader I should have been
I regret the day that I decided I wasn't good enough
I regret the day I couldn't look in the mirror and not hate myself.
I regret the day I boxed up my emotions.
I regret the day that I let society take who I was.
I regret the day where I no longer felt important.
I regret the day that I ran away from everything.
I regret the day that I told myself "there is no turning back"
I regret the day that I lost a friend.
I regret the day where I became angry.
I regret the day where I saw my friends turning and there was nothing I could do.
I regret the day the world fell upon my shoulders.
There are so many regrets.
Far more then just this short list.
I'm in a moment of life
where things never seem to get any better.
There are still the same unsolved problems as yesterday
and life still doesn't get any easier.
The best I can do for now,
Is smile,
and pretend like nothing really matters

Just words

These are just words.
A storm in the distance 
Advancing with rage 
Escalating in time 
Take the power away.
Just words.
High pitch shriek 
Piercing ears 
Traveling the connection 
Between head and heart
These are just words
Spitting out the mouth 
Tornados
Harmless breathe
Butterfly wings flap
Lethal turning.
Just words
Beauty that seems to fly 
from angry hands
Beat the things 
Only supernaturally touched
These are just words
Hurled in a corner 
Knees to chest 
Just words
Raging war 
Settling scores
These are just words
Tearing like paper 
Childhood taken
Just words
Target set to ****
Bullet bursting 
These are just Words!
Rivers flowing 
Shame imploding 
Just words.
Regret for tomorrow 
Can't take back what stains 
These are just words
Memories flicker
Weight upon the shoulders
Just words
Empty, 
lifeless 
These are just words
Nothing that can come to cut the heart
To chain the soul.
Destroy the life.
Just words
Repeat, 
repeat
These are just words.......

How are you not to be damaged,
When the one that you think is supposed to love,
Doesn't really love you.
I mean it feels like there is supposed to be some sort of unwritten rule somewhere
That states if you have a a kid you must love them.
I'm not just talking about muttering those three little words.
That can be scribbled on paper, or typed in an email.
I'm talking about a deep rooted, carved in your heart, can be felt from across the world, no mistaking, pure and sacrificial love.
Tangible love, seen, and felt, and heard.
No I don't need money from you.
I would prefer to feel like I'm worth knowing
Rather than the feeling of my forgiveness being bought.
See how am I supposed to feel that others in life will like me,
If my own parent doesn't care to even know me.
Yes the world is a wonderful place and I understand the feeling of being caged.
So wouldn't it have been better in the beginning if you had never even made the effort?
So that when you decided that the world was worth more 
and that I was just an anchor to a place you didn't care for.
Wouldn't it have been easier for me,
Instead of feeling like I was a piece of trash tossed over your shoulder missing the waste basket because you didn't even care to look as you threw it.
Not even put in a rightful place, left to wonder is it something I did wrong?
Only to grow up and find out it was much worse
it wasn't anything I did, it is the simple fact that I wasn't enough.
Wasn't enough for you, to much work to wipe off my ***** face.
Wasn't enough for you to pick up and kiss the ****** knee that I scrapped.
Wasn't enough for you to watch me as I grew, to give me advice on making life's toughest decisions.
Wasn't enough for you to see that although it was good for you to escape the cage from which you felt confined to, 
you didn't realize that I had followed you in, and on your way out without so much as a backwards glance, you locked me in.
Maybe I got it wrong.
Maybe there shouldn't be some unwritten rule that makes you love your children.
Because there shouldn't be anything that makes you love.
Maybe I just need to realize that some people are loved and others just aren't.
Some people are capable of loving.
Some are only capable of hurting those who have a twisted look on life 
Thinking that by just being someone's own flesh and blood qualifies to being loved.
Only to be taught the truth.
It doesn't.