It seems like forever since
i have found true happiness.

It feels like a spark within
me has vanished.

I am not what i used to be

a once carefree, crazy-spirited
girl

Turned into an uncontrollable mess
of binging, purging, hunger, anxiety, unworthiness
and anger

i feel like i am never good enough
or ever good at anything

everybody looks down on me
                        i am nothing in their eyes.

just the eyes of a child
fixed
seeking its place
in a meadow
of flowers
fixed on the horizon
out to sea

steep climb
yet I want to sit in that storm with you
in the eye of it all

sitting with Mimi-meouw and biscottis
and mind .... so far away...

the heart
one more line
closer to the sky



S T, 30 June 2013

I am nothing,
And that's okay.

your feet are falling apart again,
let me grab a new sole
for you, old soul,
sooth you down into your new low;
let me miss you and kiss you
in my head
because that’s what the books have led us to believe,
pity the painter who has to grieve.

you painted Death from the palette in your palm
as you looked up from your hospital bed calm
and delighted, but you’ve lost this fight tonight
darling.

When I say that I didn't get much sleep last night,
I mean that I spent seven hours in my bed
Thinking about the way that the morning light
might play off of your skin
And the way that you would shift and snuffle
into the mattress at my first nudge
And my light breath would be against the nape
of your neck,
Breathing in your contentedness
and how happy the sun is
To be warming your shoulders up as you wake.

So no, I didn't get much sleep last night.


  *"I think I'm falling asleep
   but then all that it means is
   I'll always be dreaming of
   you."

The soft padding of my running feet,
Rhythmically ran at a hypnotic beat.
My legs moved smoothly, forward and back
Propelling me faster, across the race track.

A quick glance behind showed that I was in lead,
While the rest of the group tried to quicken their speed.
I focused my run, tried to steady my pace,
I’d a long ways to go, had a long run to race.

When all of a sudden I spotted near my side,
A quick paced runner, with a long-legged stride.
He smiled at me like he’d already won,
Yet he looked really happy, like this was great fun!

I smoldered inside cause I had to win,
Not some dumb idiot with a stupid looking grin!
I ran ever faster and soon was ahead,
Yet the long-legged runner just laughed and then sped.
And once again he was in lead of the group,
My body felt exhausted and I started to droop.

This wasn’t fair; I had to get past him!
Though my lungs were burning and my eyesight was dim.
I barely even noticed when he ran o’er the line,
To win the race, which should have been mine.

I realized with a start as I gasped for air,
That though he’d won the race I didn’t even care.
What mattered was that the race had been fun,
And now it was over, now it was done.

The thought made me smile put a laugh to my lips,
While I opened my water container and took a few sips.
It wasn’t about competing; I didn’t care if he’d won,
All that really mattered was that I'd had fun!

did you see the storm last night

he was beautiful and destructive

and his fury calmed my face

and illuminated me

with the theatrical light and wonder

and fear

that was there too

did you see him

the way he danced

and teased and destroyed

how he bent down the trees

and ravaged my hair

and caused the tears

and joys

did you see how far away he was

how close he got

how pathetic it was when he left

they cleaned up the mess

but dont worry

he'll come back again

did you see the strom last night

well i didnt

i miss him

with my wretched goodnights sleep.

i feel
but you do not

i am
but you are not