I am tainted by my own devices.
A tripping, flickering light.
An exhausting breath,
All I want, evermore.

I'm frozen in headlights
As a thawing summer sets in.
A feeling I had forgotten
But has since tethered to me again.

A thousand pounds of silence
Are ringing through me.
They hum the questions,
And beg your answers.

All for what?
The sake of guilt,
The ache of thrill,
The sweat of conversation.

I am brave and foolish, all the same.

I have the worst of "sleep schedules" -
If you can even call it that.

I think it started with MTV playing videos late at night
And a fear to miss anything in which I could claim my involvement.

My father has been banging from below for years
But I can't help but know I was destined to die
With rings around my eyes,
And none on my hands.

A ten and some change
On the bureau,
Tomorrow's haircut or bad choice.
And she's in one of those moods
On about how she has to be up by noon.

I've been trying to change
Somethings about me,
How I'm staying up late
And making you think I'm too dependent.

Well, I guess I've always been a gapeseed
It's part of the reason my father and I don't speak
And I can tell when I've become a burden,
It's like a sick sixth-sense I was birthed with

When this is over
There's a song I won't be able to hear the same way.
When this is over
There's a shirt that I won't be able to wear.
When this is over
There are certain things I will never tell another person.

When I find that void,
A slumber or shower will be all to suffice.
There was unspoken certainty of our demise.

I stopped myself short a number of times,
Knowing the anxiety it would bring.
The most important thing I could say,
Wouldn't make this any easier.

After all, I've never known what's good for me.

Beyond the measure,
There was rose.
I peeked.
When you moved to brush your hair.
Inside, I applaud the excuse to exit the room.

But I lain;
Third floor, Galena.
A place holder of Summer's filth.
I wanted to break down
For everything I had lost and gained up until that point.

Now towards the window,
There were rows
When I peaked.
To the brim with truest doubts in fist.
"I guess this is how it boils down."

And through rose ash, suffused,
Crack a smile.
He lacked the merit you hoped,
To just find fault.

I stood between the distance of a year.
Just to feel the dissipation of what
You weren't willing to part with.

Crown Royal made us feel like kings
Do you still swallow your courage?
Tell me a story.
Like the time when nobody was funny,
But a ******* riot, all the same.

My best friend had a daughter.
I think the mom left to be a stripper or something.
Four years changes a lot of things.
He's not my best friend now.

I'm living every day like I just got bad news.
Everyone I meet is like "What's wrong?
It used to be a novelty when you joked about suicide.
Now I don't think you should be driving a car."

Like, what did I ever do?
Hollow threats are the best I can nudge into a conversation.
Unless you know where to get help, don't ******* speak.

She doesn't answer her phone anymore.
Things got weird
After I tried to explain why
A Modest Mouse song was about me.
Crazy thing is, I don't even believe that.

Crazy thing is, I don't even believe anything.

Crown Royal makes me feel like the court jester now.