When men like me I feel as though I am made worthy of praise
When women like me, I feel like I just came home after a long day
When men look at me, I feel like an object of desire, an accomplishment I can tick off my list
When women look at me, I feel relaxed, I feel free to be unbuttoned
Yet when I dress it is like my whole being is performing for the male gaze, the hyper-feminine touches: the curves, the cutouts and the pink blush on my cheeks
I need to be wanted but I want to be at ease

I am the most exciting person in a room and simultaneously i am invisible
The space feels too tight to fit me now
I shrink myself for these rooms and for others I expand myself to be bigger, brighter, smarter
I am already a light in the dark but you feel the need to throw lighter fluid onto me

Nobody ever talks about a specific type of loneliness.
The type that isn’t caused by self-esteem issues.
Not where you think you’re ugly or unlovable or unworthy.
But the type where despite knowing you’re worthy, you feel numb, empty, devoid
Of the capacity to love back, in a romantic, vulnerable, open, throw your whole heart and soul into it type of way.
The way you would imagine your best friend deserves to be loved