The apples he left
on the granite counter
tasted like stone,
like rock,
and you swallowed them
as such
because they tasted

like earth and pain,
and you wouldn't have
to see them,
deep red,
cupped in the palms
of your hands.

The word "abortion"
dropped off her tongue
like a pin
into the rustle of papers and trivialities
so important
that they were shouted to one another
from across the classroom.

There was nothing to say.
There was nothing to say.
We sat in the corner,
solemn white paper cut-outs
with too much to think about,
taking notes
on embryo's
(of all things).

**** Biology class,
we talked about the line
where, when crossed
became ******.
I remembered last year,
when her voice stripped down
the layers between life
and death,
tattooed "******"
in red ink
to any form of escape,
and knew in her mind

there was no line.

She was
O.K, she said.
The worst was psychology,
when he told them
that a fetus
dreams.

i was awake
at the wrong time last night.
i saw your body walking in the rain
a thousand shadows dragged behind
on a chain of lust.
there were teeth behind your lips
and you bared them at me, soundlessly
fury on your tongue like a poison
you were aching to spit
but hadn't words to describe.

two tylenol and a vitamin d
the next morning i woke to find
you had killed me without any great regret.
what a sickness. last week we sat on the couch
and you got up to make popcorn,
asked me about trivial things
like butter and salt
and the weather tomorrow

i guess you thought that you loved me
but i can't see how.
you blamed me for what, for everything?
there was nothing wrong with your life
if you wanted snow my dear,
all you had to do was wait

you began to speak impatiently.
it was my fault, listening without answering
anyone would be tired of my silence

but lately there haven't
been words for these moments
and when i hear your voice
i cant think what to say.
it's all these conflicting emotions,
i've been twisted up inside.

when the sound of your voice stops
the silence takes long strides towards us.
it settles in
casually, as if it belongs here
and i let it,
sit it down, and offer it tea

the look in your eyes as you wait for me
to speak
is my revenge,
petty as it may be, and my pride dwells somewhere
between my clenched teeth
and the back of my throat

i want to wish for revenge
but i can't
because i want to be everything
you are not

so i cannot be vengeful
and i cannot be driven by hatefulness
or the intent
to cause others misery, because i hate you
and that's what you'd do
and that's what you've done
and that's what fueled this disease
to begin with

i want you to hurt
i want you to bleed the same way as i
with blood that's thin
with skepticism at the pain that refuses
to see itself physically

i want you to wake up one day
and see how alone you are
i want you to wake up
and see how miserable you are
i want you to wake up
and see your paper castle
disappear

you wore the clothes i wanted to see you in
and so i kissed you on the lips
let you smell the mint that
my stick of gum had left
on my breathe

the world approved of our relationship
i loved you so i took you to the movies
i paid for your ticket
and i held your hand.
i wanted more of you
but the world wouldn't let me take it

i didn't know what i wanted
you gave me what i asked for
what is love
what was our love

i wanted more of you
i was unsure which parts
you could do without
i didnt want pieces
i wanted you all
i wanted to steal you from them;
the world.
they were my enemy.
you were mine alone.

market youself;
wear the clothes you want them
to see you in,

pierce the right places
for the right look,

say the things that
you want them to hear
hair.face.makeup.expression.
let them know what to expect,
yaknow, make sure they see 'you'
while you dont let them see you,
and struggle to be yourself
while you **** yourself
and you market yourself
and you sell off yourself

what a world i live in;
it's highschool
but ****'s the same all the way through
nobody cares about the right things
they're too busy
buying and selling;
the human stock market

i've got friends, not customers
so i guess i'm broke,
i might just
have to go through the right pains
for the right reasons
cause i'm not killing myself that way
i;m pain free in a society that trades
with beauty as currency

integrity and all the rest
come as a sort of afterthought

what happened to our teachers?
they are locked in our schools
they tell us maths, they sleep in bed
at 9 o'clock at night
while we crack open
our bottles
behind closed doors
and cheer