From a young age,
When I was small,
I believed that I
Wasn't good enough.

I pick up the dart
I feel it in my hand,
I feel the first whisperings
As I go to release.

Nothing I did
Was good enough.
I tried so hard proving otherwise,
Only for it to end in failure.
Every **** time.

The twang of the dart
As it hits the wall, not the board
Feels like physical pain in my body.
The whisperings grow louder.

It's no wonder I failed
When I never really believed
That the result would be anything else.

My body starts to freeze
Not with cold
But with the understanding
That nothing ever changes
And nothing ever will.

This frozen form
It helped me survive,
And it kept me safe.
Time stands still, thoughts freeze
Before they can turn into breathless panic.
My overly tuned protector is trying to save me
From threats that are no longer real.

I breathe in.
I breathe out.
I move first my toes,
And then my hands.
I am safe here.
I bring my arm up, ready to throw,
And I release my next dart.

The truth is
That happiness
Is the hardest swallow to pill

I watch the world turn
From inside my warm blankets
A hearty meal inside my belly
Paired with a deep red glass
Of falling to my knees
Desperate, for something more

A pill can solve many things
But it can't solve this loneliness
It can't heal the aches and scars
With a feeling all to fleeting
All to swift

You can't cage happiness
Inside your hands
It'll only peck and stab.
Don't grind it's bones
Into soft white dust
And snort it out the back.

Love the Swallow as it is,
For its fleeting, shining joy.
It'll come back again,
It will come back.
I promise.

I am so good at squishing down my anger
Into a tiny ball of nothingness
That I don't notice myself
Squishing it down
All the time

And it's swallowed
And transformed
By fear and guilt and shame

Little interactions- they are my fault
Tension and frustration- they are mine
Poor situations, bad decisions, the mess
I'm in-
I am both the victim and the perpetrator.

The anger-shame burns my body
Inside out
Muscles are tense
Arms are tense
Panic floods
As it all bursts forward
In an outward force

I'm no stranger
To the full body feelings.
The overwhelming urges
To die

But I've heard my father throw up
Wretched heaving
The morning after finding out
My brother killed himself.

These urges are so strong
The hopelessness so intense
Real physical agony
Not just inside my head

But I saw my mother break
Into a thousand tiny pieces
And she never managed to put them all
Back together

And inside I know
How it felt to have your mind
Destroyed by a single sentence:
'Your brother's dead'.

I fell to the floor
And my wretched sobs
Tore out of my lungs
After hours of sitting vigil
Hoping for him to come home.

He looked back at me that day
Looking pained and pleading
And I didn't know
I didn't know.

When the girl sees as far
As the birds fly the coast
How can she stay steady
And grounded

Sense of self will crumble
Into a sense of senselessness
As she senses all the other senses around her

How can someone hold onto their own truth
When everyone else's are much too loud
And drown out the sweet quiet inner voice
Singing the melody of the self

I am buffeted by the force
Of what others may think and feel
Of how they think and feel
The flicker of my own self
Threatens to die out
Constantly

The gradual fear
Builds and builds
And wears and tears
Until the point at which
My breathing rasps
My body is frozen.

All these little fears
About the chaos
About the unknown
All out of my control

And yet
It is infact
My fear
Of how I'll react
That haunts me

I am so scared of myself.
I take a bite of my frozen panic
(And it tasted like lemon sorbet)

Look here!
Look at this!
Right here!

Here you will find what you are looking for!
I promise the answers are all here
Just stay here
And breathe
And remember
This is what you're here for.