It's taken a while to get here
It's taken quite a lot
All the turbulence and turmoil;
The plane draws closer
To its resting spot

Let's dance under the heat
Let's drink and laugh once more
It's time for a celebration
It's time to greet the dawn

Today we march along the dust
Along paths long forgotten
The maps enigma is becoming clearer
As we march along

Ancient sandstone structures
Rise beneath the sand
Cherished, neglected
Unknown and yet
When a hand is placed
Upon the stone
It all feels familiar.

So take a brush
And slowly move
Away the years of sand
Gently,
Carefully,
As not to let it crumble
Away beneath your hands.

Years of dust,
Years of debris
Years of damage.
Beneath it all I find myself
Piece by joyful piece.

Am I getting better?
I cry as
I feel my heart pounding
I hear my thoughts tangling
Well aware that what I'm thinking is
Just a result of my pain.
I know I don't believe this
But how can you shout at
The storm
When the wind steals
Your breath
And all that's left is noise.
Pressure.
Pain.

Do I hold myself away
In my metal shell
Comfortable
But unchanging
Watching the people go by
From inside
Moving but sitting still.
Or do I open myself up
To painful
Excruciating growth
Knowing in myself
I'm not really meant for this world
I'm not really designed for this life
I don't really fit here

I have so much to give
I want to learn
I want to know why
And that very sense of self
Is a sharp and bruising pain
In every uncertainty
In every doubt.
It's my fault.

The soft sweet life can not grow
If it doesn't feel the burn of the sun
If it doesn't feel the thirst of dry land

Will these challenges
Help me grow?
Or twist and warp me?

I open myself up
I take the leap
Out and away from that metal cage
And into the unknown
Knowing
I don't really belong here

You present clear skies
That upon closer observation
Are riddled with fog and clouds
This static that occurs
Little jolts deep in my guts
It's my fault
The skies were clear after all

The sun shines
And the days are warm
When you smile at me and laugh
Everything is going well

How many times will it take
For me to learn that it never lasts?
That the gust of guilt and shame
As the winds stir up again
Will always return?

How many times will I ignore
The cool changes
The subtle remarks
That wear away the deepest parts of myself?

Each time I realise
The clouds in my mind are yours
I will push back
I will get stronger
I won't be blown around again.

Imagine waking up one day
And slowly realising
That things you thought were 'normal'
Are not what they seemed.

I feel the soil crumbling beneath my feet.
I grab onto a root to steady myself
But that begins to slip between my fingers

My sense of self worth
Is defined by what is normal
And what is expected.
When I don't achieve this consistently,
I fall apart.

I grab onto a branch.
The bark is scraping my hands,
Tearing at my skin
While I try to hold myself steady.

I have always felt I was broken.
Strange.
A monster.
I thought this was normal.

My hands are torn
My muscles are burning
As my feet fail to find purchase.

I can't hold on any more,
I can't be who I should be
Who I want to be
Anymore.

Maybe it's time
To let go
And embrace myself.
I'm not broken,
Or a failure.
I'm just different
I'm enough.

I loosen the branches
My tightly held beliefs
Softened and soothed.
I untangle the roots
My shame, my past
No longer holding me back.
I take a breathe, and
I let go.

Weightless,
For a moment
I fall.

My hope and dreams
Stretch and unfurl.
I glide.

And finally,
My heart filled
With warmth
And love,
I soar.