daydreamer

daydreamer 5d

I'm not stranger
To the full body feeling
The overwhelming urges
To die

But I've heard my father throw up
Wretched heaving
The morning after finding out
My brother killed himself.

These urges are so strong
The hopelessness so intense
Real physical agony
Not just inside my head

But I saw my mother break
Into a thousand tiny pieces
And she never managed to put them all
Back together

And inside I know
How it felt to have your mind
Destroyed by a single sentence:
'Your brother's dead'.

I fell to the floor
And my wretched sobs
Tore out of my lungs
After hours of sitting vigil
Hoping for him to come home.

He looked back at me that day
Looking pained and pleading
And I didn't know
I didn't know.

daydreamer May 21

A dying flame

When the girl sees as far
As the birds fly the coast
How can she stay steady
And grounded

Sense of self will crumble
Into a sense of senselessness
As she senses all the other senses around her

How can someone hold onto their own truth
When everyone else's are much too loud
And drown out the sweet quiet inner voice
Singing the melody of the self

I am buffeted by the force
Of what others may think and feel
Of how they think and feel
The flicker of my own self
Threatens to die out
Constantly

daydreamer May 21

brain freeze

The gradual fear
Builds and builds
And wears and tears
Until the point at which
My breathing rasps
My body is frozen.

All these little fears
About the chaos
About the unknown
All out of my control

And yet
It is infact
My fear
Of how I'll react
That haunts me

I am so scared of myself.
I take a bite of my frozen panic
(And it tasted like lemon sorbet)

daydreamer May 7

Here!

Look here!
Look at this!
Right here!

Here you will find what you are looking for!
I promise the answers are all here
Just stay here
And breathe
And remember
This is what you're here for.

daydreamer May 6

Ash Upon the Wind

Watch.
Watch as all you have believed
Becomes ashes in your hand
To be blown away
At the faintest breath

The fire roaring
At the moment of ecstasy
Reduced
To nothing more than ash.

What will you do?
When life's embers
Have died out in your heart
Will you remember me?
Spare a thought for the past long forgotten?
I once was your light
Love, compassion, freedom
Spurned by fear and anger
The flames of hatred burned ever brighter
Cast within the shadows of your heart.

You turned away from the voice inside yourself
And now it is too far gone
I
Am too far gone.
And all thats left is ash upon the wind.

daydreamer Mar 29

Are the lenses a lie?

How do you deal with the fact
That
Everything you think and feel
Is affected by a lens?
How are you ever supposed
To know the truth
When everything is tinted and warped?

A lens for love.
A lens for acceptance.
A lens for trauma.
A lens for despair.

How do I trust myself
When a tinted lens
Colours every situation
In shades of lies
And I don't always know
they are there?

I keep pushing these lenses away
To reveal more and more
I can't make my way
To the truth.
I feel lost in a sickening kaleidoscope
Lights fragmenting
My sense of self.

But maybe the truth isn't so easily seperated
From the lenses we all see.
Maybe truth itself is multicoloured,
Dynamic
Personal.
All we can do is try our best
To see each other's hues.

daydreamer Mar 29

Familiar Discoveries

It's taken a while to get here
It's taken quite a lot
All the turbulence and turmoil;
The plane draws closer
To its resting spot

Let's dance under the heat
Let's drink and laugh once more
It's time for a celebration
It's time to greet the dawn

Today we march along the dust
Along paths long forgotten
The maps enigma is becoming clearer
As we march along

Ancient sandstone structures
Rise beneath the sand
Cherished, neglected
Unknown and yet
When a hand is placed
Upon the stone
It all feels familiar.

So take a brush
And slowly move
Away the years of sand
Gently,
Carefully,
As not to let it crumble
Away beneath your hands.

Years of dust,
Years of debris
Years of damage.
Beneath it all I find myself
Piece by joyful piece.