Flimsy, flouncy little nightie
Which doth cling e'er so tightly
To your pendulous, saggy ****
And your smelly hairy bits
Keeping all just out of sight
Through the hours of the night
Covering things so unsightly
Thank god for that little nightie

I don’t care what
the experts say,

sleep is such
elusive prey,

except when I’m at
work. But hey…

…can’t sleep at
night, so I crash in
the day.

Laudable, fine, upstanding folk.  
Year on year they shoulder the yolk.
Illustrious and kind,
Noble and refined,
Genial, with no wish to provoke.

Sincere as sincere as can be.
Honest – well, as honest as me.
Intelligent and witty,
Trustworthy and gritty.
Shame all this is pure fantasy.

Morning; I awake
with stiffness in my
lank legs.
Yesterdays long run
has taken its toll
on my
ungrateful, ageing
body.

Announcing your arrival
in a high-pitch buzzing-tone.
As a tactic for survival,
you're seldom on your own.

Red lumps display where you have been.
Often felt, though rarely seen.

But if I catch a glimpse of you,
my little vampire chum,
I'll make sure you get what you're due,
and squash you with my thumb!

half his age
and nearly twice his
height
pretty as a picture
but none too bright

he loves her open
arms (and legs) –
his “****”
spread-eagled on his
sports-car’s bonnet

she likes him for
his open mind and
open heart
but most of all –
his open wallet

she intends to stick
with him through
thick and thicker
and is most
“concerned” about
his dodgy ticker

I’d love to sing proud and sing loud
But I’m embarrassed I might draw a crowd
So in public I’m dour
Though I sing in the shower
It’s the only time singing loud is allowed