well
yesterday


you wiped my slate clean
i was reborn.
baptized


in a lake of sweat and happiness and tears.
mostly
your tears.

my ducts have been dry for days,
for days
days.
i had forgotten how to cry.
i turned myself off from feelings

to save myself from the pain of losing him.
but i still feel it.
little pangs, here and there.

and i hope you understand, because i can't help it.
i can't remember the last time i felt something other than content

when did i last feel pain?
mourning
grieving is hard work
and i'm too lazy to be sad about
anything, really.

i want something to tear my lips off
and pluck out my eyelashes

or run over my kneecaps with a truck

so i can feel connected to my own pain.


like i used to be
when i was 13
and suicidal

but at least i was human

Today, I wear nothing.
I strip away the hot heavy
shoes, the tights that constrict
my airway. My underwear, lacy
and uncomfortable and unseen by
everyone but me.
My deepest darkest most sacred secret
is held down
            slipping between my legs is
my moist wet womanhood
not stopped by any obstacle
and you try to touch me there
on my pink love button,
touching it
to understand a different part
of me that you wouldn't have
been able to see otherwise.
I keep it hidden.
it comes out
when they come off


Release

I see a boy who is stuck
with cement blocks on his feet
locked up inside his own body and mind
but the key is on the other side

there’s a postman walking by
he sees the boy through a window
he wonders to himself Why is he trapped?
but more than that How can I help?

the postman walks by every day
bringing him bread and something to drink
he doesn’t realize that this boy
is a prisoner of himself

a little girl rides her bike past him each day
she taps on the window and asks
why do you stand here alone?
doesn’t anybody want you?

the boy stares blankly
she gives him a flower
she says Some day you’ll be loved
but you need to get out by yourself

one day the bread and the water stop coming
the little girl has moved away
the familiar squeak of her bicycle has vanished
and the flower is wilting in his hand

he stands by the window
waiting for someone
and the girl’s words ring in his ears
nobody can help you now

he doesn’t move
he only cries
he drinks himself to sleep at night
with cement blocks on his feet

some time has passed
the girl, now a woman and the postman return
and pass the window
to see a tombstone where the boy used to be

Its hard to every think
What has been is now gone
All the plans that we've discussed
Are skewed and forlorn
My surroundings are blurred
By the burning of my tears
Wish it would all vanquish
Wish it would all disappear
Only momentarily does the pain fade away
Because today is the last day
Of you and me

Every song changes meaning
Vehicles make me tear
Every where I'm looking
Reminds me of my aching
Mind wonders constantly
Of what has been and whats to be
Never thought their would be an end
To you and me

here's the thing
about self mutilation



it kills me
slowly softly

gives me what i need


and here's the thing about self mutilation


the red neediness
the cold pane from windows

raining outside
raining inside



i'm covered in it


i'm covered in red
red covering


my red
smeared


across my eyelids

dripping from the scar tissue
and scars to be made,
this year


and next year and next year


yes.

self mutilation
how I've missed you

You deserve pain
But all you get is pleasure
It only brings you pain
Because you know you don't deserve better
Your life is lie
A treacherous scandal
You don't have anyone to grip
Nothing to help you handle
You can charm your way in and out of any situation
Make anyone fall under your devious temptation
Your mind is full of memories
You wish you didn't make
You wish you changed your life
Wish you didn't become such a fake
Your drugs are your life
Its what you've become
Nothing more than lifeless
Nothing more than numb
But on the outside
You appear normal
And in your state of mind,its nothing paranormal
And deep in your soul, the truth of who you are
You know what you have done
And nothing now
Can change what you've become
Behind who people think you are
Your nothing but a loser
A man that could have been
What many never get to be

Possibility is the killer
Its the force that will destroy me
My worst enemy
Shes looking right at me
I see it and I believe it
and it makes sense
Logical in these weary eyes
Could I step out and concur this world
The answer is definite
The truth; solitary I am bound
Greatness lies within these eyes
Doubt in every mirror
Do it tonight
Conquer this decimate land
But these weary eyes see all angles
Widening and constricting
Disturbing my perceptions
I'll close these eyes
Just for tonight
Over whelmed with the possibility

My mind is racing around and around
Restless, never stopping
Sleep is just a dream.
But a dream is all I desire.
Because dreams come with sleep and sleep is what I need.
I lay awake, my mind spinning with vivid irrelevancies.
Creating Pictures in my mind like a painter with fresh canvas.
But these are not peaceful images
Scattered, wild, chaotic creations
I lay awake waiting for sleep or the inevitable morning.