It might have been simplest to end it before it began but we are well past that point.

And we could have gotten out before anyone gets hurt but that prospect is at best unlikely.

Perhaps we can still get out of this alive...

You could argue it was a mistake to meet your parents...

It would have been simpler to not fall in love...

But here we are...

We might as well hold on...

There's a lot of thought that goes into three simple words.
You learn them when you are young but the gravity of using them correctly haunts you into adulthood.
In english these are words that you would use to describe a parent or a tree and the meaning doesn't really change but the weight these words hold are different now than they were when you meant then towards a relative or an inanimate object.

you love her... and the scary thing is this idea that she might love you too. and that scares the hell out of you because you have thought you have loved in the past but those other loves have all proven how shallow they truly were and yet you choose to use those same words again to express these new feelings.

Feelings so profound that you swear that this time this is the real deal that you have never felt to intensely about anything before and you think that you never will feel anything so intense ever again. but somewhere there is just enough room for doubt.

maybe you have flelt this before in a more pure and potent form but you take a leap of faith in hopes that while it may not be today but one day you'll know that this is the genuine article...

But yeah maybe it's not... and that scares you but a holy man once told you that without faith love cannot be known and so you believe as hard as you can that this is love... the same love that drove romeo and juliet to their untimely demises and broke kingdoms long before their times...

You don't want this to be a lie... you want to love her with all of your heart... and yeah it'll be hard to do that... but you can do it... keep trying...

ya know, despite everything I think we are doing okay now. Nevertheless we had a rough couple of years... well I know I did.

you know, we were just so ****** young back then and it made all the sense in the world that we would just break up and go our separate ways because the alternative would have been difficult. I remembered you disagreed with me. But my actions were super logical and they made sense I needed to make something out of myself... and you were unable to come with me due to our respective circumstances.

Can you imagine that I had the nerve to think I was being the noble one for leaving. For letting you have your life while I go off and try and get mine in order. I suppose if you met someone and were happy then I suppose that was accomplished... I really hope that is the case... But in truth i was not being noble. I was being this guy that I to some extent still am, the guy that gave up on the person that hands down made me happier than I have ever been before or since...because... I didn't believe that I deserved happiness... not like that...

I am definitely getting my stuff together finally, I'm about to graduate pretty soon with my degree in psychology and hopefully that leads to further degrees and a good job with some benefits and a house and a life that brings me and many others around me happiness...

But even still I know on some level that the driving factor behind everything I do is to prove to myself that I can become a man that deserves you...

So in some bittersweet way I write this to say... Thank You...you made me everything I am today

I guess it would be easier to go through life with zero regrets but some things are worth regretting. We sincerely try our best to keep from making the same mistake over and over again... but our mistakes never really leave us do they?

I guess that would be just too easy if we could just move on. perhaps then I wouldn't dwell on the past mistakes that mean more to me than they mean to anyone else. Maybe I would return to feet and stop begging forgiveness from a person that has since forgotten my name and everything my name once meant. It's starting to make sense that I never needed her forgiveness I just needed to forgive myself.

Perhaps I can let go of the resentment I held for the only one that I let get close enough to matter and in return she became the only one I would let hurt me. I think holding this guard up against anyone who tries to get close just leaves me alone at the end of the day.

I suppose it's a tad late to fix a lot of things that I myself have broken... such is life. but I guess I'm getting to a point in which trying to be a better person isn't terrifying... not saying I am ready to become that better person... but I think I'm getting there...

A song I liked a long time ago was talking about how no one believes in cupid but the easter bunny and santa claus are totally legit and i think it's true because in the face of all of these other abstract concepts love is i think the one we doubt more than any other...

many people asked me over many years what i look for in a woman... and it took a very long time but i figured it out... and i don't have a list of traits but i have developed a mental image of what she would be like...and i knew i had it figured out because i fell head over heels for this girl that is in my mind... i wake up and she is who i think about constantly... people tell me you don't control who you fall in love with... but all i was asking is that she be real...

there aren't any super human traits about her she just has her own thing she is self aware to the extent that she sees her own flaws and tries to become a better person despite those flaws... never once covering them up  but wearing them proudly as a symbol of the life she has led... and i fell in love with her pride... because any conceited mouth breather can show pride in their successes but only she breathes a new life into her failures and makes them shine brighter than any light, natural or otherwise... she is very much human... and she don't even have to have a big *****... just something nice and well proportioned to her body...

i don't know... if i met her...i think that would be it for me... no second questions about it... there'd be no fight i could put up against the fact that i would fall irrevocably in love with her...

It was very kind of you to ask how I am holding up all things considered...

The short answer is that I am okay.

I do not hunger nor do I have thirst... I am warm...and other than the usual aches and discomfort that we all experience I am not in pain...

I have been okay for a very long time it's kind of my way of knowing that I am in that sweet spot of homeostasis I think that's why I ended up leaving because I couldn't remember  being anything other than simply okay...

I don't think I want to be okay...

You remember those adventures we used to have together and you'd always have these crazy ideas that you just needed to hash out...

And I was always there...

In part because I wanted to make sure you were okay but I think a much bigger part of me enjoyed those days so much more because while you were out there living life and occasionally getting hurt but loving every minute of it...

And I felt like part of it...

We kind of grew apart...

The adventures stopped...

And I guess we grew up a little somewhere in that time as well...

Became our own people...

And that was necessary...
    
And the process went okay...
          
And I turned out okay...

I made new friends and they became happy and I tried to be happy and I started dating again and I thought I had it figured out this time but I was just okay with a smile. and then I was looking at her smile and she was happy because of my smile but I wasn't happy...

I was just okay...

But she was happy as far as I could tell and I wanted to protect her happiness because I wanted her to be happy so I kept smiling... and I felt like a liar every time but the truth seemed so wrong... all that mattered was that she was happy

I wanted nothing more than for her to remain happy...

And then I didn't...

And then I left...

So yeah the short answer is that I'm okay...but that ain't the whole story...

I love you...

i wanted to say these words not because i meant them because i am actually not sure what they mean but more because it has been so long since i have said them to anyone...

even now the words sound wrong coming off my lips but i needed to say it none the less because on some level i was sure if i didn't say it now that i would soon forget how to say it at all...

and at the time i know it wasn't true but the will to add truth to these words is very real and honest because i do very much want to love you...

i just hope that it is within my power to actually love you... and mean it...

It’s been so long since I’ve felt this way about anything… and I think I’ve needed this for longer than I care to admit. I thought it was fine that I didn’t feel like I do now but I really just don’t want this to end. For the first time since… before I can remember maybe even longer than that I feel like I have something worth devoting my life to and this sense of purpose feels amazing, exhilarating even….
Now I realize 2 things, first and foremost, as I am close to overstating is that this is better than anything I have ever experienced. Second, sadly you don’t feel the same way… and that hurts. But that’s fine I cannot force you to feel the same emotions that I feel. Furthermore this pain I feel from a love unrequited is significant, it burns in my chest in the most beautiful crimson and at times I fear it will take my life… I feel it could, but the fact that it hasn’t shows it’s benevolent nature.  Yes this benevolent beautiful burning ******* crimson pain born of these feelings I still hold for you. This is life! It may not be pleasant but I can’t say that there is anything better than this. This complex tapestry of emotions… rage sorrow and regret all raise a hand when the role is called and they are very much present… they are presents and they are ******* up every aspect of my Christmas… it’s beautiful how trashed this holiday season has become and with love I will clean up this disaster… regardless of if you are there to see this projects completion…

Lately I have been over taken by a strange urge to high five a sloth. In truth I cannot explain this              
     at least with any sense of legitimacy.

I just feel like it needs to happen.

     When it does it will be like me building a bridge.

Across species?
     Maybe a class or phylum?
           I have not taken biology so i don't know jack about this hierarchy of life business.

          
          
I also feel like sloths can teach us more than we can teach them
     Like our lives are so fast paced
           like a race and we are struggling to get to a finish line
                   That doesn't exist...

Sloths are like slow the **** down...
     It'll be okay...
          You'll get there...
                 I promise.

I kinda think i need that in my life.
     A person...
          or a sloth...
               to just tell me it'll be alright.

I try and be that for so many other people
      But I'm constantly losing my ****
          on the inside.

Like most of the time
     I'm fine
          I can manage life

But that fear of dying
      alone
          unloved
               It's always there
                    In the back of my mind

That can get the upper hand if my guard is down...
     That **** scares me...

It's an irrational fear
     I know that  I am loved by many
            I got buckets of love in this *****
                  makin the Cosby's blush with all this love.

But still this emptiness persist...
     like i am incomplete on some level
          Like i have to fix myself

But I know on a conscious level that..
     I am enough.

But on some other level
     I don't fully believe this...
          And I need someone to tell me this...
               I need to highfive a sloth...

I think I am bad at writing poetry...
unless poems can be a literal retelling of past events...
add a bit more colorful language and some metaphors...
composition books so littered with past events in such painstaking detail
that historians may reference them so learn of our time.
this should probably be a blog...bye

We're done here i cannot carry you around with me anymore...

At least not like this...

Not in the form of guilt for tearing us apart so long ago...

For making you cry...

I need to let this go...

Even if it has been the only way we can be together...

Probably why i held onto this for so long...

But this needs to end...

Today...

This is the second time i've said this to you...

Dejavu...

These things called haiku's...
Feel a bit too restricting...
Dont think I'll write em...

seriously though
these things are too difficult
how would you write one

quality i mean
i'm sure it would be lacking
so what is the point...

i mean i could just
break my sentences into
tiny little chunks

that abide by the
five seven five formula
but that seems silly...

skip it...I'm bored now
i  think I'll go look inside my
refrigerator

Who the hell do you think you are? Just waltzing in like Jesus forgiving people all ***** nilly! I wronged you... I broke your heart... i remember that day when i left. you were fairly well composed... i wouldn't dishonor you by saying you begged or anything... but i know you cried! i was there!!! you know how hard it was to leave anyways!!! We were going in opposite directions i knew it was the best thing to do for both of us... i was leaving for college. you were still to be in highschool for 3 more years...i couldnt make you wait for me...it was a sound decision... and so i left... it needed to be done...and then distance...i put geographic miles between us because i loved you i tore out my own heart for you!

and all i needed from you in return was for you to hate me...was that really so unreasonable...i mean i broke your heart some time ago... is a little disdain too much to ask... i mean i can deal with a person hating me for what ever reason... but you simply understand why i left and forgive me... i mean time heals all wounds but **** a little residual dislike? maybe even a if given the option i wouldn't share a meal with this person...this is *******...

i mean...i close my eyes and i still see you crying... and i caused a great deal of those tears...and i haven't really decided to forgive myself for those tears... and in an effort to somewhat make up for what i did... i apologize... and you just say apology accepted...

Know what... nope... acceptance of apology not accepted... and i full realize that this is my not forgiving myself more than anything... making my apology kind of pointless...and yeah i get that until i can forgive myself every relationship i have will ultimately fail... but generally speaking... you have to remain mad at me... and ******* for even attempting to move on...now go and think about what you've done and i'll apologize later...

Ha!!! startling self realizations aside... i sure showed her!

I have never been a man of many words.

That is you would not call me by any stretch of the imagination bombastic. Nor would you refer to me as long- winded. I try to be as concise as possible.

I feel that most people have a select few adjective to describe themselves.

Personally chatty, diffuse, discursive,flatulent, loquatious, palaverous, pleonastic, prolix nor verbose would be on this list.

My words are not ample aplenty bounteous bountiful generous plenteous plentiful profuse or super abundant.

And when i make a speech it is not oratorical or overblown...

I am not pompous...I try to be as consise as possible.

she was like an angel laying there next to me on this bed that is far too small for the both of us

it almost begs closeness and we obliged...  we had a great day and this was a perfect end or as perfect as it could possibly be...

we saw a man while we were out... wounded veteran and i felt bad for him... i debated in my mind if he was asking for change so he could change his situation 35 cents at a time or if he just wanted a beer... it mattered none to me so i gave him enough for that beer if he so desired it...after all... he lost his arm presumably protecting me...he deserves a beer...

but now i lay here thinking that i want my 4 dollars back...because if he were in my situation his arm wouldn't be asleep it would simply be gone... meanwhile i may soon lose my own arm...

perfection is not attainable... and i must not disturb the sleeping angel...

The funk hangs around with paint splattered overalls and a cigarette at 3 in the morning and thinks their day
has already been long but is far from over                    

The funk never even heard of the concept of a linear train of thought… the funk is often misunderstood…

The funk does not subscribe to you or your preconceived notions of how things should be… and more than that you can’t live without the funk…

The funk has no idea what they’re doing… but they know it’ll turn into something beautiful  with enough effort…

The funk is beautiful…

The funk sticks out in a room…

The funk sees beauty separate from function…

The funk realizes that they are not functional…

The funk does not care the funk is doing his or her own thing…

The funk sees life through funky eyes... perhaps the funk will show you what they perceive through those eyes

The funk inspires the functional…

We were terrible together...

I mean we were comically bad together...

Probably the worst couple ever...

Remember your 18th birthday party...

I got you that stuffed creature with those ***** eyes you like...

Never mind that it was a representation of the ****** virus...

We laughed about that...

And then when we got back to school the following week...

And rumor got around that i gave you ****** for your birthday...

Which was technically true...

We thought we'd never live the embarrassment down...

But we did...

Together...

We were truly terrible together...

I should have known better...

I should have known better than to think you would be the same girl i fell in love with so long ago...
Some of the most basic texts for an an intro biology class could have told me that each and every one of
the cells that make up the human body die and regenerate...

Most of which do so in less than a year...

So why am i so surprised to find that all that was you died in the years since we last spoke...

Even still you stand and speak with her voice...

You even remember me...

But you are nothing more than a clone of that woman i loved back then...

So here i am a man that firmly believes in the laws and rules that govern the world we live in attacked and brought to his knees by that one little speck of an idealist that lived somewhere in my soul at some point...

All because foolishly i believed that biology was a secondary force when put up against the intangible

things that make this cold and lonely life worth living...

I thought our love could survive...

This time it took for both of us to become entirely different people was too much for out love to bear...

You are not her...

Even if you have her face...even if you have that smile...

Even if you have those eyes that pierce the soul that i didn't even know existed until you showed it to me...

And what's worse is that now you show me that in no way am i the same person i once was either...