i am just an 8 year old boy
dressed up in church clothes
grass stains on knees, of course
food stains on tie and shoulders, of course
in 1998

you are my 9 year old sister
and i am sitting in a live oak tree
with a slingshot
and a ****-eating grin
against a cheekful of
big chew bubblegum
and you're gossiping
with your friends
you are wearing a
likely sundress
and a necklace that
i will eventually pawn
for 50 dollars

i snuck out
of grown-up church
15 minutes early

i hid the slingshot
here last night

i spent yesterday before
anyone was awake before
the sun had unleashed
her magic on the sky
sharpening my vision
perfecting my aim
feeling the shot
i did 45 jumping jacks
like in phys ed class

and i knew why
i had done these things

it's because i'm jealous
it's because you're perfect
it's because you love me
even when i don't deserve it
it's because you're beautiful
and everyone knows it
it's because i love you too
even though i rarely show it

wrapped up in aluminum foil
head resting on cracked concrete
surrounded by winking lights
and blinking eyes
warmth from the glow of humility
basking in the rays of a two dollar toaster
cardboard dwelling and trashbag scenery
paper towel t-shirt, styrofoam socks
salt and pepper lunchtime
pedastal reconstruction
hot coffee burnt tongue
peanut allergy and poisoned water
locked cabinet, rotting condiments inside an unplugged refrigerator
dying romance read only in magazines
purple heart scrawled on my arm
syringe full of bourbon plunged directly in my eye.

hi, how are you today?
i've broken every bone in my hand
writing you this letter
i've hidden away every past mistake
in the cushions of your puke green sofa
every broken promise from an ingrained diety
coffee cups and cutlery that i keep
as monument to one night spent with you
a thousand killing smiles and a hundred stolen kisses
i bend my knees and take a shot of clarity
the outline of dreams and IOUs
the place where awkward belongs
the sign of recovery hides in a dimly lit alley
***** and hungry and lonely and desperate.

I have been buried in a flowering sofa
I have been buried in punk rock guitar
I was swimming in a sea of orange juice
I wish I believed in unicorns and innocence
I wish my roots ran deeper
I was ******* us over in the middle of November
I was in way over my head
I have a cramp in my side-stomach
I have terrible sleeping habits
I have been carried by prophets up hills of redemption and
I have spent Sunday afternoons with ****** in basements
I have spent days huddled around burning xmas trees
I have a mind that suggests disease, and is riddled with laughter
I have drifted directionless on an autumn breeze
I have prayed to the gods of ***, before and after
I have been tossed about on shapeshifting seas.

there is a ****** on a street corner in a long white jacket
i have descended into a red velvet basement
i have kissed the new generation of buttocks, eyes & tender *******
there is a slow black river flowing under a soft gray bridge
and i have kissed the mist
mob of penguins hands out ecstasy
i slipped ******* into space needle
i cut a white line through puffy sky with a razor's edge
i rode a flaming bicycle through the center of your heart
1000 hands clap in simultaneous ******
i touched my finger to my forehead salute
i touched the hurricane with lighning bolt
i touched your revolution with intention
i touched your trembling hand with reassurance
i touched your shaking head with my soft wet heart

i was a simple grain of sand
on a beach
but i did not get caught up in your sandal.

i was a shining star in the sky
but i did not fall
and you did not wish upon me.

i was two hands outstretched
but you did not run to me
and i did not hold you tight.

i was a crumpled newspaper
wrapped up in a homeless man
but you did not find warmth in me
and you did not give me your extra change.

i was half a bottle of bourbon
that you've been staring at for days
and now you drink me in,
and now i'm in your mouth.

i was a pair of transplanted eyeballs,
if only you could see the way i do.