Some mornings you wake up, you see the sunshine, you breathe in that first deep breath of life, that first bit of a new day. You may smell coffee brewing, hiss, hiss, gurgle, in your shiny coffee ***.  
Some days you look out at the horizon, not afraid of what the day holds because in that moment you're happy, and alive, and free, and nothing but the warm rays of curious sun beat upon your face pulling, holding, caressing, welcoming you. "You're alive, love." it says to you. You've been reborn as you will be many more times from here on. Wake up to the jolt of life that's been brought upon you.  
Some mornings you wake up, you see the sunshine, and you hold your hand up to shield your eyes from the harsh beams of light blasting you, tossing you, yanking you into reality because you've been in darkness for hours which turn into days, which turn to weeks, which turn to months, which turn to years, and your new born eyes can't take the intensity.  
This was my morning. This was my shocking ascent from darkness but instead of welcoming sun, life, love, hope, happiness, this light illuminated my wasteland; my fears, my regrets, my demons. This morning I had my back turned as he drove away. A man who is my brother whom, though still here, I ignore. Why? Why did I do that? Just one simple turn of my head, one single motion and I would have known that he was still here, that I was still alive, and happy, and hopeful, and, well...  
This morning was emptier than ever, and cold too. My life was/is upside down, and inside out, and sideways, and front ways, and slant ways, and back ways. All direction was lost and disorientation consumed me and I was nothing and nothingness was all there was.  
Some mornings you wake up, and that's it. You're just there and with no guidance and left alone, only yourself to push yourself, to pull yourself, to throw yourself forward or in reverse or jump up and down screaming "I am living but I am so dead and numb, and, well..."  
This morning I was that and more. I was empty yet full of all the hate, all the regret, all the sorrow, and wallowing in it. And though I write this short of breath, and wet eyed, and lump in throat, I can't cry. I can't scream loud enough for anyone but me to take it in, to hold it in and to have it, nurture it, give it life as it gave me life, it is my life. All the things I swore I let go of, that I was sure was in my past, is still here; still breathing, and starved, and hungry from my neglect of its acknowledgement. "I am zen. I am one. I am whole. I am alive." I told myself; but lies come wrapped with pretty ribbons and taste so sweet when you first hear them, when you first mutter them, and when you think you've gotten away with it all.  
I am not okay in this morning where the rays of sun are like stray bullets not meant for me and yet only for me, and totally meant to give me breath, and life, and hope, and freedom, and, well...  
"Maybe it's just the change of season. Yeah it's definitely that. Everything will be okay. These bad feelings will go away and leave me alone forever and tomorrow's sun will breathe deep into me and make me warm, and lift me up, and, and I can't keep doing this."  
Honesty comes in pill bottles and razor blades and coping mechanisms. It's dishonesty's ugly brother. It's reality and pain and darkness, and blindness, kicking, screaming, cutting you down until your final breaths are wasted wondering out loud "How did things come to this?" And no amount of drugs, no amount of cigarettes will dull this pain, and pull it, throw it, push it out leaving you empty, and open, and bleeding, and so exposed.  
This is how I felt this morning when I first cleared my lungs of all the smoke, all the anxiety, all the anger, and sorrow. I was, in that moment, full of dread, lost of all hope, angry, empty, hopeless, and, well...  
No, I am not okay; despite the smile on my face and the rise in my voice I am still fighting back tears and struggling to keep from breaking down, and screaming, and crying, and hating everything and yet nothing but myself.  
I am not okay, I am the tin man, rusty, creaky, falling to pieces; but still, I oil my rusty joints in hope of an easier day and that things will look up soon, that the clouds will be lifted, that I will wake up and all of this will just be a dream; that today is cloudy, and rainy, and cold, and that tomorrow I will wake up to the sun kissing me, pulling me, holding me, and loving me.

Two bodies held by the gentle hands of passion
Legs entwined in a dance of sin
Fingers roaming unexplored places
breath warming soft skin
Dusk's kiss of nostalgic light bleeds softly into the room
The evening is so still, but in this place bodies move
Love spilled all over and held inside, tightly
Intimacy is only a word

Peering through darkness
Blue eyes lock with mine
I see lips forming words through the intricate swirls of smoke
Their meaning lost in all the noise
Music so loud, so sweet, so familiar it invades my body easily
I move with you, towards you, for you
Now move for me
Let these vibrations pull the strings
Just let the music take full control
Bedroom eyes look into me
So that I may catch a glimpse of what the night entails
you pull me into your place
Clothes flying through the air in haste
Fingers exploring, lips touching, ******* tongues, hips in motion
Residual influence of the music's possession over us
This feels so real but it's like I'm dreaming
Hips swinging back and forth and taking me in deeper to your core
Nothing has ever felt so inviting like this
The night's still young but I'm not done and I'm still numb from pure ecstasy
I'm out of breath and feel your ******* pressed against my chest
Just one more time
Push
Pull
Don't
Stop
Keep
Going
I'm
Tensing up
Building up to
Sweet release
God, baby I'm home
Coming down and relaxing back into cool soaked sheets
I hope to do this all again some time
Don't keep me waiting
Please don't keep me waiting too long

What lies before me is a broken promise
I held so tightly to the precious fragments
What hope was left was tossed upon the dying
Every empty word I speak will **** what's left inside
I'm such a beautiful liar
I fall in love with my own delusions
My personal deception is gorgeously executed
I savor every word as it desensitizes me
I like to mask the bitter taste of reality with the sweetness of my lies
I question life every hour of my existence
I live as though I'll some day wake up from this all
When I close my eyes I think I see my purpose
If I reach far enough I can feel what's left behind
I'll fade away
And feed on my deceit
I must sacrifice all I use to cope

I woke up this morning possessed by a feeling
Like some quick fleeting memory, maybe words muttered long ago
I can't quite place it but it held me in that moment
The sunrise beating through, projected on the back wall
Shining into me and purifying me
I still can't shake this feeling that I've been right here before
That in the past this same sunrise filled me full of life
As the sun creeps above the tree tops I'm taken by the sense of nostalgia
My mind races through the past trying to locate the memory that reminds me of this moment
But too quickly my thoughts begin to fade
The sun has breached the border of the tree tops and the skyline, and so, has swept me from my daydream
Just like sand slipping through my fingers this feeling and these memories begin to fade away
I wish i could describe this feeling

You always were pretty sad; face buried in your journal in hopes that someone would find you mysterious, and interesting, and would want to approach you; to talk to you. You thought that you mattered enough for people to actually give a **** about you. You were so innocent and naive then. You had dreams, fantasies, urges to talk to girls, make friends, but you never did. You were too afraid of rejection. That's when I was in my infancy. I was feeding off of everything you did or didn't do. You're so lucky to have found me

There was a time before all of this, though. There was a time before me, and before you made a drastic change. Something died inside you. I saw it happen. It was ***** and beaten and then left alone to die. I saw that last ounce of hope, convulsing in pain on the floor before me, drowning in its own blood. It looked up to me but there was nothing for me to do. So I left it there. I needed to watch something in you die.

I've been watching you for some time now, It just took you a while to notice me. I couldn't be the first to make a move, it was always up to you to find me. I remember when you first opened your eyes. They were clouded with tears and you were so fearful. You had only just seen the light for a brief moment and already wanted so badly to run away. But, I held you there. I held you so tightly and refused to let you run away from it like you had run away from so many things in your past. You were such a coward. I was going to change that.

It was warm and damp outside when you first noticed me. I had started to remind you of all of your flaws and even pointed out a few things you'd never noticed before. It was rather interesting, the way you reacted. You broke out in a cool sweat and you should have seen your face. Once you came to the realization that you're everything you never wanted to be, there was nothing left but for me to carry your *** the rest of the way. There was a lot of work to be done.