I dreamt you again
last night
glittering between curled
toes in
vanquished depths
your ease tripped me
(and does still)

I dreamt waking
to find you in the corner
of my eye the lost
prophet, love
it was all black
berries & that
threshold waltz

Once surrender now
to anything I burn
my eyes awake
banishing your smell &
taste abandoned for
the reality
the nod
& unsaid words.

order
such a slow thing
drains
In memory
there are times when
composite
composed
energy expended in
small exhalations
quick lovers breath
or tiny mother's kisses
even placid
bills paid
promises kept
thoughts     finished
and then
the crawl back
to warmth
and functionality
once its all
been bled
and the sigh is long
and empty
eyes rolling
depleted
and searching
for the relevance of
THAT when
the working when
before life was a grey sky
and motivation
the still wet pavement
that mirrors it

room
to room
reflections of
   youth
   the set of
things a timid under-
standing   this womanish
   body
   reverberates
the lie like sun
shine on water

domesticity   close to
home   a slick casing
left  as the pulsing
breathing thing moves
on

I'll decorate anyway
the hollow
where I dwell  and see
slivers of memory
in every picture
hung

My Mother's face beams
pixilated
and irreverent thoughts flood
my brain
gazing down
my legs         too long
my ******* too large
his smile is a symphony
before fire and rage
and I, I am
sanguine, just behind
the deceit and pain of
her protrusive smile

My shoulders are too wide, bear
too much     These eyes know
far more than hers
from a distance -
could be alive
and so could she
not as now - no, I cannot
fathom that
but as was - captured
flickering
like my memory of her
before it all went wrong

I search     reluctant
for what small glimpses the
machine might offer
Her name here, not mine
anymore but another’s settles
lead through my veins
screaming       NO
wrong
so gone that this picture
is foreign could be
prepackaged in frames for
convenient selling

I know his
grin as my own
and that sweater was
my favorite
but is foreign too as my
thighs and toes and trailing smoke
are to her
But beaming, I yearn
for what I cannot have
forsaken
with one hand   while I clawed
out my heart with the other

still bleeding for you
my dear Mother

Is it worthy? I asked
and truly meant - I
of such broad company
such grace in unsaid meaning and
interpreted thought
like scent on breeze, I am     reminded
of childhood aspirations
sponge like and decadent
to question
challenge
behold (en)
translucent
my id
in pigtails, hand upstretched to the
cookie jar
gleeful.

I blink - No.
I am Woman now
or so I should be
and stare, transfixed on the tile
eyes s l i d i n g s e e i n g ...
I remember what this feels like
I do - but the pen pauses
falters
Oh! the giving was so easy then
an abundant fountain
pure sweet
lilac & moss and then

No.
anger red heat rolling through
my gut
seared through
steaming memory -
this cannot be
scorched earth
baked clay, and my fingers will not
caress sweet soil when
scentless rock endears
nothing to me.
The recurring silence
had driven me to
apathy...

Yet now the air thins
I remember
the tangible
am I ready to give?
crouched low to the ground
give me
strength
wisdom
energy - to rise,
heat broils sweat in my eyes
or are they tears? -
flex, uncurl these fists to
mighty weapons of infinite power
and rise
heavy, leaden
with depth & purpose
so exposed
but divine with sweet understanding
complex thought
dusty breath caught - paused
and the liquid sky simmers above the
haze and filth
I reach
heat like honesty lashing at
my vision & thought
the deep pulse - heartbeat
ashes
at my feet

pause, inevitable.

so close!
fluorescent silhouettes
draw doubt
It cannot be
I’m not ready
to give
where is that innocent joy?
beyond double meanings
deliberate
unintentional
cruel device
eyes of steel - unblinking, omnipotent

I covet my prose
-a secret clutched to my heart,
hoarding it like gems
like desire and lust
to give
these thoughts ink
and substance
the ground keeps me close

I blink.

am blinded in the heat
of such fervent need
for release
beginning, rebirth
I remember how this feels
so sweet and pure
the need is
intoxicating
spun sugar
silver moonlight
on an ocean of
unsaid self

I rise - the Phoenix - I am
She. I am She
fleeting growing changing
veins are vines
burgeoning patterns on
unfurled wings scream
gold and blazon crimson
blood in the tears I have shed
sweet purpose - my only melody
gives me hope.

I take her tiny hand in mine
and am risen
                        once more.