recovery is not pretty.
it is not painless or simple or instant.
it is a road littered with backsliding and obstacles and doubt.
a path marred with reopened scars and sleepless nights and feigned smiles.

recovery is rubberbands and ice cubes and pacing and cigarettes.
it is phone calls at 3am when you can barely breathe and all the walls are closing in.
it is screaming at the ones you love because they love you too much to let you break your skin.

it is long sleeves and overly-cautious internet browsing and lots of movies.
it is eating way too much ice cream and taking walks in the middle of the night.
it is hard. recovery is hard. it is messy. it is painful and chaotic. but it is not impossible.

I know, you’re sorry,
stop telling me you
want to hate yourself
for what you did to me.
I know, I told you I’d be okay
without you.
I suppose it wouldn’t help
if I told you
the nightmares started again
after you left.
It took me eleven months to
finally free myself from you
on the first go around,
and now that we’ve tried and
lost for the second time in two years,
just know it might take me
twenty-two months
just to let someone
kiss me on the cheek,
and touch my scars,
and say,
‘I love you, I love you, I love you.’

Stop asking to see me,
if you’re done loving me.
Don’t tell me you care about me,
even if you do.
I’m trying my hardest to climb out of your vines,
but every time you ask,
if we’re going to be okay,
another vine wraps around,
because there is no more we -
it’s just you and I,
and the cord that tied
us together has been frayed
for the final time.

The scars on her legs,
Like little white valleys
Carved out not by years of water,
But by years of pain,
Paint a beautiful picture
Of despair
And sadness
And solitude
But mostly
Of hope
And recovery.
For there are no red rivers flooding the valleys
Anymore

There are some things that
I’ll never understand
like why I engraved “F A D E”
into my upper left forearm
and trace over the uneven markings
a little too fondly sometimes.
I didn’t mean for it to be funny,
and I didn’t mean for it
to actually mean something
But it did.
Because scars don’t always fade,
and I wanted the ones left on my heart to
and I wanted the ones left on my arms to
remind me —
that life will hurt you
but life will heal you
and when it does —
Let it.
Let it.
Let it.