It must be a great feeling
To be that guy and get to say
"I'm in a good place right now"
Where is this place? Why wasn't I invited?
What short straw did I pull that left me here
in this bad place
With nothing to help me fend off my responsibilities except a pen and pad.
And the pen doesn't feel all too mighty right now.
I long for love and acceptance
I do not like what I have become
Maybe people expect too much from me
Maybe it’s the defeated attitude I run around with
But I will never believe myself to be anything close to great.
Sometimes I do a good job at what I do
And sometimes, the right thing comes naturally
But if before I were a kite, now I’m a safe with walls four feet thick.
And I keep locked inside of me those memories of days when I would sore
I still dream of hot days
But secretly hope for storms
Because sometimes, silver linings get mistaken for rough weather.
Right now, I’m sitting here, with my tea going cold.
My door is open, yet I feel like it’s locked.
The weather is bright yet I am cold
And I cannot bring myself to get up
Because I do not know what I am getting up from
And I do not know why each day I come home and get straight into bed
Still hoping for something good to happen
When what I am doing is putting myself into a cage
And treating it like I am taking myself for a walk.
And so every morning I get up and I wonder what happened in my sleep to make me look so rough
And I tread on wooden floorboards that are splintered
And I make myself tea, that always has a bitter taste
And I can’t help but wonder, is this a delusion?
Am I looking at things through eyes which do not want to see the possibilities
Or am I merely living in a world in which nothing can bring me happiness?
Or at least I don’t let it.
Because what I could do
I could wake up
I could buy a better bed in which I sleep sounder
I could sand my floor so that I can walk on smooth ground
And I could get up and have juice which tastes like juice rather than tea which tastes like ****.
But still
I sit here.
And I wait for motivation.
But I fear I only get such motivation when something dies and I feel inspired
Because life lost leads you to believe that you are wasting your life
It puts a spark into a dark place
And I do not want to sit around and wait for something to die before I feel the motivation to change my life.
That isn't how it should be.