You promised me the stars
When all you could give was dust
You were an architect
Built up my hopes with such detail
Painted them into a pretty illuminated future
Almost as bright as the city of angels
A one bedroom apartment in the middle of expectation
You colored my doubts intricate
Swore on my last handful of trust
That you wouldn't waste it
There was only so much to begin with, you know
You promised me the stars
But all I got
Was dust
The residue of the kick-back from your boots
The leftovers you forgot to take with you
You promised me the stars
And gave me nothing
I am not an architect
But I am attempting to build my own sky
Without you
Stars and all.

This city
Has so many bright lights
And 3.8 million people
That live in it
Some nights
I go out
Frequent bars that are too loud
Drink whiskey that is too strong
Try to drown out the noise in my head with greetings
And meaningless conversation
Some nights
I go out
Always secretly hoping
In the back of my mind
That maybe
I'll run into you
I can almost swear
That I see you
Every single time
And I do
I see you
In faces of strangers
In smiles unfamiliar
In shoulders that accidentally brush my own
I mistake each one of them for you
Maybe it's because everyone has the same stupid haircut as you do
Or dresses in that vintage way that you like to
Whatever it is
I cannot stop seeing you
I cannot stop seeing the ghost of what never was
The fact that our vessel had been abandoned long before setting sail
How your promises always read false
Your intentions never true
The reality that you
Are never going to be mine
And I
Am never going to be
Yours
You have already forgotten me
And I
Am trying so hard to forget you
But in this city
There are so many bright lights
And neon signs
That I am often blinded by hope
My imagination
Makes you reappear suddenly
And I start to see things
That aren't there
Put you in spaces
Where I know you don't belong
In this city
Filled with millions
All of them wandering aimlessly
I can only wonder
If your heart jumps out of your chest
When you see blonde hair and red lipstick
I have always been lost
And I can only wonder
If you ever find me
If maybe you stopped looking
A long time ago
Or if you never even searched
In the first place
Regardless
I still manage to see you
Everywhere
I can only wonder
Where you are
Tonight
And if you see me
Too.

I never understood
How someone could wake up one morning
To find that the fire inside their heart
Has died out
Out of nowhere
Turned to dust
I never understood
How someone could wake up one morning
And just stop caring
You did
With such ease
And I still don't understand
How.

Something about his words
And the way they seep into my skin
Makes me feel at home
Something about the thought of future
Of blind promise
Comforts me
Keeps me close at night
Almost lets me forget
That someone else
Has his heart
That it is not some vacant capacity I get to move in to
I am not the only one
Who swirls his image in daydream
Wanting to taste him
Honey on my tongue
Both bitter and sweet at once
Wanting nothing more
Than to drown in eyes and whiskey
Fall quiet to tranquil arms
And ocean wave nights
Wanting
To know love
That isn't synonymous
With interference
My imagination
Works so well
That I almost forget
I am not the only star in his galaxy
That there is no gaurantee
Of becoming sun
More likely
To be supernova burnt out
Turned dust
Unlikely to be remembered
I set my hopes
Much higher than I can reach
Forget about my fear of heights
Dive directly into open hands
I cannot be sure of certainty in another
And most times
I feel more like a waiting problem
Than something to be desired
Feel more late night paramour
Than planned ambition
I have worn the name
Other woman
Too many times
Have it sewn on black lace bra
Branded on porcelain pale skin
Am only young girl marked temptress
I will never believe
That anybody could want this permanently
When all I have ever been is second place passed down
All I have ever been is sideline
Something to come back to
When the rest has died out
I tell him
That I want to be his only
That I could be
Everything he wants me to be
He tells me
I already am
But that there is settling in situations to be done
I tell him
I understand
When really I don't
Know too well that there is not enough room in a heart
For two to fit comfortably
I tell him
Okay
That I will be here waiting patiently
Hanging on
To his words
Until they mold
Into something
That can love me back
Until they morph
Into something
Tangible.

I don't know
What your voice sounds like at 4am
Or how your hair looks
After a restless night of movement
Of midnight caressing
Of hands tangled in limbs
I don't know
The rhythm of your chest
The up and down
Or the pattern of your heartbeat
How it would sync up with mine
If our breathing would become concierto
Would become music
I don't know
How your lips would feel against my neck
How your stubble would feel brushing my cheek
Your warm breath
On my frigid skin
I don't know
How your tongue tastes
After it has been soaked in whiskey
After it has traced the outline of my own
I don't know
How your face looks in the morning light
Don't know
If your body becomes silhouette to sunrise
I don't know a lot
About what it is like
To be with you
But I think
I would like to.

This is not ordinary
I am used to falling
A few feet or so
But never the thousands of miles that now exist
You are so far
I reach out my hands and I cannot touch you
You are not there
Yet I pretend you are
Close my eyes
And imagine the rhythm of your breath
Syncing with mine
Picture your hands
Synching with mine
Our bodies
Poured together
A mess that we neglect to clean up
There is a certain comfort in the chaos
And I want to be in complete disarray
I want to empty myself into your arms
Want you to do the same
And together we will hold ourselves intact
But you are so far
I cannot pick up your pieces when they fall
My hands do not stretch the distance
And there is so much between us
But if I ever get the chance
If this space ever collapses
If it ever box-folds itself into disappearance
If we ever come close
And you want me to,
I will love you
And I will love you
Completely.

When you hold me the first time
I will not be still
My bones have not learned how to be stiff
And my limbs are accustomed to being on edge
My insides are made of vibrations that do not pause
Even in serenity
Comfort I've learned does not always mean calm
I've been touched by too many unwanted hands
Taken too many times without granted permission
When you hold me the first time
My body will be alert
Even if my soul is still
I will be a whirlwind of movement
And untrusting gestures
Placidity is not written into the lines of my skin
I am lightning bolts
Asking you to be my rain
So when you hold me
The first time
Know that you are holding
A storm.

I am still waiting for the day
When I can look at you
And feel nothing

I have been
Piling my boxes of missed opportunity
Cursing at time for his ability to fly so quickly
Two weeks to go
And somehow I am
Still holding hope
That it's long enough for change to move in
To the house that I am leaving
Long enough
For the flowers I've planted inside myself to bloom
I have a garden built upon all of the chances
That I let pass me by
I have wasted too many good moments
With too many bad people
Spent far too many hours
Loving those who were poison
Feeding off of their arsenic touch
I was too naive
To notice that you were sacharrin
In a pool of sour lovers
I was too naive to want to change my perspective
To see you as anything more
Than arms to run to when my own were broken
You always somehow managed
To help me stand up when my bones turned to jello
And just when I get around
To realizing how much I need that embrace of yours
To be held against you as more than just what I have always been
To be looked at beyond the level of friend
Someone else has taken shelter in your home
I waited far too long to sign the lease to your heart
Now I am counting down the days
To when I will be 5,000 miles away in distance
And I wont be able to tell you
How much you mean to me
How much knowing you these past years
Has meant to me
I told you
That I love you
But I don't think you understand
That the kind of love I have for you
Does not crave to be platonic
The kind of love I have for you
Has recently gone from smoke to forest fire
From drizzle to lightning storm
I am aware that
The kind of love I have for you
Is not a kind that will be returned
But before I leave
I felt it necessary
To take some of this weight
Off of my already heavy heart
So that I am not haunted
By things left
Unsaid
And I said it once but I feel the need to say it again
I love you
I really
really
Love you
And also thank you
For
Saving me.

This is not the end
I know that you probably already know that
But I feel the need to remind you
I know it *****
A lot
Hurts like one million knives digging into your skin all at once
Like the animals caged within your bones attempting to break free
Like stepping on metal nails with bare feet
Heartbreak ******* hurts
I am sorry that is does
I would tell you that it goes away but I would be lying
Your first broken heart
Will always be your first broken heart
But I can promise
Is does get better
I can promise
That your first is not your last
At one time it may have seemed like it should've been
Like it somehow just slipped through your grasp
I promise you
Your first
Is not your last
And it wasn't supposed to be
Believe me
There are so many other hearts you will encompass
So many bodies you have yet to learn
So many hands that have yet to touch you
The first might have felt like magic
I can promise you they are not
I can promise that
Moving on is the hardest part
You will feel gaps in the deepest parts of your soul
Know that you do not need someone new in order to fill them
Instead
You will heal from within
When you see him with someone else
Do not burn
Extinguish the fire with smiles and genuine happiness
For someone wise once said that happiness is the best revenge
And it is
That and
Looking hot as hell
Right now you may be going through hell
But it's just a path to the future
And the future holds so much more
I can promise you this
Look at it with wide eyes and open arms
Do not dwell on the one who broke your heart
I can promise that in the years to come
Many will fix it
And that the cracks maintained from those who dropped it
In the end
Will only make you
Stronger.

I don't sleep well
Most nights I wake up repeatedly
In hot air and panic
In midnight intervals
My mind overtaking my capacity to drift off
And nightmares overtaking dreams
I don't sleep very well
But I think I could
With your arms wrapped around me
Skin folding into mine
Hands moving down the trail of my spine
I think I could
With your breath in my ear
And palms along my curves
In the spaces of my back
I think I could
If waking up
Meant rolling over
To kiss your lips
If it meant
Tracing the lines of your body
And learning every part of it
I think I could sleep comfortably
If I had you
Next to me.

I never quite know
The exact words
To describe how I feel
It seems
As if I am always
Searching
But I guess
That is why
I write
In hopes that
Someday
I will find them.

You do not miss me
It is impossible to miss something
That was never wanted
In the first place.

I will never believe beauty
As it falls from your lips
Will convince myself
That I do not have any to begin with
That my eyes are too vacant
My smile too crooked
Face too dotted with freckle
I will never believe
That you find this mess
To be anything but catastrophe
I do not feel galaxy
I feel meteor crash
Do not feel
Like I am something to be admired
Feel too short
Too small
To be something you look up to
I will never believe
That my skin
Is blanket enough to wrap yourself in
I do not know warmth
Or soft
Only rough edges and cold
I will never believe
The words that stumble out of your mouth
And slip between your lips
But I will do my best
To catch them
With my own.

The hardest part
About writing
Is trying to speak
About someone
Who takes your breath away.

How is it possible
For you to feel so empty
You are anything but
Hollow.

Most nights I cannot sleep
There is no amount of melatonin that could shut my eyes just enough to keep them from breaking back open
Nothing that will wipe my memory clean enough for me to dream on a blank canvas
Most nights I am too taunted by past to imagine the future
Spend the time between laying down and deep sleep
Trying to open every door that was left unlocked
Retracing steps that are far too buried to be seen
Most nights I cannot sleep
Cannot bare to remember every moment I used to wish I'd never forget
Held on to seconds like they would somehow stay
I learned that most people don't
And am so easily haunted by visions of those who didn't
You were the first to leave me breathless and wondering
Hands filled with shards of glass that I wanted to give back to you
Thought maybe you'd come back if you knew how much it hurt to have you leave
I cannot sleep
There are monsters in my closet
Most nights I can drown out their noise
With the volume of late night tv and sitcoms with laugh tracks
But sometimes my thoughts are too loud for even my own head
See the thing is
The monsters in my closet
Do not have multiple eyes and green skin
They wear your smile and smell of marlborro reds
My cigarette of choice
So comforting
That it almost makes me forget that you're not next to me
That you left a long time ago
Said the only reason you stayed in the first place is because you didn't know
How to tell me that I meant nothing to you
Didn't know how to put out a fire started from a match you lit yourself
Never knew how to take the blame for your own mistakes
When you totalled your brand new car on the side of the highway and blamed it on the cracks in the road
You can not rush into things
Speed towards them 80 miles per hour
And then not take account for their injuries
At times I wish you would have left me with bruises and a ****** nose
I've learned physical wounds are a lot easier to explain
It's hard to understand what cannot be seen
I haven't seen you in a year
Do not know where you are now
Or what you do with your time
I don't know if you still smoke
Or if you listen to the same type of music
To be honest
I can't even remember the sound of your laugh
But I do remember most of what you were
When I thought I loved you
Most nights I cannot sleep
But I have reached the point
Where you are no longer in my days
In fact you only show up
Only come out
Only are visible
When the lights are off
And It is dark.

Tonight was
The first crescent moon in a while
And the last time your lips
Will touch mine
See I have never been one
To believe in religion
Or anything for that matter
But loving you almost makes me have to
Because how else could something feel so **** right

Tonight I learned
That attraction can not be reversed
That although
Six months have gone by
Since our skin last met
We still have magnets in our bones
Opposite particles that reach for eachother with open arms
I can not explain it
Physics is just complicated like that
I am just complicated like that
I did not mean for this to happen tonight
Retracing the maps of your body
Was not in my plans
Was not my intention
I simply wanted
Closure
But what I got tonight
Was so much more
Than that

Before tonight
I had spent months placing my rage over hot water
Letting it boil inside of me
I had spent months
Learning to hate
Knowing that the only alternative
Was to love
I had spent months
Writing solely envy and nostalgia
Hoping that a pen and some words
Were enough for you to want to let me back in

I have learned
How to ball point my feelings into letters
But not how to embrace them

See I wanted to hate you
Wanted to scoff
Roll eyes
At the thought of you

Awaiting the day
When your prescence
Would be synonymous with inexistence

But it never happened
I've learned that feelings
Can not be erased
Only covered
Shoved into corners of your mind
And attempted to be replaced
But you simply cannot
Just change something into nothing
And to me you will never be nothing

You are a flame I set inside myself
Long ago
That will never cease
Will never burn out
The fire tonight
Was only a reminder
That some things
Will never die

So I'll leave
For the other side of the country
5,000 miles away
With less weight on my usually heavy heart
Knowing that I left part of it
With you

You can have it
It is yours to keep
It always has been
And it always will be
You always will be
My first
Love.

You remind me of rain
In the way that I want you all over me
Rolling over the arch of my back
Arms falling over my hips like drops
I want your skin to leave me soaking
You remind me of rain
You are the sound that could send me to sleep
Soothe me in moments of unease
Sound singing me into serenity
You remind me of rain
In the way that you can
Light up the darkness in seconds
I have never been afraid of lightning
Instead
Found shelter in storm
You could be my protection
Every night keeping me safe
You remind me of rain
In the way that I never
Want you
To stop.

Words can not be used as seduction
Poetry is not a means for attraction
And placement of sentences will not ever be ****
So when you tell me
That you long to love a writer
Know that it is not possible
To make love with only words
That the way language comes together on paper is not a form of sensuality
My words are not meant to make you want me
If it worked that way
Then we would all be attracted
To books
And I am attracted to books
But I'd rather love a human
So when you tell me
You want to love a writer
Know you are longing to love something
Much greater

If I could crawl
The thousands of miles
To be where your arms are
Tonight
Then I would make myself insect
Grow as many legs and wings as needed
Just to be able
To get to where you are
To be able to sleep soundly for once
I would do it all
Just for one night
Where I would no longer have to share a bed
With my demons
I'm almost certain
That you could scare them all away
And for one night
My fears would turn to comfort at your hands
I could close my eyes
Without seeing past
Instead see only future
I could roll over
And see mine right in front of me
If I could crawl
The millions of seconds
Turn time into distance
To be able to be by your side again
Then I would learn to pull myself by my hands
****** my knees
Just so that
I could be at your feet
I do not know my strength
Well enough to try
But patience is a virtue
And I will wait as long as I have to
I will wait
Until I finally
Have you.

When you are alone
Desolate and barren
When you feel like the sea
Blue and full
Yet somehow empty
Feel like you are taking up too much space
Yet somehow still drowning
Know
That on this earth right now
Someone
Somewhere
Feels the same heaviness of the world on their shoulders
Feels the identical loneliness expanding inside of them
And is questioning their existence
Know
That someone
Somewhere
Is waiting
For you
To find them
Waiting
To find you
Know
That you
Are not alone
That you
Are not the sea
Your depth
Is so much greater
And you
Are meant to be here.

I have never been one
To be direct
To speak with clarity
But do not doubt me
My intentions are true
So I will write this
Will all riddle aside
Dear you
You who has
Been there for me
In every struggle
With a consoling arm around my shoulder
My life these past few years
Has been an obstacle course
I have jumped hurdles with shaky knees
Only to land face down
But every time I have fallen
You have helped me
To the finish line
I have never been one
To shoot for the stars
But you have made me feel
As if I'm an astronomer
I now see hope in every constellation
Every crescent moon
No feat is too difficult to overcome
I am overcome with thoughts
That I feel the need to let out
So that
I can breathe easier
I have known you for three years
I have spent two loving you
And just when I finally
Build up the courage
To tell you
It is too late
I am knocking myself down
Because for all of the times you've picked me back up
I never realized
How much I needed that
How much I wanted
So much more
You call me best friend
Which in itself
Is an honor
It is simply to know you
But I know
That I love you
And I'm aware that it's impossible for you to return that love
Funny because you make me feel
Like nothing is impossible
Like
Somehow being 5,000 miles away
Won't change anything
Like
Somehow I have been hiding out in the back of your mind
Maybe that's just my optimism
I was a pessimist
Before I met you
It's crazy to even think
That you could ever think of me
As more than what I've always been
But the clouds have cleared for me
And ******* the sky is bright
I can see everything that we could ever be
Right in front of my eyes
There is no need for sunsets
And rainbows
When there is so much beauty in what already is
See I've had a revelation
I have not found god
Or seen the light
But I see the light in you
And maybe someday
You'll be able to see the same one
In me.

I told myself
That today
I would write something happy
Compose something
As bright as they tell me my future is
But lately all I have been seeing
Is fog
Lately all I have known
Is lightning storm meets hurricane
I do not know
How to compile something that is not truth
And truth is not pigmented sunshine
Is not seventy degrees and blue sky
It is the pounding of thunder in my head
The rolling of harsh waves in my stomach
Memories do not sit sweetly on my tongue
Every thought of mine has turned natural disaster
I never promised to be pretty with my words
Have only hoped
They would eventually evolve into something less ugly
Something I could look to and be proud of
But in order to get to calm
In order to know steady
One must make it through the shaking
So I will write strong
After the tsunami
Will write beauty
After the break down
Will write buoyant
After the saltwater crash
I will write happy
When I finally know
What it tastes like.

The people I love
Don't have time to love me back
And I still give so much of myself away

I tell you
That you feel like home
I ask if that is too strange to say
You tell me
Not at all
That to be honest
You feel the same.

It is time
To stop falling for people
Who don't have enough of their own
To catch you.

I do not need a higher power
To know
That I
Am meant to be here
I may never understand
Just why
But I
Am perfectly happy
Not knowing
Perfectly okay with the possibility
That I
May never know.

Love for me
Has never been about
Finding someone who makes you happy
Instead
Has always been about
Finding someone
Who is worth waking up for
In order to face the world
After all
Finding someone
Who makes you happy
Is simple
Happiness
Is sort of a momentary thing
Eventually requiring upkeep
But happiness
Is not a challenge
Instead
Find someone
Who is enough
To make you want to get up
And get through the day
Just so
You can get back to them
To do it again
Tomorrow.

I will not say I love you like the rest
I will not put it in words
Instead
My love
Will come in reminders
In late night hellos
In moments of disbelief where I'll wonder out loud
How you possibly love something like this
My love
Will come in touch
In palms attempting to comfort shoulder
My love
Will come in laughs
In nudges
In squeezing of the hand
In the way my eyes fill with admiration
Every time I kiss you
And look at you
I will love you
But I will never tell you
That I do.

I think I could love you
Not perfectly
But I could
Time has never been on my side
And distance is a factor
That I'll soon have to wrestle with
But I think I could love you
Devote myself to learning
Every part of you
Which is
Easy enough
When you already know
All that I am
Tell me
Is it possible
To look at a daisy
Like it's a rose
After all
I have always said
That beauty is in perspective
So maybe
If you look at me differently
I could be
Your rose.