I love you today
Not tomorrow, but today
Because I live in the moment
And the moment is now

I don’t think about tomorrow
Because tomorrow is the future
And you tell me not to worry about that

So I will love you today
With every ounce of my soul

And when tomorrow comes
I will love you again
I will love you differently
I will love you the same
I will love you brand new.

This is not love
It is not even close

The routine
Is always the same
His use of language as a weapon
How his words know the exact places to hit
Boomerangs against the knees
Knocking you down into submission
He knows all of the right phrases
To color you invisible
Dissolve you into his hands
Purple and blue are only meant for the sky
So you rename yourself sunset
His palms against your skin
Are unforgiving in their contact
Grabbing and shaking
Cowering and pleading
His touch is never apologetic
But he always is
Swear his love
Begs for forgiveness
And promises to never do it again

You believe him
Every single time
His sorry is a silk tied noose
Deceiving in its softness
Wrapped around your neck gently
You forget that capability
Has nothing to do with appearance
That the most dangerous things
Are often dressed as gentle
Love and hurt
Are both four-letter words
But they are not meant
To be interchangeable
They do not teach you this
In grade school
Movies made it seem pretty
And desirable
To attach yourself to ticking time bomb
To crave something so volatile
But it is not pretty
To have to worry about
Doing everything correctly
For fear of not pleasing
One wrong action
Makes you a guillotine
And you would still manage
To blame yourself
For the beheading

This is not love
It is the farthest thing from

But one day you will find it
You will know when you have
When he takes his time
And listens with patience
You will know it
When his hands don't invoke flinching
His rough callus only knowing tender
And lips are reserved for kissing
You will know it
When the dull ache disappears
And there is no longer a sting
To follow
And you will say
To yourself

“This is love
That is exactly
What this is.”

My hands are a masterpiece
Not perfect, but a masterpiece

They hold with fragility,
Move with vibration

My hands are never steady
Unless you count being at rest

My hands sleep at night
Just like the rest of my body

My hands are different than others
They always look nervous, they always seem anxious

They write with patience and pride
Holding the pencil with four fingers gripped on to it

Because that teacher in 2nd grade once said,
“That’s not how you hold a pencil”

But the way they hold the pencil feels right,
It feels comfortable

So the fingers wrap around the wood
And the words begin to appear

My fingers are circus performers
Unbalanced, walking on a tight rope

Trying to stay still
They swing back and forth

My hands are tapping to a song
But there’s no music playing.

You weren't as great
As I painted you out to be
Maybe I'm just a good artist.

Some nights
I stand on stage
And read lines I have written
Lend my soul to strangers
And hope they enjoy it for the hour
I look out from blackness
To a crowd of many faces
But none of them
Are for me
Afterwards
I step out to greeting hands on shoulders
Smiling patrons with admiring words
But none of them
Are familiar
None of them
Are for me
I do not invite
Those I love
And the ones I do invite
Never come
Because they don't really love me at all
I do not invite
Those who do
To come watch me dissolve
Underneath these bright lights
I do not spill myself out
To those who already know what lays inside
My poetry is a blanket for everything ugly
And there is no need
To place it on those who have already seen what is underneath
Some nights
I am saddened by this
By entertaining a crowd that knows nothing more
Than my name and writing
Yes they have seen me bleed
And to them,
It is nothing more
Than an act
But there is no clotting after the show
No army of white blood cells to end the spillage
It is just me
Along with the remnants of what I've poured out that day
What people often forget
Is that my words follow me home
Some nights
I share them with others
But most nights
I keep them to myself
And every night
They stay with me
Sleep in my bed
The only good is in the reassurance
Of knowing they will be there
In the morning
Unlike every other
Who has left after the ******
Everyone
Always leaves
And I am afraid
That if I wring myself empty
To those who already love me
They will do the same
I do not know
How to clean up my mess with pride
I only know
How to sweep it aside
So for now
I will continue
To stand on stage
And read lines I have written
Lend my soul to strangers
And hope they enjoy it for the hour
I know they will
My performance
Is their escape.

I ask when you are coming back
I ask when you are coming home
After being miles apart for months
I am starting to miss you

You tell me Wednesday
I tell you
That is when I leave
And disappointment washes over my tongue
Knowing that it will be months more
Before I get to see you again

I offer to fly you out to see me
For a week or so in December
You could stay at my place and everything
I tell you it will be fun
You answer honestly
That it might be conflicting
You mention your music
That you will be working on it
And you just don't know
If there will be enough time
To sacrifice any of it for a break
You always put guitar and melodies
Before me
And I always resented you for it

I propose dinner in the future
You agree but hesitantly
Said the last time we were together
It was too much
An emotional limbo
That you never want to go through again
I ask if it can happen
You say okay but with strings
That I cannot kiss you
That I cannot touch you the way I used to
That the kind of touching I do
Should be reserved for couples
For those who are in love
And we are not

I want to tell you
That I have loved you for three years straight
And I have never stopped once
I want to say
That people will come in and out of my life
But you are permanently in my head
And my heart

We could go
Days
Weeks
Months
Without talking
And I will still hold you in the back of my mind
Keeping a place set for you always

I do not realize this
And how true it is
Until someone asks me if I wonder what my future husband will look like
And without a pause
I tell them I already know

It sounds terribly naïve
Maybe also crazy
But I have a spot in myself reserved for you
Somewhere for you to come back to

Even if it takes years for you to claim
Even if you never do
I have it kept aside
In case you ever decide
That it's where you need to be

I asked when you were coming home
As if the city we grew up in
Could still be called our home
When in reality home is much farther than an arms reach
I am on the other side of the country

I asked when you were coming home
I asked because
I am not really sure
Where home is right now for me
But you have always been
And will always be
The closest thing to it

You are a house
I could spend the rest of my life in
I know every square inch
Every detail that most would be unable to notice
Your arms are home
Your touch is home
You are home
And I am home
With you.

I read a blog post
That I had written
Years ago
It was written
The night of my first kiss
And it was titled,
"The best night of my life ever"
I can say now
That it was probably not the best night of my life ever
But it was a good one
I remember it well
The fast pace of my heart
The whirling of my stomach
The smile plastered on my face for the whole week that followed
Prompting my mother to ask what the hell was wrong with me
That sunday in october
Years ago
Was the first time
I had ever felt butterflies
I wrote about it the night it happened
Eager to document my excitement
That sunday in october
Is a night that I still write about sometimes
I have kissed
Many lips since then
I have had hands touch me
Explored bodies
In ways that my 13 year old self
Would cringe at
I am much older now
But some days
I feel like time hasn't passed at all
Some days
I have to remember
That this body is not the same
It has played house to so many men
That I often forget who it belongs to
I am not the same person
That I used to be
I have had so much happen
Since then
So I wonder why
I am still writing about my first kiss
How it is the only memory
Since then
That I don't want to erase completely
My innocence was lost
Not long after
So I keep rewinding to that night
Continue playing it back
Back to spinning objects instead of bottles
For the chance to be kissed
And a moment of infinity
It's funny
How one of my fondest memories
Is a sunday in october
When the boy I liked
Touched his lips to mine for the first time
It's funny
How I still think about it
After so much has happened
After so much time has gone by
I am almost a completely different person
Than I was back then
But I still need reminders
That I'm not that girl anymore
I still think about her
I still write about her
I wonder
If she ever wrote about me
And who she thought she might be
After so many years
I still keep her blog up and running
For the sole purpose of reading it
For the sole purose of reflecting
On what was important back then
And what will always be
She wrote about her first kiss
To be able to remember it
I am writing about it
To keep her alive.

The sunset last night
Was red, purple
And blue
I could have swore
I saw you in it
But you are not in the sky
You are only in my dreams
Only at night
When it is dark
I only see you
When the lights are off
And my mind is running
When it is pitch black
And my insomnia paints pictures of you
It is so easy
To admire something that isn't there
And some things in life
Are not as good as they seem
But the sunset last night
Against the mountains and quiet beach
Was that good
I went to look for you in it
And I almost forgot
That you
Are not that good
You
Are not even close.

Do not make false promises to a girl
Who is more familiar with letdown
Than she is herself
Do not tell her that you will call
When you know you wont
Her heart will begin to sync with ringtone
Skip with the sound of it
And drop every time it isn't you
When it is you
Do not say you will make it up to her
With tomorrow
And the next
She is still stuck on yesterday
Do not build her up with falsity
She has fallen too many times before
There have been too many disasters
Too many highs turned crash
And her heart becomes a lit cigarette
Burning down into nothing
She is not completely intact
And you are well put together
Do not take any of her pieces
You have enough as is
Do not give her any of yours
If you intend to take them back
Even if it is for one night
Do not love her
Or pretend to
It is much easier to fake intimacy
Than it is to erase it
Her skin is photographic memory
Every touch engrained within
There is no forgetting
So when you do leave
You will have left your mark

When she waits for you
She will do so eagerly
With patience
Her heart will skip too many beats
When you let her fall
And you are not there to catch her
She will learn to pick herself up
Brush off the dust
And move on
When you wait for her
You will know just how strongly
Time tugs on the heartstrings
You will hear her name
Every time your phone rings
You will see her everywhere
But she will not be there
She got tired of waiting around.

Just yesterday
We were 12 years old
Plagued by acne and awkward physicality
Attempting to conquer middle school and everything that comes with it
******* too large for our scrawny figures
Pale skin
Freckles painting our faces
Yesterday we were 12
I swear we were just
Giggling about boys between slow dances at whatever bar mitzvah was that weekend
Smiling as they stared at awe at our changing bodies
Sticks blooming into carved wood
Futures as tall as we were hoping to become
Although I myself never made it past 5 foot 2
It was the promise that kept us going
The promise of straight teeth and symmetrical eyeliner
The desire to have boys' hands on our skin
Craving the rough callus against our delicate thighs
There were no cages back then
Our stomachs were filled to the rim with butterflies
Free to do as they please
We never thought twice
Only did
Immersing ourselves in adventures
Back before excitement moved to glass bottles and late nights with crowded rooms
Back when
It lived in our backyards and the mall down the street
The other day
We were 12 years old
But today I just feel old
Feel strange
Feel like I left a part of me back home
I am miles away from where I was at 12 years
But it feels so close in time
Feels like I can still look in the mirror
To find us in poorly applied makeup
In Ill fitting pants and hot topic t shirts
Neon pink accessories
I find it hard to believe
That these people have been gone for six years already
And that for the first time since meeting
They will be apart
We have been through it all
The good
The bad
The disappointing
The awkward and embarassing
All of these years in my life
Have already passed
So why do I feel like they are still stuck to my skin
Why do I feel like nothing has changed at all
I know
That change is inevitable
That time goes on no matter how many times we hit snooze
That we are older and that this is real life and we don't get to choose whether it's easy or not
That we have to face it head on
I know we're going down separate paths
But they have to connect somewhere
I know they will someday
Someday we will look back
And say
Yesterday we were 18
Where the **** did time go?
I don't know where it did
But until we find it
Let's just breathe
Take it in
Go slow.

I believe in promise more than I should
Grew up thinking that pinkys bent together were the strongest bond there is
I am just now learning how to ease my grip
Learning
How to break the rope I tie with vow
Just before it catches into noose
I have been hung from the rafters of my own vulnerability
Too many times before
And I am learning
How to build back strong
Learning
How to keep my doors locked
Trying
To stop letting people in
Those who lure me with the pledge of future
Who tell me their intentions are golden
And I,
The silver plated woman
Have nothing to worry about
But I've seen platinum turn to rust right before my eyes
And too often does metal twist into deceit
I want to believe
That everyone who gives me oath
Is genuine in their undertaking
I want to believe
That it is impossible
To tell someone you care
And then out of nowhere just pack up and leave
I never understood
How it is anyone is able
To wake up one morning
And just stop loving
How you could swear interest for months
And then one day just lose it
I am done
Holding on to words that never meant anything in the first place
How many times do I have to hit hard until I learn
To stop jumping in head first
I am still believing
And forgetting the lie within it
Forgetting
That pinkys can break too
Bone is not shatterproof
Yet somehow
Still heals much quicker than heart
My hopes
Are so much brighter than my reality
And every time they fail
I still find ways to put blame on something else
On someone else
But never the one who drops me
I still remember your promise
Still fresh from your tongue
I am holding on to it in the palm of my hand
Grasping it between fingers
Morphing it into skin
Trying to convince myself
That you're going to come back for it
That the leave was only temporary
See
I am skilled in the art
Of never letting go
It is a practice
I have mastered
And I do not intend
On stopping
Even if you never return
Even if I
Never come back down to earth
I am perfectly content with this delusion
Wake me up
When there is solace
In something other than falsity
Wake me up
When I finally find someone
Willing
To come back to me.

It is 1am
And I am a combination
Of alcohol and thoughts
Too many words and heavy eyelids
I stand at bar
With drink in loose hands
As some attempt conversation
And I
Smile quietly
With vacant eyes
Because there are plenty of people
In this room
That could fill this empty capacity
Put end
To this gap of desolation expanding inside of me
There are plenty
Who I could find momentary comfort in
Possibly even more
But I
Am too blocked off
To call myself open
Too shut down
To even listen to small talk
Or friendly dialogue
The truth is
I am too hung up
On distance
And romance that is more than likely
To never work out
To be able to make the effort
To love someone other than taken
I am so good
At setting my heart on situations
That have been set long before my prescence
I am skilled
At attempting to love person already satisfied
I will never be neccesity
Only drunken shell of girl
Searching through a sea of bodies
For someone who is not there
For someone who will probably never be there
This routine
Of bourbon and late nights
Of strangers and recurrent introductions
Will continue with frequency
But I
Will remain
Unfulfilled
It is 1am
And I am
Still hoping for something
That is perpetually
Unattainable.

I don't know if you think things through
Before saying them
If you hear your thoughts
Before they exit your mouth
I don't know if you consider your words compliment
Or flattery
But noting that I am too pretty
To hide behind paper and pen
Does not feel worthy of a thank you
I have been taught
To value emotional intelligence over beauty
Value conversation over vanity
Would rather get lost in thought than in eyes
I do not choose based on appearance
And you do not get to decide
Which form of release I get to use
To rid myself of demons
I wonder if you would still find me attractive
If you saw every story buried inside of me
If you saw every line burned onto the pores of my tongue
Every tooth in my mouth that should be crooked
My pain is not beautiful
Therefore I have to find a way
To make it close to it
To make it as appealing as possible
I wonder
What kind of profession you would choose for a girl like me
Maybe waitress
Or homemaker
God forbid it's something that demands anything but smiles
If trauma had a face
Mine would be carbon copy
Would be ugly
So do not tell me
That my looks overpower my passion
That words would read meaningless coming from my lips
Your ignorance is not suited for someone like me
Someone who writes with fire in their fingers
And blood between their lips
You are not meant for someone as deeply rooted as this
The strength of my voice does not depend
On the body it comes out of
Its worth is not determined
By beauty
And I
Am not determined
By it either.

After the heartbreak
You will learn to love again
It may take
Weeks
Months
Or years
But it will happen
After the fall
You will learn to build yourself back up
From the pieces left behind
It may take
Weeks
Months
Or years
But it will happen
After the spillage
Through all of this emptiness
You will be whole again
It may take
Weeks
Months
Even years
But it will happen
Change will happen
Life will happen
And you
Will be you again.

You cannot love
Two people at once
Even if they are on opposite sides
Of the country
Even if one is on the west coast
And the other is on the east
It still isn't possible
Eventually you will mix feelings like liquor
Forgetting how many shots of promise you've offered to each
How many times you've poured their glasses half empty
It is reckless behavior
That never ends well
Only in sickness and a headache in the morning

You cannot care
For two souls equally
It is not fair
To separate passion in half
When it is only meant to be given as a whole
And one will surely sense the uneven in the balance
Like a sinking boat with a crack in the base
Water flows to a side and leaves the other drowned
Gasping for air
For some sense of meaning
The sea is too dangerous to dive directly in
And it's impossible to be everybody's saviour
So don't promise rescue
To both
When you only have one flotation device

You cannot hold
Two hearts together
At the same time
Your hands are not big enough
They are too clumsy to balance the weight of disappointment
And theirs will be heavy when your shaking fingers release them
Dropping everything you've attempted to fit inside
Disaster will takeover
A hurricane of hurt will rush in
Leaving you empty and barren
With open palms
You will regret not holding on to one thing tightly
Instead you chose to grab on to two
And ended up with neither
That's what you get
For choosing quantity over quality
For stuffing your arms with more than you could carry
You get nothing
In return for greed.

My summer love
We met on a warm Los Angeles evening
When the air was still and quiet
Cigarette smoke filling our lungs
I asked you for your secrets
You handed them over willingly
I placed mine in your palms for you to keep
As we talked minutes into hours
Into 4am and restlessness
The only time I have ever been content without sleep
My summer love
What a coincidence it was
To have met you when I did
What a convenience it wasn't
That you were from the other side of the country
Thousands of miles away in New York City
You left with the promise of return
But I think I knew you never would
My summer love
It has been more than a while
Since the few nights we spent together
Tangled and curling
Our bodies molding with familiarity
The irony of us as strangers
Loving like we weren't
I barely knew you then
I hardly know you now
But I am content
My summer love
We were never meant to last more than the week
Our lives were as different as we were passionate
Caught up in the moment
I am glad to have known you when I did
But realistic enough to accept past tense
You could not have loved me longer
Even if you tried to
I am glad you didn't
I am not sure it would have been worth it
What we had for that short time in June
Is something I will keep forever
It was fun while it lasted
But we ourselves,
Were not meant to.

Everybody loves a good mess
Until it's their turn to clean it up
And restoration is only appealing from afar

So I will fix myself
Without him.

Be cautious
Of the love you give out
And how much of yourself
You give away

There will always be someone
Who takes too much.

You remember how it felt
To give yourself away
And receive nothing in return
All you ever wanted
Was to be wanted the same
You were only fourteen
When you gave everything you had
To someone you thought you loved
And it still wasn't enough
For him to love you back

You were just a kid
You're older now
And a lot has changed since
But somedays you feel almost the same as you did then
Surrounded by all of this emptiness
Gained from guarding your heart for so long
You learned how to cover up
How to build a cage within yourself
To keep everything inside
To keep your crooked from falling out
To keep your weakness from showing
And for the most part
It worked

But somedays
You still don't feel
Like you are capable of filling up the excess
Of vacant space
Like you are missing pieces
From the whole of yourself
Like you are lacking too many parts
In too many places
You could never quite satisfy anyone
Yourself included
You don't believe it
When someone tells you you're sufficient
You have never felt adequate
Never worthy
Or good
But I want you to know
That you are
That you have been
And you will always be
Enough.

I know
That someday
I will have to stop checking for updates
Waiting to see if there is anything new in your life
Anyone new in your life
I am not in your life
But I still look at your pictures now and then
To remind myself what you look like
I do not want to forget anytime soon
I know
That you forgot me long ago
But I hold on to hope that maybe
You wonder about me
Read my poetry
Type my name in at the top of your screen
Look for my image on media that is anything but social
My eyes used to light up
Every time your name did on my phone
A type of high I'd only get
From knowing that you were thinking of me
I still think of you, you know
And the nights where I can't sleep I find myself searching for you
You are not difficult to find
I know
It is a waste of energy
To keep following you
But it's so easy
When your footprints are everywhere
Your trail intertwined with mine
Your promise is still imprinted on my tongue
And disappointment still lingers on my skin
The light in my eyes is now gone
It has been replaced with a dull ache
And artificial happiness
I know
I need to stop condemning myself to this torture
There is no more future for us
There never was
There never will be
I know
I need to stop looking for you
You are not looking for me.

Of all of the bad decisions
I've made in my life
Loving you was my favorite.

I have always
Had a knack
For losing things
It's no wonder
You're gone.

If we are to ever fall in love, remember these things. Remember the things that make me laugh the most as I will need it when I am grumpy and in a bad mood, i have a love for bad jokes and anything ******* related, it is noted that I have the sense of humor relevant to a  12 year old boy. I was 12 years old when I first learned how to hate my own body. I mastered the art of dissonance while simultaneously shredding any sense of self worth from my paper skin, I was taught that I was not and never would be good enough. To this day, I still don't feel whole. Thats not to say I never will, I am constantly growing and learning to love my whole being. Still, when you tell me that I am pretty, or beautiful, when I am in your arms and you tell me that I have a perfect body and a loving soul, a part of me will not believe it. When you compliment me, I will lay there silent, not because I don't want to accept it, but because I truly don't know how. How you could possibly love something that has been broken so many times before, I will constantly second guess myself unable to believe that you are somehow capable of loving something as ******* up as me. I am always trying to ***** into place all of the pieces that define me, always checking to make sure that the glue i've used to put myself back together is still holding. Holding me in your arms will always be calming to me. I could be jumping out of my body but the moment that you rest your hands around me, I will fall quiet. If you remember anything, remember that touch is the one thing that can speak to me when nothing else can. Use your fingers to form words on my skin and your palms to send heat to the arctic places of my trembling frame. I am always trembling. But I am not nervous, rather calm with a disorder that causes my nerves to constantly spell out fear as if I am afraid. if I am afraid, I will not show it. I will hold it in because I was told at a young age that vulnerability is synonymous with weakness. But that is not always the case. The strongest moments I have are when I am face forward, naked soul, and crying. If you get the chance to see me cry, you are special. Remember that you are special. Remember that I can be happy too. Remember that even in the darkest of storms, the sun still lives on. Only in rain can we truly learn to admire clarity. I will be your clarity. When your vision is blurred and your ability to see is hazy, know that I will guide you through any fog that you encounter. I will not surrender until you force me to and even then I will refuse to give up. Astrology has told me that i am hard headed and strong willed. And ******* its true. I will walk to the ends of the earth for you before I give in, remember this. Remember that in my book, love is the biggest chapter, one that is constantly being scratched out and rewritten. Love is the part of my story that I have yet to figure out whether or not will ever be finished. Remember that I remember things far too well to ever forget you. I will not forget you. I will love you. Sacrifice my limbs to worshipping every part of you. I may not do what most lovers do. But most lovers don't remember the details. And the details make me who I am. So love my details, my imperfections, my lines, my freckles, love me like the way the stars admire the moons ability to be elusive. I am elusive, obsolescent, and desolated, yet I am free. But i can only be your moon if you let me. So please, let me be, your moon.

Note that when I say boy
I say it with purpose
I say boy
Because only men know how to hurt with intention
And you never did

I knew it then
And I know it now
You were too good for me
You are the glowing sun on a california morning
And I am a rainy dark seattle afternoon
The only time my city ever saw blue skies and sunshine
Was when you were in it
You made me laugh
On days when the weight of the world fell on top of me
You always made things light again
I am stubborn
I always have been
I was a bull that you never tried to tame
You never asked me to slow down
Only waited patiently with open arms
For me to come to a halt
I was rough
I would pluck and pull at your thorns until you reached your breaking point
You never did though
And in my moments of panic,
All you wanted to do
Was comfort me and try to understand
I'd push you away before you could even attempt to
I remember laying in bed
Your arms outstreched and caring
And me refusing to give in
Because of some grudge I was still holding on to
We fought a lot
But every time you were the first to forgive
I mastered the art of crossed arms and silence
While you sat laughing out of frustration
Because I was so ******* ridiculous
I picked at you until you bled
Waiting for you to hurt me back
But you never did
Only men know how to hurt with intention
And hurt was the one thing you were incapable of doing
I don't think you could have
Even if you wanted to
You were the first one who didn't try to break me
And I guess I was just expecting you to
I could say I only treated you this way because I didn't know love could be stable
But I think the real reason
Was that I feared if you knew
How great you really are
You would leave
I think the real reason
I treated you so poorly
Was that I was afraid of losing you
I want you to know
That I never intended to hurt you
I know now
I should have loved you better
I should have loved you
The way you loved me.

I remember my father's lips, still ripe from spitting the word cancer
His inner conflict finally released
How to tell his only daughter
Of the possibility she could lose her father
I do not know if I cried
I cannot remember
I remember the first time he told me
More so than I remember the second
His uncertainty was what terrified me most
But he told me that regardless of the situation
Everything will work out
How it is meant to work out
I nodded because I knew it would

I remember my father’s sunken eyes
This was the only time I had seen him at a point so low
Loss has a way of pulling people down
I couldn’t help but wonder if he cried
When he found my uncle's lifeless body
On the floor of his city apartment
I wonder if he sat there for a few minutes
Mourning the death of someone who never truly knew how to live
My uncle was bipolar
And everyday
Was a battle he fought with himself
A never-ending rollercoaster
Of highs and lows
Ups and downs
My father said
Maybe now he was at peace
I nodded because I knew he was

My father’s countenance
Says more than his words ever do
His expressions speak louder than language
I understand the writing on his face
I understand it all
Maybe it’s because ours are so similar in structure
Our almond eyes symmetrical
His smile, my smile
Mirror images
I know his attributes
More so than I know myself
I know him
More so than I know myself
He says we are one in the same
I nod because I know we are.

Sixteen wasn't too far away
But I can remember it
Feel it
Like it was yesterday
Hearts beating out of chests
As if to reach for one another
Speaking language on skin
Goosebumps as braille
That only we could interpret
I do not remember every second we spent together
Only certain moments
Sacharrin memories that have stuck to my tongue
Can not be washed off with mouthwash or salt
They are far too sweet to erase
I do not remember it all
But I do remember feelings
I remember movement
The involuntary curve of upper the lip
Brought on by overwhelming delirium
Contentment
Happiness
I can feel your smile more than I can picture it
I can picture
The lone tear that would escape an eyelid
Every now and then in the heat of an argument
To remind us
That this is real
And it was
Our distance was never anything more than a few miles yet
We always stayed up to make sure
That the other
Was home safe
Tucked beneath the covers
After driving home
2am in pouring rain
It's funny how
Love comes in more than just four letters
In more than a word
In more than just saying it
An announcement
It comes in
Reminders
In ensuring well-being
In wishes
In thrown pennies into wells
In nostalgia
In remembering how lovely it is
I know we were never ideal
Maybe we fought way more than we should have
Our persistance got between us more than once
You a virgo
And I, a taurus
I'm sorry for being a bull
But I never meant to bully you
I used words like grenades all too often
I was a detonator
When I should have been shelter
Protectant
It was silly for me not to be
I was sixteen when I met you
And sixteen when I loved you
I'm older now
Slightly wiser than I was back then
But in reality
I'm no different
The scariest thing to me is that
It seems as if
Years are nothing more than days
It seems as if
This was all yesterday
That time hasn't even begun to graze our youthful skin
But it has
And it is
Time has touched us in ways I never imagined possible
We have already grown apart
Streched to other sides of country
Dipping our bones into different waters
But if there's something you've shown me
Something you've taught me
It's that
Your first love
Will always be your first love
Regardless of how life goes on
Regardless of who you meet
Where you go
What you see
Regardless of distance, time
Whatever it is
Your first love
Will always be your first love
And love,
You will always be
Mine.

I wish I could write the poem
To make you fall in love with me
But I am still trying
To compose the one
To get me to love
Myself.

I read once
That a rainbow
Can only be seen
In the morning
Or late afternoon
But whoever found that out
Has clearly
Never seen you
At 2am with the glow of the moon
Hitting your face
You are a rainbow
Visible
At all hours of the day
Shining brightest
When outside
It is
Darkest.

I want you
To touch my silk skin
Until it turns sand paper rough
Run your hands down my spine
Until it curves into arch
Wrap your legs around mine
Until we become unison
Hold my unsteady body
Until it is still as the night
Hold it tightly
Until we wake to sunrise
I want you
To warm my lips with yours
Until they are no longer blue
Warm my heart with yours
Until it is no longer blue
I want you
I want you
I want you.

When he tells you that he is going to be honest
Brace yourself for the worst
Expect nothing less than blow to the chest
And make sure there is something to fall back on
There will be no arms to catch you
When he tells you that he met someone else
He is trying to tell you
That he met someone better
What he is saying
Is that he wants to love her
And that you
Are nothing more than a release
What he wants from you
Is purely physical
He will use your body
But crave her heart
It is understandable
There is no reason for him to want yours
Broken things aren't good for much anyway
He will ask for no strings
Unaware that you are used to being a puppet
And every time you open your mouth
You spill words that have been silenced by men's hands
How many times do they have to enter you without permission
For your lips to shut completely
Strings or not,
You are still dangling from a thread
When he tells you that he doesn't want to hurt you
Believe him
Anyone who really wants to
Will not tell you
What he doesn't know
Is that pain is inevitable
And you have so much of it already
You swallow it in doses mixed with memory every single night
Closed eyes and flashback
There are too many reminders already
You do not need any more
Instead cover up with a cigarette
And then another
I guess it's better
To know from the beginning
That he will end up leaving
A fair warning
Not to get attached
Does he know
That your heart is made of glue
Impossible to hold just once
Does he know
Of your velcro skin
And how it rips every time you are let go
You wonder how many times it will take
Before you learn to stop clinging to sand paper
When he tells you to keep this to yourself
And to not tell your friends that he is an *******
You will oblige
After all,
His reputation is far more important than your sanity
Far more superior than your dignity
And everyone knows a straight white boy's biggest priority
Is worrying about what others think of them
Instead of telling anyone
You will just write a poem
With the intent that someday the whole world will know
And maybe one day they will

When he ends all of this by saying that he is here for you
If you ever need anything
Laugh
Because you know the only thing you truly need
Is a good book
And a bottle of whiskey
Make sure to tell him
You never needed him
To begin with
And you never will.

Do you remember
The first time you held somebody's hand
Felt the way their skin pulsed against yours
How your heart attempted to escape from your chest
And your stomach became home to 10 million moths
Flying into the light all at once
Do you remember
The nervous laughs
And the smile that lay between pigmented cheeks
Drawn from admiration
And bliss
How you never before found glow
In a lantern not your own
Do you remember
The lips that first wiped you of your sanity
How they brushed against yours with  seemingly perfect unision
Replayed over and over again
Heart reminding brain
Reminding body
How good it felt to be loved
To be touched
If that could be bottled
If any of the first time nostalgia and discovery
Could be placed in a glass jar
And preserved
Than we would need no reminder
Of how it felt to feel
And how it felt to be
Alive.

I'm hoping that the dust gathered
From things I always wanted to say but never had the chance to
Can someday be put to good use
That maybe
The words i wrapped around my tongue like barbed wire in order to keep them from slipping out
Will one day find their graceful exit from the spaces between my teeth
There are so many sentences that
I never let leave my vocal chords
Instead kept them as prisoner
Inside my weary mouth
I am burying myself beneath all of my missed opportunities
Hoping that someday
I'll be able to dig myself out
I am hoping
That one day
I won't be haunted
By things left unsaid.

I am homesick for your arms
Your touch
How we lay intertwined in bed
So effortlessly
Your body
Is more of a house
Than the one I live in
I know it so well
I could close my eyes
And see every inch
Your body
Is a road map
I have spent hours memorizing
I know every ridge of your skin
Every curve
I have traced the trail
That leads to your lips
Over and over again
You are so familiar
That without you
I miss you
But what I miss more,
Is the way I felt with you
Comforted
And at ease
I have always loved this
About you
I have loved you
For the longest time
And although we will not be together
For quite some time
I will always remember your warmth
Your softness
Keep it in my back pocket
And pull it out on days where I feel lost
I have yet to find
Another face of stubble
That is as gentle
As yours
There is not a soul
As sweet
As yours
Your arms
Are the only pair
That can soothe me to sleep
And I am homesick for them.

Mom and dad there are plenty of things, that i never told you. And thats not to say i never confided in you, id say you know me more so than anyone else has or ever did but mom and dad there are a few things that over the years ive hid. Things i still to myself cant admit. There are things i have never told you. But i think its about time that i did.
Like that time when i was 15 and it was halloween and i told you i was sleeping at haleys and she told her parents that she was sleeping at ours, and her parents were out of town and we threw a wild party and the cops almost came but they didnt and we somehow managed to get away with it, yeah i never told you that.
I never told you about the times my body fell numb after digging through the pill cabinents and swallowing whatever remnants i could get my hands on, you werent wrong when you finally caught me and accussed it of not being the first time. It wasnt.
It wasnt easy for me to tell you about the times when i felt like my body belonged to someone else and i was merely a stranger leasing it out from time to time, it wasnt easy for me to tell you about my depression. To tell you what it felt like, what it still feels like sometimes to be a ghost in your own personal hell, the devil on your shoulder being your only friend. And when i stayed in bed for days on end it was always easier for me to tell you that i was sick. And i was sick.
It wasnt until the first time i had found myself holding a razor against my silk white skin that i realized this. And the realization wasnt enough for me to do anything about it. When you asked me what the marks on the back of my neck were, i told you it was eczema. That it was probably some hives that would go away if i left it alone but i lied. They were cuts. But i didnt want to tell you because i knew you would be ashamed and concerned and i didnt want that. So i told you it was a rash. And you believed that. I learned that day to stop wearing my hair up. To always cover up the parts of my body that showed every war lost with myself. I learned that day to treat my body less like an open battleground, and more like a designated warzone, parts not visible to the human eye became my scared temple where i burned the holy scriptures of my skin.
When i told you at 15 that i was no longer a ******, i wasnt kidding. But i did leave out the bits of uncertainty i had felt in the moments when i had given myself away, i left out the hesitation that i had never even had a chance to proclaim, *** came as quickly to me as anything else and i never had even had a moment to think about. I dont even know if at the time i wanted it, all i know is that when it happened i was too high to question it so i didnt. I never told you that i never knew how to say no.
No. That was the answer to whenever i begged to do things far beyond my age. But i always found a way around it. Like when i told you i was sleeping at haleys every night and i really slept over at the house of whatever boy i dated that summer, i still dont know how you never caught on. I sometimes i wonder if you did. If maybe you knew it all and respected me enough, trusted me enough to pretend you didnt, i didnt deserve all of the trust you lent me. But i learned from it. Without the freedom to **** up and grow i dont think i would have the capacity to know what i do now. Mom and dad i want to thank you for giving me the space to figure out how to get up when i fall down. I want to thank you for keeping me close enough to breathe the same air but not close enough to suffocate, mom and dad there are still things you dont know. But in order to hear most of those things youll have to wait.

Pablo Neruda wrote too many love poems
Almost all about how someone compares to the ocean
But he forgot
The often times both human
And nature
Are more storm than calm
The sea is reckless and unforgiving
And already there are too many writings
About softness and sweet
Too many sonnets about gentle
Love
Is not gentle
Love grabs from the roots and pulls with savage hands
Demands to be more than just flower
More than white petal admiration
Love is thorn and finger-pricking
Bleeding palms and heavy skin
Love
Is often ugly
And I am wondering how
Neruda found it possible
To find so much beauty in it
How it is possible
To write so much beauty
I can only guess
That he must have had a love
Greater than most
A love that molded his heart into convection oven
Spitting his words into saccharin and sweet
Candy for the world to savor in their mouths
Maybe he always wrapped his language in gold
Or maybe it's just that he saw what others couldn't
Found spark in the ordinary
Somehow managed
To string together letters in crochet
Sew them into masterpiece
I want a love
That can make me do the same
I still think Neruda
Wrote too many love poems
But it makes sense
When you are told to write what you know
And all you know
Is love.

Do not fall for my words
Do not admire my writing
And do not lust after my poetry
It is incapable
Of loving back

Love me instead.

I want so badly
To be able
To touch you
But you are water
While I am fire
And due to the laws
Of physics
We will never
Collide.

There are a million ways
To hurt someone
You seem to know them all.

I dreamt of you last night
For the first time in weeks
You once told me
That the thought of my body
Intertwined with yours
And the hope of us
Lulled you to sleep
In the mornings you would call just to tell me
That you saw me again
I'd ask you
How I looked
You would tell me
Lovely
You always looked better
In my dreams too
In insomnia
In late nights of why aren't you here
I knew the answer to the question
Before it left my mouth
Your heart was a house
With a two year lease belonging to someone else
I asked if she knew how lucky she was
To be able to live in you
A part of me always knew
That the reality of our combination
Was so far off from real
Our whispered promises
And breathless futures
Were nothing beyond fault line
I never should have crossed yours to begin with
Your voice
Still rings in my ear
Your leaving
Still fresh with sting
So abrupt in its existence
I used to count the days to you
What a foolish thing to do
When there was never a set date
I asked
When you were coming home
Forgot
That I wasn't yours to come home to
I would have locked my doors if I had known
You were just coming in to break things
And leave
You wondered if we could ever make it
Some nights I almost forget
You didn't stay to find out
Some nights
I see you
Last night
Was the first time in weeks
I don't remember
How you looked
Or exactly what happened
Only your words
And that you said
You are still waiting
For me

What a silly,
Silly,
Dream.

I have been wanting
To wash my mouth out with soap
Bathe in arsenic
Shower in ethanol
Let it burn against my skin
I have been trying
To rid myself of every ounce of him
I have been picking at my skin
Pulling at my insecurites
Wondering how anyone
Could ever want someone like this
Worrying if anyone
Will ever want someone like this
Will ever want something that has been broken so many times before
I have reattached my limbs
Too many times to count
My wounds are not visible enough
To ward off admirers
But every word that slips out of my mouth
Is tangled with the weight of story
******* with the lines of a revelation
That I will never be able to fully write
I wonder
If every suffering was glued to my skin
Would you still find me beautiful
If my tattoos were passage to destruction
Would you still want to cross paths
I will never be a blank canvas
I have far too many paint splattered stains to ever be new again
I will never be a clear picture
I will never be art making history
I am only Pompeii in my destruction
In my catalysmic nature
But I am building myself back up
From the ash I've kept inside me
Rooting myself deeper
So I can learn how to stretch my arms out further
So I can learn to trust
I am hopeful
That there is future brighter than past
That salvation
Will be easier to swallow
If it is handed to me
By loving hands.

My way with words
Will never be enough
To turn my weakness into confidence
To twist my self-doubt into any kind of self-worth
Just because
I know how to make words seem pretty
Does not mean
I know how to feel like I am
Like I am ****
Like I am anything to be desired
My ability to write love poems
Is the closest thing I will ever have
To love itself
Is the closest thing I will ever have to stability
I am always inbetween
Always temptress
Never only
Only lover on the side
I crave to be more
Crave to be cradled by hands
That are not just temporary
I have never known permanence well
And am sick of watching people go
Sick of goobyes
Of false promises
Of not now but later
Of we'll be together someday
I do not live in light of the future
Only now
Only present
Day by day
Again and again
I have been told
That eventually I will be the sole patron of an unvacant heart
But waiting is not my strong suit
And I have sacrificed too much already
Without receiving anything in return
I give away parts of me
And save nothing for myself
I do not know the outcome of it all
But if I could write my own destiny
If I could write my own romance novel
I would put myself in happy ending
Put myself in his arms
And never leave.

This skin that I live in
Has not always been home
When people ask me why I have turned my body
Into a canvas
Into a picture printed piece of art
I respond
With a smile
And a shrug
But I know that the reasons
Go much deeper in me than the needle has
That there is
A volcano explanation
Waiting to errupt from my mouth
But it is not worth the energy
So I lift my shoulders up
And let them fall back down
I am often asked
What I would do
If I woke one morning
With regret burning inside of me
Filling my lungs like smoke from a wildfire
What I would do
If I learned to hate
The self-inflicted artwork that adorns my limbs
My response to that is not one I can cover with a laugh and a movement
Too many times
Have I awoke with a hatred for myself
So strong
That I've had to water it down with whiskey
Too many times
Right before my eyes
Have I seen my skin morph into alien green
Into stranger's clothing
Unfamilarity becoming a familiar concept
When people ask me
About fear of regret
I want to tell them
That my only fear
Is not having any
That if
A drawing on my skin
Is my biggest remorse
Than lucky I will be
I am told
That when I get old
When my skin is
Wrinkled and worn from
Years of experience
I will be embarassed of the photo albums glued to my body
But if I live long enough
To tell the stories
Of my limbs
If I live that long
I will know that
At that young age
It was
And
They were
Exactly what I wanted
I would rather have
A painted complexion
Than a vacant blank page
Rather have
An ocean of color
Than a sea of scars
If the filling of ink in my pores
Is a step towards
Learning to love myself
Then who cares
My tattoos do not read ****
Do not read rebel
Trouble
I have hope written all over me
And that is something
I do not plan
On regretting
My body
Is something
That I do not plan on regretting
I am trying
To make this house a home again
I am determined
To find shelter
Under this leaking roof
I am determined
To become
A masterpiece
Because I know
I am
A masterpiece.

I cannot be sure
That your hands
Will be able
To wipe the uncertainty from my eyes
Do not know
If your lips will taste of promise
Or let down
Wonder
If trust
Will feel complacent
In your arms
But I
Am lending myself enough room
To find out
I am
Replacing stability
With risk
Placing hope
Over experience
With the intent
That
It will word
I do not know
If the outcome
Will be
As expected
But I am willing
To take
Your word.

The real reason
We'll never work out
Is that I'm into you
And you're into yourself.

The thing that *****
About relationships
Is that you either break up
Or get married
To be honest
I am not quite sure
Which terrifies me more.

I am the kind of person
To write love poems for someone I just met
Thinking that maybe words can make up for my lack of confidence
My quirkiness
My overwhelming insecurities
And that awkward laugh that often escapes my mouth without warning
Phrases eager to leave my lips
I compose sonnets without thinking
Sew them on to jean pockets so that
Everytime you get undressed
You think of me
I don't know if that's socially acceptable
But I'm willing to take the risk
See
I am the person
Who fears coming off as creepy
Yet still hands out lines of poetry like candy on street corners
I swear my purpose
Is not
To reel you in
Capture you between spiderwebs spun from my fingertips
My intentions are honest
I am not looking for one night stand
Meaningless
Not on a constant hunt for momentary happiness
I want something that will last longer than sweetness
Longer than saccharin
Hit harder than whiskey
Won't leave a bitter aftertaste on my tongue
I have drowned too many times in salty waters
To know that I am more likely to sink than float
I have not yet learned how to swim in the deep end
I do not know how many attempts it will take to get to the center of me
There is no sweet middle
Waiting to be divulged
I have blocked off the pathways to myself
Not very often do I open them back up
I have a sign tied around my body stating
Warning
Do not enter
You might get stuck
I have a heart that is filled with quicksand and duct tape
The longer you stay around the harder it is
For me to let go
I am not trying to trap people
But everytime they leave,
A part stays with me
I have a photo albums on the insides of my skin
Sometimes the memories flowing through my veins pile up
And it is too much
All at once
I am the kind of person
Who runs towards sharp edges of opportunity with open arms
And then complains about the bleeding
I am the kind of person
Who can't help but repeat
Repeat
Everything I feel
Until I don't feel it anymore
I have promised myself
That I will stop falling at first sight
I have hit my head relentlessly
With severity
Too many times
But has never been enough for me to stop
None of this
Has ever been enough for me to stop
I am the kind of person
To write love letters
And never send them
Keeping them behind locked doors
Keeping them
For myself
To remember every detail
I am the kind of person
That may never know
How exactly
To love
I am still learning
How to love
Myself.

I am not the girl that most want to love
I am a siren at all times
Full volume blasting
I do not keep my words bottled up
I have far too many
And not enough places to store them
Instead
I am vocal
Wear my ripped out heart on my sleeve
Still bleeding from the times
I've had to bury it back inside of me
I have dug it out on various occasions
Only to sew it back again
I have never much of a repairman
My veins are blue
With the stories that coarse through my body
I have so many
That sometimes I worry I will burst
Fragile skin turned volcano
Lava running through my bones
I am not gentle
Or sweet
Rather harsh
And honest
I am not a sugar coated mixed drink
But
Bourbon taken straight from the bottle
I am bitter
With a tendency to burn throats
And leave headaches
I am unapologetic
In my ****** ways
Do not call me sweetie
When I am the farthest thing from candy
I will leave a forest fire in your mouth
Melt down everything in my path
And still not know how to say sorry
I am anything but
Polite
I am stubborn, taurus, bull
Anything but amiable
I am not the girl your mother ordered
I am the one she warns you about
I am more medusa than aphrodite
I am not goddess
Nor princess
I do not yearn to be swept off my feet
Simply to be desired
For more than just one night
Nicotine lovers that want only momentary bliss
You will not get me momentarily
I cling like black ash on white sheets
Smoke that stays in the air
Leaving you gasping for breath
I am not the doe-eyed
Day wandering
Innocence that men crave
I am not delicate
Not silk
Rough to the touch
Spikes that can ***** yku
But my edges smooth over
When I love
And when I love,
I love hard
I am not the girl
That most want to love back
I am not one to stand out
I am an opal among diamonds
I do not need to shine
In order to know that I'm beautiful
I am an oak among palms
I am hoping that someday
Someone will be able to admire my wood
Scars and all
I am not the girl that most want to love
I am not the girl
I am not
I am
Girl
I am human
I am willing to open my wide reaching arms
Willing to let down my titanium plated guard
Mold my brass knuckles back into bone
Turn my metal wired fists into string that you can wrap around your fingertips
I am willing to ease
But I am not
Willing to change
I am not the girl that most want to love
I am a tree in a forest full of split branches
I am not the girl that most want to love
But I am anything
But
Hollow.

I have a tendency
To gravitate towards things
I cannot have
I am in a constant battle with
Air particles
Blocking their attempts
To bring me closer to you
But i cannot have you
Therefore
I am constantly
Fighting against gravity
But Einstein once said
That gravity cannot be blamed
For people falling in love
So instead
I'll just blame
You.

Remember that time

I made you lay down in the street with me

I was stubborn enough that you finally did

And I know you thought I was crazy

But the stars that night were crazier

And the only way to see them was to look up

So I held my ground and stayed there

Until we were both looking straight above


And I said what is life if you don’t take risks

You said I don’t know because I do

And the best risk I’ve ever taken

Was falling in love with you