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Danielle Shorr Apr 2015
Like the world is flooding and I've forgotten how to swim
The concrete has become cactus shell against bare feet and all of my shoes have suddenly disappeared
Everything I chew on instantly becomes broken glass
Water swallows like acid
The drawers don't shut, even when empty
The shower wont stop dripping in rhythmic taunting, keeping me awake at night
My teeth turn to sand every time they meet
The only thing I can taste is blood
All attempts at language come out in hiccups
I am walking with fifty pound dead weights as legs
My stomach is in my mouth
My mouth is a room without a door
My tongue is the elephant in it
There are children screaming on every corner
The pavement is too slippery for steady movement
At all hours of the day my alarm clock plays in the background
Hair is forming bird nest piles on my desk
My umbrella breaks when it's raining
There are tightening hands around my swollen neck
The memory of how to breathe is fading in my head,
I can't remember how to use these lungs of mine, their function has reached its limit
When did the ground below me start shifting, and
How can I make it stop?
Danielle Shorr Apr 2015
His laugh, a summer carnival, spinning rides that make our stomachs do the same, cheeks kissed soft rose by blush of winter air, hands dyed permanent blue from weather, the absence of circulation, rough palms but soft touch, a red nose when seasons change, the outline of muscle pushing through skin, hair pale from the sun, and too much patience, always

My silk sewn blanket from childhood tucked into bed with me every night

The dog with a slobbering mouth and a human-like smile

The German Shepard with a grizzling bark mistaken for violent

He tells me,
"I don't wanna love somebody else"
He says,
"I don't know how to"

The copper guitar pick, the candle we dip wax fingers in, the Polaroid print from an angry night out, my crumpled side of the sheets

I grab the back of my neck like the hold of it will keep me grounded
I bite my lip until it bleeds for a sense of familiar pulling

In between the pages of a dust-covered book, kept quietly on a shelf,
This,
is where I hide love.


I am piling these moments like unread obituaries, unnoticed loss to someday be recovered
Maybe these deaths were never written down to begin with

Off somewhere in mountains, a place I could not pinpoint on a map, the outline is as faded as time has swallowed us whole

I still sleep wrapped up in childhood but the nightlight is missing now

A grave by a train track holds the body of the animal that grew up with me

I am no longer fearful, but understanding of creatures and the sounds they make, unknowingly

These words are lingering on a lightless street beneath the tree that holds all of our secrets, there is no place else for them to breathe open

Mementos of months without marking, I am thankful for not keeping track

When anxiety asks to speak to me,
I dig fingernails on thick skin above ink
I place a lip between teeth and
press down slightly

I tuck all of this away in a new home, miles from origin, path drawn like dots connected, it sits quietly on a shelf waiting

This is where I hide love for
If I ever go to look for it
Again
Danielle Shorr Apr 2015
I will love you without trying
Eyes closed, effortlessly
I will care too much
I will act like I don't at all
I will think about you more than I do myself
I will pretend that I'm not looking for anything
I will lie about the fact that I always am
I will tell you I'm okay
I will avoid admitting that I'm not
I will ask you how you are
I will actually care about your response
I will wait to respond to your text
I will make it seem like I am busy
I will not say I've been waiting
I will pay you more attention than I've ever gotten
I will give you all of me too easily
I will ask you what you need and be that
I will treat your smile like a privilege
I will want to play your laugh on repeat
I will admire it too much
I will try harder than I should
I will love you without trying
Eyes closed, effortlessly
And I will do it well.
Danielle Shorr Apr 2015
I think about how waking up
is an identical routine
after a restless night of shifting
The comforter meets the floor, there is
a single sock wrapped somewhere in the sheets
hair is tangled for a reason unknown
and everything in the bed somehow became a mess
This is how it is, always

I think about how not wanting to get up
usually follows the waking and
falling back asleep always seems like
a better option than getting out of bed
to face the world
but I do anyway, we do
anyway

But I think it would be easier,
this rise to consciousness,
if you were the alarm clock calling to a new day, if
your body were to lay parallel to mine and
the tossing meant I could catch you every time you turned
It would be a privilege to know your morning breath

It would be a privilege to forget your presence in sleep and then
wake to find you next to me

It would be a privilege to be yours the way it is
to watch the sun rise everyday while
knowing it will always set in the evening
there is comfort in predictability,
there is beauty in monotony,
and calm in knowing what will happen
tomorrow
Danielle Shorr Apr 2015
I could be sober with you
and I don't mean that lightly
I could stay up the entire night with you holding me, forgetting all surroundings, distractions
I'd watch the anxiety roll off my body into your hands as you set it aside gently
You always seem to know how
to mold my discomfort into feeling safe
And I know I am

I could be happy with you
And I don't often think that with others
But your body is a home I'd like to call my own
I can see a full row of sunflowers blooming on our energy only
We could grow gardens from the glow of our touching

I could be wide-awake with you
And I don't say that frequently
I would **** every ounce of life out of my body to give to you
I'd stay up till morning watching the sunrise, listening to the back alley voices outside my window
I'd sacrifice an entire night of sleep just to hear you speak

I could listen to you for hours
Your words, your voice, your melodies
You are a song on repeat I know I could never stop liking
You've taken over my mind and it's a problem I don't mind having

I'm an addict for people, for hearts, for intimacy, for touch and
You are exactly what I could thrive on
I would empty a bottle of wine for lack of necessity
I could drown in your skin,
Feed off your lips,
Your laugh,

I am full on just being here
There is no need for substance
I could easily be drunk on you
and
only you
Danielle Shorr Apr 2015
Ask
I'd like to say I don't think of you
That you don't cross my mind until your name crosses my screen
And only then do I take the time to care

I'd like to say that I don't
That I haven't devoted any energy to wasting
That it is all too precious to give away to anything but positivity

I'd like to say I would need to think twice if you asked to see me
But I know too well that I wouldn't
I'd say yes
okay
of course
when
All without asking why

I don't know why some people come back and trust me when I say I want to
But I would without question welcome you with open arms and no hesitation
I wouldn't even pause to wonder why you left in the first place

I'd like to say that I'm happy,
That this heart is a filled balloon and there is enough oxygen for me to breathe easy
But sometimes I find myself suffocating on what I don't understand

I am scared that I could so easily let you back in the way I always swear I'll never do again
But I have and I do and I probably will
All you need to do is ask
And I'd say yes,
okay,
of course,
when?
Danielle Shorr Apr 2015
Today I am human
Today I got two legs out of bed to face a world that is sometimes cold
Today I walked tired feet just to make sure they still do their job right
Today I ran fingers through hair and remembered there were teeth to brush, a face to wash
Today I woke to a bottle of water half full by my nightstand
Today I drank it's contents with a handful of vitamins
Today I remembered the importance that breakfast holds so I had it
Today I dressed a body that now and then can feel unfamiliar
Today I pushed the sheets back on the bed to make it almost neat
Today I fluffed a pillow to its full extent
Today I put lotion to skin that is too dry from the California sun
Today I put gas in my car
Today I fed myself without guilt
Today I filled my stomach with meals instead of anxiety
Today I breathed
Today I sighed
Today I did what most consider to be routine, but is so much more to me
All of these simplicities are proof of surviving
Doing so is not always easy
But I do
Today I lived even if I did so quietly
Today I am alive
And tomorrow I will be as well
Tomorrow I will say thank you to today
Tomorrow I will appreciate the effort of before
Tomorrow I will be too proud for too little
Tomorrow I will repeat
Tomorrow I will try again
Tomorrow I am human.
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