I remember my father's lips, still ripe from spitting the word cancer
His inner conflict finally released
How to tell his only daughter
Of the possibility she could lose her father
I do not know if I cried
I cannot remember
I remember the first time he told me
More so than I remember the second
His uncertainty was what terrified me most
But he told me that regardless of the situation
Everything will work out
How it is meant to work out
I nodded because I knew it would

I remember my father’s sunken eyes
This was the only time I had seen him at a point so low
Loss has a way of pulling people down
I couldn’t help but wonder if he cried
When he found my uncle's lifeless body
On the floor of his city apartment
I wonder if he sat there for a few minutes
Mourning the death of someone who never truly knew how to live
My uncle was bipolar
And everyday
Was a battle he fought with himself
A never-ending rollercoaster
Of highs and lows
Ups and downs
My father said
Maybe now he was at peace
I nodded because I knew he was

My father’s countenance
Says more than his words ever do
His expressions speak louder than language
I understand the writing on his face
I understand it all
Maybe it’s because ours are so similar in structure
Our almond eyes symmetrical
His smile, my smile
Mirror images
I know his attributes
More so than I know myself
I know him
More so than I know myself
He says we are one in the same
I nod because I know we are.

I fuel my lungs with oxygen
Work them with cardio
And then destroy them with cigarettes
I am a walking,
Talking,
And somehow still breathing,
Contradiction.

The reality is
You are too busy
For someone
Who has all of the time in the world.

Do not make false promises to a girl
Who is more familiar with letdown
Than she is herself
Do not tell her that you will call
When you know you wont
Her heart will begin to sync with ringtone
Skip with the sound of it
And drop every time it isn't you
When it is you
Do not say you will make it up to her
With tomorrow
And the next
She is still stuck on yesterday
Do not build her up with falsity
She has fallen too many times before
There have been too many disasters
Too many highs turned crash
And her heart becomes a lit cigarette
Burning down into nothing
She is not completely intact
And you are well put together
Do not take any of her pieces
You have enough as is
Do not give her any of yours
If you intend to take them back
Even if it is for one night
Do not love her
Or pretend to
It is much easier to fake intimacy
Than it is to erase it
Her skin is photographic memory
Every touch engrained within
There is no forgetting
So when you do leave
You will have left your mark

When she waits for you
She will do so eagerly
With patience
Her heart will skip too many beats
When you let her fall
And you are not there to catch her
She will learn to pick herself up
Brush off the dust
And move on
When you wait for her
You will know just how strongly
Time tugs on the heartstrings
You will hear her name
Every time your phone rings
You will see her everywhere
But she will not be there
She got tired of waiting around.

Do not ask me
Why I have trust issues
Ask everyone who has ever left.

For the girl who doesn't know how to say no:

I have been a version of you too many times
I have worn your body on frequent occasions
Always physically neutral, stock-still
Denying purpose into static
Eyes open
And breathing
I know exactly how it is
To not know how to refuse
Or resist when rough palms press on your skin
I know how it is
To feel there is no other option
But to lie still while eager hands pull at your body
Uninvited lips stepping into your mouth
How quickly a tongue becomes a weapon
I know it all too well
It is iron-clenched fists
It is unforgiving friction
And disintegration becomes second nature
For a girl whose limbs
Are already paper-made
Stares burned into too many white walls
A woman watching her own shadow
And the word no never escapes the vocal chords
Because there is never a question to answer to
It is assumed
That our shared pulse is enough yes
And consent is an easy thing to ignore
When it is hardly ever asked for
Men are taught to halt
Only if it is preceded by screeching
I wonder how many silent cries
Are covered by darkness and heavy breathing

This is for the girl
Who doesn't know how to say no
For the girl who chokes on her words before they can leave her lips
For the girl who freezes in uncomfortable situations
For the girl who has played mime too many times
For the girl who has been made surface to sandpaper hands
For the girl who is always vocal
But in a single instant became victim to chokehold silence

This is for you
I have been a version of you too many times
I have worn the fingerprints on your phosphorescent skin
I have pulled off your clothing after a night of detachment
I see you in every mirror I look into
Every stained glass reflection
I hear you every time he doesn't ask
It is so easy
To forget you have a voice
But I know with certainty that you do
I know
That you understand the stillness
The quiet
The hush
The absence of language
Words held hostage
You are the only one
Who bares the heaviness of night kneeling on your chest
The added weight from all those
Who have touched you without permission
I want you to know
I would carry it for you
If I could
I want you to know
It is not your fault
That your calmness
Is often mistaken for compliance
It is not your fault
That you so quickly fall paralyzed
Playing statue may seem
Like the easy way out
But you were never meant
To stand still
We are built to listen through our bones
Your voice is a million vibrations
Received through the skin
You were made
To howl our names into the ground
Until the forest shakes its trees to their death
And no one is around
To hear it.

The second night we spent together
Was in a warm apartment in the city of angels
You, laying on the couch
Windows open letting the summer air in
And I, dancing around the room
With a bottle of maker's mark in hand
Taking swigs with every chuckle
I laughed as I made my way on to your lap
Your arms holding me like you already knew me
We had only been together a week
But every day felt like an added year
You were so familiar
And on the first night we spent together
Our failed attempts to drift off turned into to talking
You leaned close
And asked about my life
We spoke effortlessly as strangers
Just to become less strange
You listened as I relived every moment
Every second feeling infinite
You told me
You never wanted to leave
That you wanted to stay and make home in my body
I would have let you
But the next day you boarded your flight back to New York City
Your eyes promising return
I said goodbye like I always do,
So accustomed to leaving

It has been three months since that day
And sometimes we talk
Your voice sounding the same as it did in my ear
Only now we are separated
By time zones and reality
Our lives both consumed by busy
There is only so much time in the day to miss someone
And I spend almost all of mine missing you
Thinking back to the night you held me like temporary did not exist
Your touch felt permanent ink on my skin
I bet if you looked hard enough
You would find your fingerprints as evidence
There was no caution tape with you
I let down my guard in an instant
And wore vulnerable
You told me
It looked nice on me
I said that you,
Would look nice on me
You are still so far
But one day when you return
We will start again
A new bottle of whiskey
And only future ahead of us
Until then
I will be here waiting patiently
For you
To come back to me.