I keep old movie stubs in my pockets
Polaroids
Concert tickets
Loose mints
Half pieces of gum
And the fortunes from cookies I ate at my favorite chinese restaurant
The one nestled between a church and a thrift shop
I keep an abundance
Of miscellaneous items
I like the reminders
Remembering
What was important to me at the time
And even though
I keep these things
I am not a hoarder
I am a collector
Of memories
Of moments
Of past that I refuse to let go of
I hold on
Much longer than I should
Fold every sweet second
Into the palm of my hand
And save them for later
Saving the sun for overcast days
Saving light
For nights when the darkness is too much
It is my memories
That keep me alive
But the same ones
Could very well
Be the death of me
I am a collector
Of both things good and bad
I hold on
Much longer than I should
But happiness
Does not have an expiration date
And there is always reason
To reflect
To smile
At a piece of paper
A picture
A note
Something
Anything
That once held significance
People change
Locations change
Life
Changes
But inanimate objects
Stand still even when time does not
I am a collector
And I am attempting to preserve
The fading.

I am homesick for your arms
Your touch
How we lay intertwined in bed
So effortlessly
Your body
Is more of a house
Than the one I live in
I know it so well
I could close my eyes
And see every inch
Your body
Is a road map
I have spent hours memorizing
I know every ridge of your skin
Every curve
I have traced the trail
That leads to your lips
Over and over again
You are so familiar
That without you
I miss you
But what I miss more,
Is the way I felt with you
Comforted
And at ease
I have always loved this
About you
I have loved you
For the longest time
And although we will not be together
For quite some time
I will always remember your warmth
Your softness
Keep it in my back pocket
And pull it out on days where I feel lost
I have yet to find
Another face of stubble
That is as gentle
As yours
There is not a soul
As sweet
As yours
Your arms
Are the only pair
That can soothe me to sleep
And I am homesick for them.

I have always been terrified of driving
I confided this to you in our second conversation
This city
Has an abundance of bad drivers
And the way the road twists and turns
Makes my stomach do the same
Anxiety takes over my body
And I become a worried wreck
That night in July
I had to drive home late,
Worn from a busy day
You assured me that I would be alright
Called me to make sure I was okay
Talked to me patiently as I made my way home
Your voice calming
Turning my worries into laughter
You told me you would take me anywhere
I could just sit back and relax
That you would love nothing more than to have one hand on the steering wheel
And the other on my thigh
I pictured it
Pictured you next to me
Windows down
Wind blowing through my hair
And your palm on my hot skin
Moving with ease
The thought of it
Almost made me crash
The though of it
Took every ounce of nervous off of my shoulders
And sent me into a spiral of wanting
I wanted you
So terribly
Worse than any anxiety I had ever known
And my biggest fear
Was the thought of you leaving
I used to be scared
Of car accidents and collisions
Terrified of the crash
I am not afraid anymore
I do not hold my breath any longer
I do not tense up
Instead I am calm
I am not afraid anymore
My greatest fear already came true
And it had nothing to do
With losing control of my car
It had to do
With losing you
You left
Just like I feared you would
Just like you said you wouldn't
You left
I am now learning
How to let go
I drive easier
Knowing the worst already happened
I am not afraid anymore.

I don't know how to ask you to leave
When at the same time
I want you to stay.

I am homesick
For a place
I have not yet found.

I still look for you
Everywhere
I am looking for myself
Too.

It takes a certain kind of person
With a certain kind of sickness
To be able to break others
So unapologetically

Congratulations.