When you hold me the first time
I will not be still
My bones have not learned how to be stiff
And my limbs are accustomed to being on edge
My insides are made of vibrations that do not pause
Even in serenity
Comfort I've learned does not always mean calm
I've been touched by too many unwanted hands
Taken too many times without granted permission
When you hold me the first time
My body will be alert
Even if my soul is still
I will be a whirlwind of movement
And untrusting gestures
Placidity is not written into the lines of my skin
I am lightning bolts
Asking you to be my rain
So when you hold me
The first time
Know that you are holding
A storm.

To the boys who just want to touch me
You must know that I am not a momentary happiness type of person
Overthinking is my forté
My name is not chastity
Nor is it easy rather
Difficult and complicated
Hard to crack open
There is no sweet center waiting to be divulged
I am more like the sun
A ball of pure fire that burns at the touch
Anxious at the thought of unfamilar palms and fingertips
Meant to be admired from a distance
I will warn you not to get close to me
For magnets swim in my blood
And I cling to no extent
I am
Surrounded by a force field
I do not let down my guard
So if you want to touch me
You must first
Learn to love me.

I am still waiting for the day
When I can look at you
And feel nothing

19/30
My memories do not corrode
Incapable of being broken down
Sap stuck to the branches of my mind
I remember it all
The first time your fingertips grazed the ridges of my back
How your breath felt speaking silence onto my neck
I remember it all
The nostalgia once sweet to me
Now tastes bitter
I've learned
To swallow it down quickly
In order to
Prevent it from coming back up
My memories are trapped in the lyrics of
Songs we used to play on repeat
Ones that
Used to define the whole moon that we were
That are now
Merely a crescent of what you left me
I am still trying
To figure out who I was
Before I padlocked every door of myself that I once kept wide open
I have learned that
My memories do not rust
So I am still trying to figure out
How we became iron
I am still trying
To figure out
How I could still long for something
That was never truly gold.

I once read
That in 7.6 billion years
The sun
Having reached its maximum size
Will shine 3,000 times brighter
Than it does now
I have always wondered
How it is possible
To know such a thing
When 100 years
Is beyond a lifetime
How we could possibly
Look so far into the future
When now seems like an eternity
And tomorrow is miles away
How can we embrace the moment
When we are constantly being told to plan ahead
And what's the point
Of waiting 7.6 billion years
When the sun is already
Shining
And the moon
Already loves her?

Dear depression,
When did you become pretty?
For as long as I have known you
You have never been anything more than
Thorns on sticks thrown in my way
And sharp rocks underneath my bare feet after I have built up the courage to walk alone
At times you have left me ****** with
Bruises and scars that wrap around my body like barbed wire
You have never been anything more than a metal fence amidst a beautiful garden
You have never been anything more
Than ugly
So I wonder who
Could have possibly thought you worthy enough
To place you on a pedestal
And paint makeup on a face that has damaged so many
I wonder how
Someone
Somewhere
Thought you good enough
To make you into a novel
When you are anything but romantic
How anyone
Could ever find you desirable enough
To want to take you on a date
When all you do is lurk in the shadows behind lovers
You are nothing but
Unwanted
So whoever it is that decided
That you deserve a spotlight
When all you've ever done is inflict darkness
Clearly
Has never met you
Dear depression
Society might have made you feel pretty
But one thing I can promise
Is that you will never be
Prettier than me.

Do not get yourself into trouble
I have been told this too many times before
Warned that my clothing
Or lack of
Is enough to justify another person's actions
What I have been told by my mother
What she means
In much simpler words
Is
Don't get *****

My mother's concern is understood
I am 5'1 and do not breathe fire out of my mouth as I would wish to
I am not a master in the art of
Self defense
Only sarcasm
And making myself look pretty enough
To catch the wandering eyes of men
But neither of these
Are invitations
To my body

What my mother is saying
When she says don't get yourself into risky situations
Is don't drink
Because if you do
It then becomes your fault
As if the increase of alcohol
In my blood
Makes me more responsible
For another mans decisions to take what is rightfully mine

What my mother is saying
Is that it is okay to look good
But not good enough
For someone to want you that way
How do i tell her
That ****
Is not about what you look like
Or what you wear
That it is solely
About power

My mother tells me to cover up
Implying that ****
Has something to do with
The appearance of my *******
Or curviness of my hips
Tell me mother
If this is true
Why do millions of girls worldwide
Who are covered head to toe
Get ***** daily
How is it that
They can be fully clothed
Yet still stripped of their dignity
Constantly

To me
The worst part is
That we teach women how to protect
More often
Than we teach men to not touch
Do you know mother
How dangerous it is
To give out these warnings
As a disclaimer

It is a dangerous thing
To play games with blame
Politicians do
A good enough job of it already
Therefore
We do not need our own mothers
To do so as well

What we need
Is for our mothers
To tell their sons
About
Boundaries
And teach them
That consent
Is not written
Into the lines
Of shown skin
On a woman's body

What we need mother
Is to stop the defense
Of actions that have no predecessor
What we truly need
Is to stop telling our daughters
That they are responsible
For preventing the doings
Of someone who was never taught
That no means no.