Oh ****
Oh ****
Oh ****
This is the deepest wound that I've cut
My skin split apart and the blood's dripping out
And everything's starting to turn dark

I'm scared.

But I guess that's what razor blades do
The imprint you,
They scar you of every battle that has formed you
Broken you.
They burn remembrance into your blood
And it just pools up and it floods
Exiting through the gashes you've made
Actions reflected from sorrow and self hate
The cuts were just a twisted form of fate
And they are and they will be
Just an escape from the world for a second.

But only a second.

Because once the blood flow ends,
The flow of thoughts take it's place.
Even while its bleeding your mind is there thinking.
The words come from events
The inspiration comes from the cuts
The blood
The bandages.

And then there's the pain.

But I guess that's what razor blades do
The imprint you,
They scar you of every battle that has formed you
So you can never ignore them
The memories are scared into your skin.
But scars must come from healed wounds
And healed wounds must come from self injury
And self injury must come from self hatred
And self hatred can end your life.

I hate myself.

because i know.
you're better than drunken weekdays,
and ******* lines on the bathroom counter,
because you can can flourish faster
than the marijuana plant in the corner.
but what is live fast
die young
if your summer nights aren't filled with dreams
because the alcohol clouds your vision.

you're worth more than one night stands
and that cigarette between your teeth
but satisfaction is an inadequate mask for need,

and desire just gets us into trouble.

I’m paranoid that I’m being watched every second of everyday,
I’m paranoid that people can hear every word I say,
I’m paranoid that when someone likes me,
it’s fake,
and I’m paranoid that they’re all gonna leave one day.
I’m paranoid that I’m gonna die in my sleep.
I’m paranoid that everyone wants me dead.
I question every little thing if it’s reality,
or if it’s a lie that got out of hand.
I'm paranoid to talk to people in fear of rejection,
I’m paranoid to fall in love.
I might seem strong on the outside,
but my mind is just jumbled up lyrics that don’t make a song,
and thoughts that just keep echoing on and on,
life is a nightmare,
death is a dream,
because I’m scared things are not what they seem.
I want to open up my brain,
see what’s inside,
see if I really am out of mind.
What makes me tick,
what made my thoughts sick,
am I fixable,
or just a test of time,
will I get worse,
will I get better,
will my thoughts be forever jumbled together.
I want to know what makes us think what we do,
what controls our feelings,
our minds,
and holds them correctly like glue.
What fell out of place,
what happened in that empty space,
that our minds now fill with jumbled thoughts and different perceptions.
I want to fix me,
I want to know what I really am,
without these horrible thoughts haunting me,
taunting me,
without all the things that make me paranoid.

you've perfected
the maze
to my
heart.
but the way out,
I'll be surprised
if you
find your
way.

             d.s.

can you write a six word story?
bad people have soul mates too
another story please. this is fun.
don't trust reality, it doesn't exist
love doesn't exist, just like reality
i don't exist, no one does
my heart aches because you're sad
don't, my sadness has become me
you're amazing! not made of sadness
perhaps in your eyes, not mine
why don't you let happiness in
i don't know, i never have
happiness is natural, this is not.
i see life as it is
look again. there's so much more.*
i don't glorify what isn't there

I would like to say
that I know everything
about you.
But sadly, that's not true.
I may know that,
you don't believe in love,
and that body image  
doesn't matter to you,
and that you want to have  
a love child with Anderson Cooper.

But I don't know the simple things.

We never once
talked about what your
favorite color is.
Or what animal
it is you like best.
I'm not sure what
your favorite food is
or what you like for desert.

I know that,
you like to do math  
for fun,  
and that you used to be
in little league.
I remember you telling me  
you once climbed a mango tree,
and that's time  
you found out you were allergic.
I know that you pronounce
'English' with an 'a' at the beginning,
and
"secretly, I bought this song"
when Starships by Nicki Minaj
came on during the school dance.

I know so much about you
more than anyone really.
But I wish I knew  
what your favorite color is,
and what animal it is you like best.
But,
it seems a little too late to be asking such simple questions now,
doesn't it.

What if I told you the sadness wasn't going away,
And what if I chased a handful of pills with a bottle of *****,
And didn't show up the next day.
Would you even notice I wasn't there?
Would you even care?
Because I want to know how you would feel,
If you lost me.
Permanently.
Forever.

What's going on ?


All because I hoped that you'd be someone different
and I know that I was right,
you just gotta try.

Fear will always make you blind
especially if it's to love
But the answer is in clear view
It's amazing what you'll find face to face


I realized you weren't wrong,
about this, but
it was a mere illusion
it could be changed to a different conclusion.

Because
It really didn't make sense
Just to leave this unresolved
It's not hard to go the distance
when you finally get involved face to face


I don't know what to do
About this dream and you
I wish this dream comes true
I don't know what to do
About this dream and you
We'll make this dream come true

Why don't you play the game ?

I know that,
It might not be the right time
and I know that,
I might not be the right one.
But there's something about us.
There's something between us anyway.


We are human... after all,
we do have
Much in common. After all


Because if you
Buy it, use it, break it,
you
fix it,
don't
Trash it,*
you
change it, mail - upgrade it,

Charge it, point it, zoom it, press it,
Snap it, work it, quick - erase it,

Write about
it, cut it, paste it,
then you
save it,

We just have to  
Work It Harder
in order to
Make It Better
so that we can
Do It Faster,
and I know that it will
Make Us stronger.

More Than Ever
even a few
Hours After
But am sad to say, that
Our Work Is Never Over

But believe me then I say that
We've come too far
to give up who we are.
So let's raise the bar,
and our cups to the stars.

Just
One more time
if we can get it,
We're gonna celebrate.

You know we're gonna do it right
this time around,
It might not be
Tonight
but
Hey!
I'm
Just feelin'

It's been much too long,
since I felt this last
I feel it coming on
The feeling is in my bones

We just have to
Work It Harder
in order to
Make It Better
so that we can
Do It Faster,
and I know that it will
Make Us stronger.

Now,
lets just try to
live it,
because its
*the prime time of your life

26 letters make words
And words make sentences
And sentences make phrases
And phrases make paragraphs
And paragraphs make stories
And if you're lucky,
Stories turn into songs.

Songs state emotions
Emotions cause feelings
But feelings cause emotions
It's an endless repeating pattern of thoughts.
Thoughts make us human
But so does the brain
The heart
Pumping the life to our veins.
But why do we live
Why do we thrive
Why do we wonder about the time that goes by
Time is aging
Aging is growing
But growing means we eventually all die.
Why do we die
But why do we live
Why can't we control the pain that we give
To ourselves
To our lives
It all makes us cry
Why do we cry
Why do we tear
Why do we force ourselves to listen to things we don't want to hear
Why go through torture
Why go through sorrow
When death could easily be the best thing about tomorrow.

In seven days
six hours
twenty three minutes
and 5
     4
      3
       2
        1 seconds

I will lose you.

I will lose you,
because you will be farther
than we already are.
and we will be more broken,
than we have previously been.

We will be distanced,
by time,
and days,
and hours and minutes and seconds.

And I will lose you.

I will lose you to a world,
of higher education,
wilder parties,
and heavier drinking.

I will lose you,
to sluttier girls,
and drunken weekends,
after a long 5 days of studying.

I will lose you,
to stressful days
and sleepless nights,
and 19 cent ramen noodle meals.

I have lost you.
Physically.

But mentally,
loss seems unreal
You will always be on my mind,
and in my memory.
But in six days
five hours
twenty two minutes
and 5
     4
      3
       2
        1 seconds,
        
I will no longer be in yours.

You will lose me.

I don't have asthma
but I can't breathe

I gasp for a breath,
but the air wont enter my chest

This just isn't fair
breathing air that isn't there
when everyone around me is fine
I thought I'd be okay
without you not being mine

But my emotions just stopped,
delayed by time.
But now they come back in a flood
and I can't balance,
standing on perfectly steady ground,
but my head is spinning around

with the thought of you
sitting behind where I stand,
when I need you next to me,
holding me hand.

                    d.s

it's like
these gashes
and scrapes
mean nothing
to you

dosen't
this raw flesh
and blood make
my happiness
seem deceiving
to you?

my physical
self infliction
of injury
is not my only
harm

you are hurting
me mentally,
deeper than my cuts
could ever get

i used to fall in love with everyone,
until i fell in love with you.
now i can't even fall into like
with anyone who's brown eyes
can't project fairy tale fantasy's into my mind
and who's spine doesn't dent in,
like where the wings of a dark angel should be.
i can't if they don't have that voice,
that soothes my soul like aloe vera
and can smother me in peace
when our bodies our each others pillows.
because their fingers don't match
with the dents and curves of my knuckles
and their lips don't know the right places
to write love notes with saliva.
they don't know the right words
to slip into my drink of soft lips
to make me love them
while our tongues dance together in the dark.
because my heart has found its permanent happy place
and it lives in the left side of your ribs
right where yours was born.

I drew you a poem
with the dripping blood from my soul,
but the tears and the sadness
draped canvases before it was dried
and when it was released
from the sheets
there was a jumbled up mess
of confused phrases and letters
where the paint should have laid

Time freezes
lists are forming
deep in this abyss
    of shattered notes
and misinterpreted rhythms
the tones are all wrong
the strings being twisted
    around the wrong octave
forcing you into a cave
    of violent vibrations
with the beat off track
this isn’t how it’s supposed to be
this isn’t how it’s supposed to be
the lyrics are forming
    the wrong rhymes
the songs aren’t being
    sung on time
the individual beauty of sound
has been combined
    into a mess of just noise
being produced
    on the wrong records
being shipped
    to the wrong record stores
when it should be here with me
it should be here with me.

                       d.s

I notice that your lips move
when you lie to me.
I know about the secrets
you kept and denied, despite of me,
I wish you would have stayed
around and fought for me.
I want you to mean the words
you say when you're on top of me,
I know I hope too much
about things that aren't going to happen for me.
I know all in all
you're a bad person for me to want you to stay with me,
I find my heart couldn't
beat any faster when you lay with me.
I know we need to go
our separate ways, because you can't be with me,
I want you to see
the potential of what we could be if you belong to me.
I know for a fact that you
haven't treated anyone worse than you treated me.
I notice that every time
you say you're gonna leave, you always come back to me.



I've come to the conclusion
that you're a bad person,

but bad people have soulmates too.

I finally understand
what they mean,
when they say
you get addicted to a
certain kind of sadness.
Because now,
I am completely content.
But, I'm sad because,
I'm not sad.
I'm sad,
that I'm happy,
because it isn't because of you.
I now don't know
what to feel anymore.
Because I've found out that
I'd rather be sad because of you
I'd rather be happy because of you
than be sad,
or happy,
over anything else.

I don't want chance.

I’m not really sure if I’m me anymore.
I’m addicted to things I’ve never even done before.
I often find myself craving a cigarette,
Or just a bottle of Jack Daniel’s Whiskey.
I miss that feeling of sneaking out and walking the streets at night,
But that’s something I never have done.
I miss that feeling of holding a gun and pulling the trigger,
the sound as it makes as it backfires.
But I’ve never shot a gun before,
I’ve never smoked a cigarette,
I’ve never even seen a real bottle of whiskey,
just the ones displayed in bars.
But yet this urge, this “I could really use one of those right now” it’s the feeling of an addict.
I’m not an addict.

But yet, I could really use a cigarette right about now.

26 letters make words.
And if you find the right words,
You can form the right sentences.
And if you can manage to form the right sentences,
to make the best phrases,
you have made paragraphs.
And if you have enough paragraphs,
you turn them into 26 poems.

26 poems
telling 26 different stories
about the same buried feelings
That sometimes come out to play
The feelings within
That the lies have set in
With their power of desire and pain.
There is nothing left to gain
because gaining means experience
and I don't want to experience
events that will lead to the emotions
that I need to translate into
a flow of words
with a potently beautiful rhythm.
But,
I feel nothing
No combination of 26 letters
no words,
no phrases,
nothing can achieve the feeling
of this darkness.

but how can I move on
when your fingerprints are
still on my heart
and your voice still
resonates down to my toes
and your smile lives
in my eyes and
every time my mind wanders
it goes directly to you

I may be a bit high,
But I love you.
Even when I'm sober,
I'll still love you the same. 
I wanted to kiss you under the sprinklers because it's the closest we get to rain 
that will put my cigarette out if the sky starts crying 
like I have been since you left me 
to look at the stars by myself instead of holding your hand while I'm driving 
and you're asleep while I look at your eyelids gently fluttering every time we pass a street lamp 
that illuminates the most perfect face in the world 
that is cold like your arms without a long sleeve shirt and that's why I wear sweaters in the summer
that I'd hope to spend with you 
on adventures and maybe we can run through sprinklers again and this time pretend that it's rain pouring down our faces because my eyes look at you like you're the universe while yours look at me like I am a friend, I am a friend, who is in love with you, who now realizes that they are only just sprinklers, 
because,
it,
doesn't rain here.

The words I needed to hear that day
and all the days after that,
were the words I never heard from you,
the words you never said.
But I told them to myself,
using your voice inside my head,
because I wanted to forgive
the fact that you let
someone else sleep in your bed.

Forgive and forget they say,
but both are easier said than done,
when the anxiety walks around all day,
posing a threat
with a metaphorical smoking gun,
with that gun pointed to your chest,
causing it to cave in and collapse.

But at least for now,
at least for a while,
the treat is gone,
and so is the anxiety
that has made its home in my lungs
and my chest can expand like a normal person,
and for now the pain won't worsen,
because that gun ran out of ammunition,
at least for a few days,
at least for a while.

I let myself fall back into the
trap,
because you came back,
right on cue,
and I repeat again,
the words that you never said,
using your voice inside my head,
"I'm sorry, I cheated on you."

She thought the world was going to end.
So she climbed the tallest building she could find, ran up the nearest set of stairs.
She didn't even acknowledge the elevator a few steps away.
When she got to the roof access door, she opened it without hesitation.
She blocked out the sound of the fire alarm loudly trailing behind her determined strides.
She ran towards the edge of the building,
All while tears streamed down her face.
She reached the short protective ledge
Her hands trembled as the grabbed the top
But that didnt stop her from hoisting herself onto it without delay.
She didnt even stop to think
She knew her intention.
She didn't turn back.
She jumped from that ledge in a heartbeat
All while the traffic that was once below her feet,
goes about their day
Because the world kept spinning
and it didn't end for anyone.
Except for her.
But her world had already collapsed
It only ended when she jumped

but its not right
to tell me lies
and return
after shattered goodbyes.

and its not fair
that you told me
you loved me,
while I lay bare.
and
that you took my pictures
and told me that to you,
I was beautiful.

but
you hide me away
in the hole
that is your life
while I'm still here
     breathing,
alive,
but burned
by the embers of words
that sparked from your lips
they caused the cuts on my hips
and the scars on my flesh

I've lost a pint of blood since you left

I've talked about
metaphorical scars on my heart,
that will never go away.
But I haven't spoken
about the literal ones
that my hips will
    bare forever.

Little notes
of slightly discolored lines
on previously
perfectly toned skin.

They speak to me.

They talk,
    they say things,
they remind me of days
    and weeks and months
and events and times and people
and conversations I've had,
and feelings I've felt,
and moments where
I just thought I couldn't
do anything anymore.


               "scars" pt 2.
                       d.s

Deep in the depths of the night
I feel like maybe I can love again
love one who is not you
love one who treats me right.
"I can do this" I think
And I try, and I do.

So I don't say goodnight.

But my eyes get heavy
and words feel sincere
but apparently they aren't,
because daylight is near.

But I can't say goodnight.

When I wake up the next morning
I think about you, and us
and I realize that no matter hard I try
my heart will forever be
wrapped around your finger.

I don't want to say goodbye.

And I can't love anyone,
If I'm not loving you.

But I refuse to say goodbye.

                d.s

Oh but baby,
     my heart just sunk to my stomach
and darlin',
     I think I'm gonna **** myself.

Honey,
     I've got eleven pills
     in a box beside my bed
And sweetie,
     all I can say is that I hope you
     miss me when I'm dead.

Boo,
     I want you to know
     I love you, I really do,
but babe,
     you should also know that
     this is all because of you.

I have so
much pain
that I could
write out
about how
I lost him.
    But when it
comes down to it.
He may not
be mine anymore,
and that may not
have been my
decision,
but I wasn't
the one to
experience
loss.
I didn't lose him.
    He lost me.


            d.s

I don't have thoughts
I have words.
I have phrases
Ideas,
Sentences
And different combinations of 26 letters.
I have songs and
Poems
And words that were once said
My mind is just a pad of paper
But what I don't have are thoughts.

That boy,
I've dug through
the depths of his mind.
The valley's,
    and crevices,
of thoughts
    and interests,
emotions and feelings.

I've explored every
inch
of his physical
existence.

The curves of his
nose,
    his cheek bones.
His arms and his torso.
His stomach and all.
    I know that boy.
He may not be mine anymore,
    but ******* it,
that boy,
    that boy is still mine.

The only sound I hear
Is my heart beat in my ear
And the steady tick
Of an analog clock
Behind me.

I cannot tell
what is real,
from what has been faked.
I cannot tell the truth
    from a lie.
I cannot tell anything anymore,
and I am so lost.
But,
    how can you be lost
if you don't know
where you are going?

I feel so unsafe
in reality
because I do not know
    what reality even is.

Just please don't tell me I will never be able to kiss you again.
Never be able to hold you again
Never be able to have *** with you again
Never be able to have a more than a friend connection with you again.
I don't know how I will be able to manage.
I am just telling you this now, don't be surprised if one day I just randomly grab your face and kiss it.
I don't even care if you get mad.
Because I know it will all be worth it.
It will be worth the pain.
I want to make you realize that you mean everything to me.
You have affected me in so many ways.
You are literally,
literally,
a part of me now.
I do so many things now that I didn't before I met you.
You liked them, so I thought I could try to like them too.
I did things for you that you don't even know that I did.
But I love you.
I love you.
You are a part of me now.
You are my better half.
My stronger half.
And you're not even my half.
You're not even mine.

There will still be
lingering scars
on my heart
from when he cut
those words into it.

They never quite go away.
All those words,
and letters,
that live on the paper,
also live in reality,
in my head,
my heart.
The only way to destroy them
is if I destroy myself.

But I am destroying myself.

          
            "scars" pt 1.
                    d.s

Maybe one day I will show my wrists to you, and you will find out that my soul is not as beautiful as you thought it was. you will discover that the flowers you attempted to plant in my mind have withered, because the soil ran out of nutrients long before you became a gardener.

because I cannot move mountains and I am not able to swim oceans because I’m already drowning.

maybe one day I will show you my hips, and you will realize all of the kisses that I have pressed against your lips weren't just a sign of lust or affection towards the way your mouth can form words, but a sign of protection

I thought you could protect me

protect me from the monsters that live inside my mind the demons that haunt me from time to time and that time is every day and every night for the past four years of my life. and however many more days that remain on my mental calendar.

I've tried to write poetry that hits you from the inside out with rhymes that flow into your ears like a melody you've been needing to hear to get your life together. but rhyming is a cliché way of thinking and poetry can breathe just fine without it.

but all we are as humans is just masks.

masks with emotion, why aren't we all the same we all have a brain with the same sections and we all have a heart that beats at a relatively steady pace between us and we have lungs that are littered with smoke that you inhale from either cigarettes or cars, and it makes me wonder why no one ever walks anywhere anymore.

what if the ringing in your ear isn't just annoying, but a message in a pitch that you just can’t quite grasp just yet.

and maybe you can’t fall asleep at night because someone is too busy hoping that you won’t die in your sleep and they unknowingly have the power to keep your eyes staring at the ceiling because you yourself aren't quite sure if you’ll wake up either.

and perhaps writers block is a blessing in disguise because the moon knows that the best things come to those who wait. and those who work their ***** off to achieve their dreams.