... & my heart cringes at the thought of you
I can feel it aching as it attempts to retrieve stories from the past. The times when you were the one I constantly and with no exception turned to.
I can feel it sore and stinging as I compose another word, when I'm just endeavoring to comprehend the present, and make it through.

... & I feel a  lump down my throat when the vision of you with someone else strikes my consciousness.
A mind that is trying to survive a comprehension of loneliness.
The perception of losing you - Leaving me tracking thoughts and connecting dots in a confusion while being absent in an abyss
Thoughts creeping up, preventing me from taking a deep breath. I struggle to hold the tears longing to escape my eyelids, yet with no success.

... & I can sense a hand being wrapped around my heart when your stares reunite with mine and our eyes lock; ceasing time.
The world surrounding us perishes and dies out; leaving what's between us there to linger; sending a strong breeze my way, recalling me of your well implemented crime.
... & with each word uttered by you, the grip gets tighter and the sinking sensation knocks me down preceding an exhausting climb
Yet my feet fail to hold me up, and my education goes in vain as my lips fall short on mouthing words, turning me into a helpless mime

... & I'm drowning in seas of misery after years of thirsting for the ocean
Trapped below water level, feeling nausea caused by the universe's plan and it's unexpected motion
... & I can recognize the marks on my wrists after being tied to you with faultless devotion.

& I've grasped the concept that this existence will nevermore be the same...

If you thought I'm just a girl,
Some pretty face that you can admire and a body for you to gaze at,
Taking in every detail on my face, and every curve in my frame.
You can look at me,
You can spend eternity with eyes fixed on me,
But you do not know the girl I really am.
But I, I have witnessed a lifetime of people like you.
Chasing looks and appearances.
And I might appeal to you,
But I, I would not give you the time of day.
I wasn't always pretty, but your soul has always been a sore to the eyes.

If you thought I'm just a girl,
Just another gal for you to touch, or hold between your arms.
Thinking its easy to lay your hands on my skin, or savor my lips.
Just another body that'll satisfy cravings.
You can look at me,
You can spend eternity with eyes fixed on me,
But you do not know the girl I really am.
But I, I have witnessed a lifetime of people like you.
Hunting down fragile souls and taking advantage of their weaknesses.
You can thirst all you want, but you'll never find satisfaction in a girl like me.
And I might appeal to you,
But I, I would not give you the time of day
I might be an attraction, but your soul has always driven away all what's innocent & pure.

If you thought I'm just a girl,
Take a second look.
I'm a young woman, and I see right through you.
Because if you really knew me, you'd be able earn me.

Oh, I've loved...
To the boy who gave me the world, and had me heads over heels.
To the friendship that was set on fire. Burning flames; igniting my heart & soul.
To the butterflies in my stomach, the hands sweating, and the heart beats racing.
To the smile that was from ear to ear during moments between us two.
To the warmth by clothing that belonged to him.
To the fantasies about having him eternally; like a tattoo.

Oh, yes, I've loved... & had my heart broken.
To the boy who knocked me off my feet after I was on top of clouds.
To the boy who had me falling all the way to the ground, after falling for him.
To the puffy eyes that spent sleepless nights sobbing over that boy.
To the memories I still hold so dear; buried deep between two lungs.
To the wounds that wouldn't mend.
To a soul that's aching, and a heart that's breaking.

To the boy who grew up to be a guy.
But, I'm still just a girl in love with that boy.
Oh, I've loved... & I've lost

"When one door closes, another one opens"

Yet my mind can't seem to comprehend the reason why we dwell and mourn over what's over.
The reason why we hang around 'Closed' signs that won't change.
Not knowing that some doors obstruct flames.
But it seems that we find pleasure in the burns we get when standing in the fire range.

Yet  my mind can't seem to comprehend the reason why we sob and grieve
over locks and thrown away keys.
The reason why tears blind us from seeing the sun that's creeping from the door that has opened,
why we seem to forget about new beginnings; like having the Alzheimer disease.

Let go of the ****, and quit attempting to open what's meant to stay closed...

To the girls I grew up with.
Those girls with diverse stories, plots, and twists,
but shared the same book cover,
& shared the same synopsis;
& soon enough sentences on pages will be adjusted,
& words will alter,
& they'll share the same story.
Those girls who lost the essence of standing against the crowd -
Who are not going anywhere further than the crowd.
... But one only reads a book once.

To the girls I grew up with.
Those girls who changed themselves to fit in a society that belongs to yesteryear.
Those girls who are as similar as two peas in a pod.
... But one only eats peas as a kid and his mom had something to do with it.

To the girls I grew up with.
Who looked like copies of one another and dressed the same.
They do say life is a school, but do not uniform your personalities.
Do not uniform who you are.
Those girls who acted the same...
And when were dreams ever the same??
When could two people ever look at clouds and have similar views?
When could two people ever go to sleep and visit one land of dreams?
Oh, but those girls could...

To the girls I grew up with.
I keep exploring this black and white painting of yours.
Hoping I'd spot a drop of blue paint somewhere - somehow.
I keep searching for rainbows in a world like yours.
& all I end up with are puddles of water
created by tears you have once cried.
Yet, you do not admit your eyes have ever witnessed water.
You do not admit your cheeks have ever felt running rain.
& all I end up with are puddles of water.
Puddles of water that reflect my face beseeching for hope.
And the harder I look,
the more I end up with just puddles of water.

To the girls I grew up with.
Those girls who got married at a young age.
Who dropped out of school, cut corners, and took the easy road out.
Who turned down opportunities that were beyond their world.
To the girls who got married at a young age, to boys who were not raised to appreciate a girl.
Boys who locked them behind doors,
who hid them away from the rest of the world,
who ****** the life that was left out of them,
& who blew the candle ignited in them;
that flame that showed them the way...
To the girls who put up with those boys
& I never knew why they wouldn't just leave.
But more importantly, I wouldn't understand why they'd be there in the first place.

To the girls I grew up with.
I request answers to questions that haunt me.
Answers to questions that never leave me as I look at you.
As I look at the fragile girls you turned out to be.
What happened to your voices??
For you do not speak up; haven't you been hushed long enough??
What happened to your feet??
For you do not run freely on this earth; do you even remember what the wind feels like??

To the girls I grew up with.
Those whom I can't hold a conversation with.
We do not meet on common grounds.
I do not know how to converse in this language you speak with.
I do not spot the view from your corner of the earth.
& I can't wrap my head around your world...
Those girls who do not hear my words.
My words bounce off that bubble they've been emerged into.
And their words haunt my thoughts as I think of that prison they have sentenced themselves into.
Those walls they've built with their own bare hands,
Thinking they're locking the world out, but they only trap themselves in.

To the girls I grew up with,
I was never truly around; just a stop on the way to the true world.
But I can't help but wonder about
those girls I grew up with.

Life is never a walk in the park. It has the competency to elevate you to the supreme cliffs and then nose-dives you all the way to the deepest trenches.
You could either battle with a sword and shield, and stand up straight like the warrior you were born to be, or spend your entire life viewing it from fringes on benches.

You, are not here to have your hands tied behind your back, raise your white flag, and surrender.
No, YOU, are not here to yield to complications that are exaggerated by the deafening sound of the drums of war... You are a defender.

Arm yourself with courage and strength... Life WILL get you on your knees. Life WILL pull the trigger and strike a bullet through you, aiming for your heart.
You just have to retain the determination to stand back up after you've been hurt over and over again and torn apart.

Savor life my dear warrior and endure the anguish. You were born to be a fighter.
Get your arm up! Stand up!
Stand up, for the little moments that make it worth putting up with the pain.
And what's sunshine with a little bit of rain?!
Stand up, for the little moments that will draw a smile on your pretty face
And where's the fun in a game without some challenges taking place?!
Stand up for a life worth living... Stand up for YOU.
Facing gun point is the only way to remind yourself of how much you favor the toothsome side of life.

Stand up straight like the warrior YOU ARE.