lost in the madness of new thoughts, alone.
tired of having no heart and no home
these humble hands have been worked to the bone
I'm silently fighting to keep them from stone.
fighting for air, determined to stay afloat,
the waves are pulling at me, it's hard enough not to choke.

free as a bird with its wings freshly clipped
can't shake the chains of realities grip
even these clothes feel much too tightly knit
and the weight that I carry bears me down with it.
and yet something calls to me, still something I missed
something that beckons my heart through all this.

perhaps there's a light at the depths of this sea
or countless great treasures for me, possibly
or maybe there's something that I can't perceive,
but its hard to have heart when you've seen what I've seen.

though still, if it's sinking, it's down with the ship
no hope to escape the vessel I'm in
always and forever, through thinnest of thin,
she's learning to live with my terrible skin.

my words are so cold that i choke
on the lies i spit from my throat
a hunger pouring from my mouth;
slowly dripping out the corners as i soak my soul in doubt.

if theres a place i haven’t been yet,
take me there; take me now
take the heart inside chest
rip the seams and make a mess
and go pin it to your sweater,
or on your hat just like a feather.
i know it’s floated on my sleeve
but girl i want you to believe
that there are diamonds in your hair
because you know you’ve got a flair
thats unmistaken to my eye,
cause you and i know how to fly.

an hourglass as i see your hips ******
there’s glass between us, underneath us
though no reflection will deceive us.
and though deception come between us,
still our universe perceives us,
just as irony defeats us;
so ill hold your hand and pretend
that through you i can make my amends.

my words were so cold that i choked
on the lies i spat from my throat
hunger poured from my mouth;
slowly dripping out the corners as i’d soaked my words in doubt.

there's grace in all humanity, but
like a dog you've lost everyones faith,
by the pain of self pity came outward disgrace,
while you become time's eternal slave.

for now heads above water,
but there's lead in your shoes,
as youre always observing the lines.
drawn out step by step
in the sand where once slept
a great ego, kept fed by your pride.

now you're patiently waiting for them to be crossed,
like a snake youve coiled yourself to spring
but your bite will not spite anyone but yourself,
as the poison's already in your veins.

i’ve painted gentle pictures on the insides of my mind;
with a water-colored brush, no sense of where to end the lines,
without periphery to guide me, no direction to define
and even less, a sense of definition to entice my eyes.

but as the paint would splatter, there was always more to go,
and once her lovely darling eyes would ask me,
i would find new things to show,
as if they were becoming
an alignment with my own,
she was the only thing that told me
i could find my own lost soul.

and that’s perhaps the reason why
she could not stay to see
if she could be the one
to really help myself find me.

but i’ll always be
...searching,
for more
of it

come and find me,
wayfaring soul
chase the heat of my smoldering coal.
the embers of an eternal fire
spread wild as dogs, mad with desire
and i will walk upon a sea
the tides forever carry me
as flames gently lick at my feet;
i will not bleed, my heart will never cease.

the dream from which all life is taught
the realm from which all love is sought
i walk that line, the rope is taut.

there are beings in the wind
they whisper to me to pretend that i am one of them
a fluent river in my head,
a flowing coordinated thoroughfare of dead
these spirits cary me away
carry me to the grave
to awaken them.

and so they sing with me,
they breathe with me,
they live with me.
inside of me there is a seed;
the roots of every tree
intertwining with my dreams.
shaping reality
i am the awakening.

they live in my breath
they allow me to see
the realm of passing death
softly brushing the reeds.
finally free
eternally

with this self-haunting breath
I've painted walls with all my words
ive filled your ears with all my fears,
excuses you've already heard.
Ive strewn my pain across what's left
of what I destroyed all my own 
for sake of coloring the walls 
i see as monochrome and cold.

I couldn't hold it all inside
boxed in with every little lie
and now I'm slowly pushing out
all that I once said i despise.
look at me, look in my eyes
convince me I am still alive
I've made this hell out of the things
that ive held from you my whole life.

oh woe be to my heart,
that it begs for the sustenance of love
but is satisfied only by my own mind.

and woe be to my mind,
which thinks only to love itself
and to satisfy its own body.

and woe be to this body,
as it consumes and destroys
the very things that keep it alive.

woe be to these dreams
to intertwine with the vacuum of nothingness that is everything.

to be nothing, oh to be nothing.
woe be to me.
oh, woe be to us all.

is an unparalleled

gravity


pulling you



away




from





right






now

the soldier knelt to fix his cap,
dug deep into trenches, he stopped.
amidst the shots, he reached for the map
if not in his pocket, it’s lost.
“it seems like we’ve been here for years”
the man beside him squawked.
“an hour seems like many days,
because we’ve gotten so lost.”
unsure of quite how to respond,
the soldier raised his brow
but as he was about to speak,
the man who’d spoken went down.

the soldier raised his head to see the great alsace-lorraine.
the war had raged for far too long, and so he contrived an escape.
he planned to sneak across the flank,
advance the trench on his own
but as he stood to make his break, his heart
sank quite gut-wrenchingly low.
he thought to himself in a humble tone,
“i can’t do this alone.”
although his intentions were clearly courageous,
his weakness truly had shown.

as lady luck would have her way,
the days kept withering by
as the soldier so fervent to capture this land
tried not to keep track of the time.
they advanced to the east, but to their dismay
the french would push them right back
and until a day they’d find a way,
the men had no way to attack.
a fateful storm rolled in one day,
a blanket of snow o’er the field
and the mood of both great war machines,
had slowly came to a yield.
the soldier, so tired of the weight of the war
climbed out, with a fire in his eye.
he raised his rifle high in the air
and cried “Deutschland über alles”

the soldier then fell onto his knees,
and raised his hands to the the sky
not seconds passed before the scream
as snow and french bullets did fly.
the soldier was struck right through his lung
and grasped his chest to breathe
but all could see his head was hung
as the soldier collapsed from his knees.
there was no escape, he said to himself
as the snow slowly blurred into light
and he passed away on the holy ground
and they never did win that fight.

do animals
have less fear
because they live
without
words

she is precisely
the poem
that I aspire
to write.

the way you love me is softer than the pillow beneath me,
as I lay and dream of a place we can
sink into acmatic scenes
of harmony.
yet still, there is intensity
that permeates internally.

I once believed I was incapable
to hold such love inside.
but this feeling so benign
has left that empty shell behind.

every day our fates are moved
by all the doctrines  we've made true.
and slowly ill invite the warmth,
hot as the sun, ill melt with you.

you have wandered into my heart
without wiping your feet,
and have planted your garden
with some peregrine seed,
uprooting suspicion to feed the roots you know i need.
not the slightest premonition
hinting at this fires ignition,
with harmonies conspicuous,
it brought me to a full fruition.

you make me become me,
scraping tar from ancient condition
a reassessment of the needs,
a very natural division.
and though many of my deeds,
however morbid they may be
fade from your conscious recognition;
oh my true soul, you've made free.

so you may walk upon my heart.
tread heavily, with boots of lead,
for you have become the reason
for it to even bother to beat.

I'll play your ribs like a piano
hold you closer than the fibers of my own shirt, I see now how
over your chest it's draped
just like a cloth holding back the violent flames that spring out from beneath,
I can feel it in my feet,
the burning coals upon my toes
as I walk the streets of your heart,
paved with all the lovely stones you've tossed around and stepped upon.
not to mention
the brokenness you've tread from filling everyone's shoes,
even mine as I traverse you in your sleep, thinking of you as I
continue to hold back my view
of my own past,
hung from my back,
I've got a lot to learn
but I know it's always just for you.
it's always just for you.

you've made a home inside this hollow heart of mine,
down to my bones you've made a nest to come and live.
and I can't thank you enough for making me whole again.

i’ve waited my whole life for things to get better.
but they never did.

no love i could have ever kept,
no friends whose sides i’ve never left,
no voice pale enough to calm unrest,
no hand to grip my chest and show me how to live.
no smile to greet me openly.
no weight to give me gravity.
no pleasant reassurance,
only ruthless self endurance.

so i’m done waiting, i’ll do this myself.
pride may cause the fall, but i don’t need any of your help.
i’ll watch the stars, and hold their hand,
keep my head towards the sun and trust nothing else.
& i’ll slowly let go of my demands
and let my thoughts accept themselves,
because there is nothing more fulfilling.

you know that simply breathing isn’t living,
that the days can’t be contained by time.
existence is more than a heartbeat,
and whatever you’re looking for, you’ll never find.
so don’t cry to me with broken hearts, you don’t need it anyway.
i cant hear you down below me
so come up here and bury the sky.
i’m not afraid to leave my body to the worms,
but death will come to me on my own terms.

sometimes i stare at the stars and ask myself
if anyone is even listening.