"Yeah, THAT, keep it there."
"Do you wash your hair with ****?"

-Henry Mullins.

You look like a ******* rockstar.
Orange hair all over the place.
Holding your face like a glass of wine.
Your lips, pierced in their perfection, snakebites.
I'll go crazy.
Your smile, sharp and perfect.
White teeth.
The way you walk with your fingers curled around a cigarette
Seeign those lips blow smoke
So sure of yourself
In your huge dark sunglasses

I keep writing about people who don't know me.
Boys who would never talk to me, not even for the world.
Maybe its' some subconscious coping or something psychological
that I can't control.
Maybe I can and I'm just a creep.

Daisy (12:57 AM):  Please please please...
Daisy (1:02 AM):  I was laying down earlier, and without asking me any sort of permission, the image of Nathan with some other girl in his arms, in his room, laughing smiling, the whole idea came vividly to mind, and it crushed. It felt like someone stood on my chest and stomped. My computer was making aim noises and I didn't want to talk to anyone, I got up anyway. Now it's later, and I've shoved the thought from my mind. Now I'm alone, everyone's gone to sleep, my hair is clean, I'm alone. Damien Rice's voice pours out my speaker and my eyes overflow. I guess once I finally thought I was really really over him, it had to come back and hit me in the face. I'm so sick of sounding so stupid. It doesn't even make sense,
Daisy (1:03 AM):  I shouldn't be tied to him after everything. My soul is crushed.
Daisy (1:06 AM):  Sobs reach up my throat and sneak out of my mouth, filling the air, thick with sorrow, like fog. Like cigarette smoke, like smog, from thousands of cars. Why is it that i have to suffer like this for one who left me so abruptly. "I still think about you every day that passes." He said to me, and i probably believed it. He doesn't know, and thinks everything I say is some stupid dream, he answers me skeptically and full of scorn. I could scream, with my back arched in pain. Let all I ever had to say come out of me in one fluid motion.
Daisy (1:11 AM):  These are answers I'll never get. Learn to live like your very own bone marrow has been stripped from you. Week and empty.

I hate it when all I want to do is die;
And all I get is sleep.
And not even that lasts.
I think about all the people who have ever
looked at me like
a disease
or called me stupid,
And get caught up in hopeless anger.
Constantly preoccupied with the missing loss
of that boy I love.
Finally questioning my own two consoling words
"It's ok."

You're lifting me up to the stars.
we're sitting cross-lagged on the moon.
Drinking coffee in the clouds.
Your eyes are as deep as ever;
I'm tripping over your laughter;
Ringing inside me;
Falling into your eyes.

I'm trailing off mid-sentence,
"cause you're smiling and I can't get past it.
Never thought I'd stop being broken;
Like a bone taken under a train.

Something about the way you talk.
                       The way you don't talk.
Makes me stop.
Just to mess up your hair.
And stop the world for a second.
Skip over the reality.

Just for a minute.

I don't really know what is, what never was, and what isn't.
Today you told my best friend she's beautiful and always have been.
Why did you always love everyone else more?
Was it because I gave you what you wanted?
I truly loved you?
Now you talk like it never was real.
Like a whole amazing year was just in my head.
All my fault.
So what now?
I wish you'd tell me what was real.
I wish I knew if you ever loved me,
If you ever thought I was beautiful.
Or if you're just that good at lying through your teeth.

To the boy who works at the corner store;
With  your lush deep, dark skin.
You made my day; flirting with me.
It's silly; I know.
I was having a ****** day.

The jeans I never threw out.
Even though you told me to.
They meant too much.

No matter how much I say I hate you.
I hate you.
I hate you.
I hate you.
I'll never hate you, and it hurts to know
you don't need me, don't even want me.
You don't love me.

My insides are like broken glass.
I'm shoving the whole world away,
for fear there's no such thing as happiness.
Sporting the most fake smile I can bear to.

I'm afraid to take a chance.
You made my earth quake.

I don't know if I could do this again.
I don't know if I could live through someone using me so calmly.
So sweetly destroying me.

Every time I see your face; I cry.
So pathetically I fall.
I can't even write your name.
It's like you just...

You were a perfect dream,
Corrupted in the middle, blossoming,
Into the most painful nightmare.

It's hard to work through all this doubt.
All this pain.
It's hard not to run to you.
It's hard but but not impossible.

I know you don't care...
About me.

About your stupid ex-girlfriend.
Hahaha;
She was so stupid.
She was so easy.

I'll stay away;
I can't look at you.
Anymore.

I didn't learn anything from you.
Just to be afraid and not to trust.

I want so badly to tell my Bunnie how dreadfully afraid I am;
but I don't think I want him seeing that part of me.

I haven't written anything
In at least a month
I've dreampt about kissing
atleast three boys

Tomorrow; I'm seeing the angel of choas.
I will be brought back down.

It's amazing how long I spend staring out this window.
looking past the water; past Everett.
Thinking about driving through and past the mountains;
And taking him with me.
Thinking about everything I told him last night, yesterday.
Thinking about sleeping inside the jacket that is neither his nor mine.
I washed it, but it probably reeks of; flowers, cherries, peppermint
and dreams.
I wish I could sit on this windowsill and stare for hours.

**Written about the extremely large windows of the A-building
at the ever classy ghetto-fabulous Everett High School. Third floor.

This time of night again.
Not really late; not really early.
there's no one around me, just music from soulless speaker.
I wish someone was here to hold my hand; let me cry.
I feel scattered and alone tonight.
I look in the mirror, see myself reflected. Eyelashes wet.
From tears no one heard, from sobs no one heard.
I wonder why I'm going downhill again.
All the words you said; stuck here in my head.
This feeling makes me wish i was dead.
I'll write for for you and if no one likes it;
I'll write for myself.

Anger inside me strong enough to make me scream
and tear apart my world. The screams welling up inside me
are barely under wraps. What was my mistake?
Why is this torturing me so?
It's not that I wouldn't.
It's not that I don't want to.
It's that I CAN'T.

Too close to sixteenth and my thought wandered.
Through my mind and down my cheeks in the form of salt water.
So I wrap my lips around, and **** the smoke into my lungs.
Breathe it out and watch it rise, beautiful and smooth.
Caught up in your trip wires, catching my ankles, I fall at your feet.
As I'm dazed and dizzy, you brand my broken heart with the harsh
letters of your name, deep like broken promises, hot like passionate
hate.

No one sees me backing away.
No one sees me chipping away at myself.
No one notices the girl smoking in the trees.
My pathetic begging for you; for someone to cling to.
begging for help.
No one notices how bad it is.
How bad it's getting...
Disconnected.
I'm unknowingly destroying myself.
Because no one sees through me.
An amazing actress.
What do you see when you look into my eyes?
Fighting for my life.

You're all
cutting large holes is everything I do.
Talking to you; is like...
being thrown in a room with everything that scares you
being tossed into water with your limbs tied
I can't believe what happened.
I'm trying so hard to let you go;
to let the scars fade.
It's not even scarred over yet,
these open wounds still bleed while I sleep.
You seem utterly the same;
I realized something today.
The little boy I fell in love with;
full of emotions and thoughts,
laughter and a heartbeat...
He's gone.

So now,
I'll slice holes in my chest.
Cry to myself.
Say goodbye to my hopeless dream.

The truth is I miss you.
The truth is I love you.
The truth is I never meant to hurt you.
The truth is you aren't mine.
The truth is I hate you.
The truth is I need you. The truth is you never had me.
The truth is you never lost me.
The truth is we lied.
The truth is you are pain.
The truth is;
I can't handle the truth.

Curl up
Breath
Fight the sobs
Thank God
Sleep

This nightly ritual that destroys and keeps.

Today we laughed at coughing people.
Today we shined lasers at people and confused small children.
Today we drew cartoons.
Today we got stalked by your Brother and his best friend.
Today we walked home.
Today you hugged me and you didn't let go.

Today was a good day.

-Oh shut up.
-You shut up.
Examples of a loving conversation.

Listening to creed reminds me of; Winter.
Nathan. Yellow coats. Snow ball fights. And, Love.

3 Doors Down. Here without you.
Summer. Dandelions. Blue sky. Saying yes. Being so. So happy.

let go.
We don't need no water let the mother-****** burn.
Burn mother-******, burn.

What do you think while I'm alone and missing your words?
Can you feel these questions come to my mind?
Do you hear me wondering if you've left me behind,
like so much else? Do the sounds of my relentless crying at night
register in your mind? How badly I need you...
The real you; the one who cares.
Do you know?
Or will I simply continue to wonder alone and unanswered?

I'm so tired of pain.
I'm numb.
Nothing hurts.
It's like living inside a glass box.
See.
Hear.
Don't respond.

My purple tinted room is unsettling tonight;
The way everything has multiple shadows.
The way the only thing I hear is my heartbeat and a tattoo machine.
My urge to get a tattoo.
My longing to keep a promise to the boy I have barely spoken to in days.
I still think about him with undying passion.
The dull pain; lain thick and deep over and through my pelvis.
The heat;
Please make it go away.

Uhm, yea. 'Cause I rock your socks off like that.
Freakin' let the monkey out of the bottle.
Stupid lil' onion red pepper nacho' makin' sock eater.

Yeah man.
Tell him it;s from yours truly and
I'll eat your heart out.

You took my heart;
Tricked me into believing the body of lies that you are,
And ripped it into pieces, slowly, tearing me apart
Until I was just short of nothing.
You watched me finally fall to my knees and
beg and cry and scream. Stop this pain!
You stood there and smiled; said "I love you."
And what was left of me died. You killed me.
I realized, I could hurt you just as bad. Worse.
I waited for you to fall for the fake me.
It worked.
And
I
Tore
You
Apart.
You attempt guilt trips.
You tried so hard ti make this hurt me.
You tried to break me right back.

You can't break what you've already destroyed.
What isn't there.